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What Would They Be?
Usain Bolt — SAPS officer (Foot Patrol)
One hundred metres in 9.69 seconds. How many of South Africa's finest, bellies swinging in unison over police-issue belts, can claim to do even ten metres in that time? This country's extensive array of criminals simply wouldn't stand a chance with Constable Bolt on the beat...
David Beckham — Hollywood hairstylist
From Mohicans to Mullets, Becks has had as many hairstyles as Victoria has pairs of shoes. And that's plenty. With container-loads of styling products no doubt stashed away in his Beverly Hills back garden, David has the know-how to get the best out of the tresses of America's rich and famous.
Serena Williams — Construction worker
The younger of the Williams sisters has biceps that make Rafael Nadal's wings look positively skinny. She looks like she could bench press Jelena Jankovic, squat Roger Federer and still have the energy to crush Maria Sharapova in straight sets. Heavy lifting on the construction scene? She's your man... er, woman.
Kevin Pietersen — Talk show host
Who loves the sound of his own voice more than the world's most famous former South African? 'On the couch with KP' could give Miss Winfrey's show a serious run for its money. With celebrity wife Jessica Taylor clapping hysterically in the front row, the England captain could give his take on topics like "Help! My son plays for England" and "Freddie: How I conquered my pedalo demons".
Lance Armstrong — Paris tour guide
That's right; it's not about the bike. It's about the tour bus. With a champagne glass in one hand and a scruffy map in the other, Lance could share his intimate knowledge of the French countryside with throngs of Chinese tourists.
Kimi Raikkonen — SA minibus taxi driver
The Kimster's experiences behind the wheel of an F1 car, changing gear at somewhere close to 18 000rpm, would appear dull in comparison should he spend some time piloting a vehicle from South Africa's most (in)famous fleet. With a splash of octane-booster in his HiAce, and 'Iceman' emblazoned across the rear window, one can just imagine Raikkonen hitting speeds in excess of 300km/h down the yellow line...
Jonny Wilkinson — Physiotherapist
Let's face it, England's fragile flyhalf spends more time on the physio's table than he does behind a kicking tee. He must have picked up some expert knowledge by now. And having seen the inside of countless rehabilitation centres, who better to coax someone's granddad back to health after yet another pesky broken hip?
Michael Phelps — Wine maker
What makes an ace grape-stomper? You guessed it... massive feet. And this American swimmer's size-14 flippers would result in an unheard of grapes-to-wine conversion rate, winning him certain gold in wine-making department. I'd drink to that.
Tiger Woods — President of the USA
Who needs Barack Obama? Woods has absolutely dominated a sport once exclusively played by old white guys. In the process, Eldrick (as Tiger's mum might know him) has almost single-handedly created an almighty surge of interest in golf. Just think what he could do for American politics. Tiger for the White House, I say.
Yao Ming — Shoprite shelf-packer
Currently the tallest player in the NBA, taking care of the bulk packs of toilet rolls on the top shelf in aisle seven would prove a cinch for Mr. Ming. China's most famous basketball player towers at 7 feet 6 inches, invaluable height in the retail industry. Who knows, he could even help out in the parking area, spotting a vacant bay from 100 metres.
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