Community | July 28, 2009 | 20 comments

The two kinds of single women

source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/07/27/tf.two.kinds.single.girls/index.html

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In January, I left a live-in relationship after three years. The experience was all the sad adjectives you can imagine. But after the sobbing spells and the heavy drinking, the fog lifted -- I was finally single again for the first time since after I graduated college. Naturally, I expected my single friends to react with equal doses of giddy glee. For the record, I'm not the kind of girl who ditches my ladies when I'm dating someone. But lots of time does free up when you become single.

As for my coupled-up chums, I expected sad stares. They probably thought I was doomed for spinsterhood after leaving my longest relationship at age 27.

"But don't you want to get married and have kids?" I imagined them asking. When I'd respond, "Not right now," they'd ignore me and say, "I know someone who'd be perfect for you!"

But that didn't happen. My taken gals were as supportive as my sturdiest Victoria's Secret bra.

"I don't worry about you," my best friend, who is getting hitched next summer, affirmed.

"You'll be fine, alone or with someone."

I wiped my brow -- my attached amigas didn't consider my newfound singleness a contagious disease! So obviously, I thought the single ones would feel the same. That's when I learned that there are two kinds of single girl. The first kind is independent, secure and just as content to sit at home with Netflix as she is to go out on a date. The other kind is always moaning about being alone and plotting which guy to go after just like an Army general preparing for battle. Unfortunately, some of my single friends fell into that second category.

At a bar one night, a guy gave me his digits. I wasn't that interested, but took them anyway. My friend said, "You better call him, because in a few years, no one will be giving you their numbers anymore."

Ouch. What did that mean?

Another single friend told me she'd feel "defeated" if she were me. Ouch again. Did I suck at life because I'd decided I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person?
A few weeks later, another pal, totally unprompted, said, "You should get on Match.com. Just to have more options."

"Umm, thanks, but I haven't been single that long," I replied, taking a mighty swig of beer.
"Well, it's just that the pool gets smaller as you get older," she said. What the hell?

Being in a vulnerable post-breakup state, for a while I let these comments sting. But almost six months later, I've learned to ignore them because they don't apply to me -- they apply to the people saying them. Misery does indeed love company.

Now I'm happy to say I'm spending my time with family and happy friends, traveling and just being me. You know what I'm not doing? Stressing about being alone. I'm not that kind of single girl.
Tips for singles:

1. Don't take things bitter friends say to heart. They're projecting -- putting their insecurities on you.

2. Don't chat with negative friends about your love life (or lack there of).

3. Don't feel forced to date because your friends are.

4. Do go out with supportive friends of all relationship statuses.

5. Do enjoy you. That's the only person you'll definitely be with forever.
  1. groups:
    Community,   Max and Jason: Still Up,   Sex and Love,   LoveLife,   3 more
  2. tags:
    News,  Women,  Relationships,  Psychology
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20 comments // The two kinds of single women

  • fierceandunbothered
    • 0
      fierceandunbothered  

    • you REALLLLLLYYYY need to get these haters out of your life. sounds to me like they're jealous of you (maybe you're a better catch, have more education, make more money, are just happier, etc.) or maybe they're just negative nancies because they're unhappy with their lives. whatever the case, you don't need people like that in your life.

    • 2 years ago
  • curtisreed
    • 0
      curtisreed  

    • "negative friends" Why do you have "negative friends"?

      Dump the dipshits. Negative energy is never good.

      except on current. it's fun to stir the pot

    • 2 years ago
  • fierceandunbothered
  • UrbanGypsy
    • 0
      UrbanGypsy  

    • I think many people turn into category one after they realize that relationships are not always all that rewarding. It is unconcious, I truly have no desire to be with someone... at least not at the moment.

      The problem is that people try to make things happen when in reality there is nothing going on between the two. It is only rarely that people find someone they really want to spend some time with (And even that can be temporary).

    • 2 years ago
  • manhattan_project
  • jaystyx
    • 0
      jaystyx  

    • This rule works for guys too. I am a 22 year old college student and I am in no rush to get into a serious relationship. I am enjoying the freedom to do whatever I want and I am getting a true sense of who I am as a person. Yet my friends all think I am crazy and pass on the same kind of backhanded advice intended to make me insecure about myself. When I am not around they all talk about their own theories as to why I am not dating.

      All I have to say is learn to love yourself before you start worrying about others loving you.

    • 2 years ago
  • imperativetherapy
    • 0
      imperativetherapy  

    • No.1 Women and Men: Independent, strong willed, slightly jaded toward the opposite sex, and doesn't hold sex in the highest regard in a relationship.
      No.2 Women and Men: Co-dependent enough said.

      I think most women and men go back and forth in their roles in relationships. No matter what anyone says, people are always some how affected by past relationships. Most relationships work out if the people are in the same roles in life.

      If you have two people that are co-dependent they will be totally into each other and will usually truly be in love with one another. I'm not saying that they will love each other as much as they are in love with the idea of being in love, but that is when "Being in love" seems to actually work.

      An independent person with a co-dependent person isn't going to work because no one wants to be smothered when they want to be left alone for any amount of time. No one wants to play 20 questions just to get some "me time". Some one is always going to get taken advantage of in that situation. We all know which one that will be.

      Two independents may work for a while. i think it depends on what the two parties want in life. If they're on the same path then they will work out. Unless they spend no time together at all. They might as well be friends with benefits..

      After years of going back and forth with different people and being jaded from one to the next, maybe someday we'll all fit into our designated roles together.

    • 2 years ago
  • curtisreed
  • sicksadworld
  • Sam_the_Wizer
  • onemalefla
  • ScorpioGee
    • 0
      ScorpioGee  
    • onemalefla:

      Um...I'm sorry dude.

      I hope you're life is far better-and awesomely fabulous--without here.

      Besides that kid she's dating 12 years your senior is either her sugar momma or is going to become one anyway. :D

    • 2 years ago
  • fernweher
  • curtisreed
  • artemis6
  • dariusvons
  • kitteneater
    • 0
      kitteneater  

    • I know too many amigas that are in relationships simply because they're used to being with a boy. Even if that boy treats them like shit.

      27? That's still young.

    • 2 years ago
  • Valence
  • abbym0308
    • 0
      abbym0308  

    • 2. Don't chat with negative friends about your love life (or lack there of).

      I think this is the most important one on the list. Everyone is going to have an opinion about your life, and are going to project their insecurities on you. It's up to you whether or not you take them on. My philosophy is to take the advice that makes me feel good and ignore everything else.

    • 2 years ago
  • Menchaca
    • 0
      Menchaca  

    • This is a very insightful observation, however I think the same could be applied to men as well. I feel the characteristics of the 2 types reigns true for guys I know. You can either be happy single or be lonesome, It's all in your head. Thanks for the Tips, I'm newly single and this was a great read.

    • 2 years ago
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