The Truth About Glenn Beck

Millions of fans were stunned today to learn that popular TV and radio talk show host, Glenn Beck, is the first human to carry genes from another mammalian species. Beck, who has made a living seeding suspicion and blind hatred, tried for years to keep the information out of the public arena, but his personal physician, Dr. Ethan Albumen, has published a memoir detailing Beck’s unique origins.

Many may be too young to remember David Seville, who created the cartoon characters, “Alvin and the Chipmunks” in the 1960s. The main character, Alvin, was modeled upon Seville’s favorite pet, Chippy, a wild chipmunk that wandered into camp when Seville and his parents were tenting in Yosemite National Park in 1954. Seville adopted the little fellow, took him home, and they were fast friends for several years. When the chipmunk passed away, Seville convinced his parents to allow him to preserve the small pet in the family freezer.

Fast forward to 1970, when Seville was flush with royalties from the chipmunk craze. It was at that time that young Dr. Albumen, an early genetic researcher, met Seville, who was suffering from exhaustion, at a conference on biodiversity. They spoke about their mutual interest: chipmunks. Albumen had been conducting clandestine gene splicing experiments, so when Seville found this out, he convinced Albumen to clone his old friend, Chippy.

Albumen tried unsuccessfully to duplicate the diminutive rodent, and he was about to quit when, by chance, he encountered Glenn Beck’s parents at a conference on recycling. Beck’s mother, upon learning that Albumen was a geneticist, begged him for help with Glenn, who had been born without the capacity to grow teeth. The Becks had spent years tube-feeding young Glenn, and they had almost lost hope when Albumen consented to apply his brilliant theories to their case.

Utilizing a proprietary method which is still secret, Albumen administered several months’ worth of injections , a process which was very painful and which embittered young Glenn, despite his parents’ best intentions. As Glenn’s teeth began to grow and his cheeks began to widen, Albumen realized that the process was not entirely controllable.

The Becks grilled Albumen as to why their boy, who had once been passably handsome, was now taking on the facial characteristics of a chipmunk, and Albumen did his best to reassure them without letting them know that he had spliced Chippy’s genes into the very basic makeup of Glenn’s cellular foundations.

To make a long story short, Glenn Beck now carries on Chippy’s genetic legacy, Albumen stands to make millions from his tell-all book, and David Seville’s love for a small forest creature has backhandedly created one of the most controversial and hateful propagandists to slither across the forest floor. But that’s another genetic mystery, isn’t it?