New Baby Shampoo to Toughen Up Newborns
source: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/johnson_johnson_introduces_nothing
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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.
A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."
"We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long," company CEO William C. Weldon said. "Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead."
"It's time our children got the wake-up call that's been coming to them," Weldon continued. "It's time they cried their precious little eyes out."
Thats what I am saying.. Let those damn babies suffer just a little. No more calming, soothing lavender scented shampoo!
A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."
"We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long," company CEO William C. Weldon said. "Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead."
"It's time our children got the wake-up call that's been coming to them," Weldon continued. "It's time they cried their precious little eyes out."
Thats what I am saying.. Let those damn babies suffer just a little. No more calming, soothing lavender scented shampoo!
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timuel
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I read this out of the paper the other day. Thank god for baby-pain humor.
- 4 years ago
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timuel
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massavantgarde
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Oh, Onion, I love your fake news!
- 4 years ago
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massavantgarde
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alisachka
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say what?
- 4 years ago
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alisachka
