House GOP to Find and Destroy Every Last Sesame Street Toy and Video

WASHINGTON, DC - In their latest assault on public television, Republican lawmakers have vowed not only to eliminate funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and PBS, but also to locate and destroy every last Sesame Street toy, book and video. Sesame Street, the educational Muppet series which has delighted children for decades is, perhaps, the most identifiable program that would be left without a home should PBS lose all its funding - which is precisely why it is the prime target for Republicans.

"What we don't want is to destroy a show that children are going to miss," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA). "That's why we're asking parents to take away all their kids' Sesame Street toys, so that they won't be reminded of what they've lost. I mean, we're not monsters."

The proposed legislation would require parents to pry their babies' Cookie Monster rattles from their itty bitty hands and snatch Elmo videos away from their toddlers' big, uncomprehending eyes, and surrender them to the office of House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). From there, all the Sesame Street memorabilia and other precious childhood memories would be incinerated in a massive bonfire on the National Mall in a Koch Industries-sponsored event called For the Children.

Speaker Boehner encouraged parents to act, whether or not the legislation passes. "Regardless of the outcome of the bill," said Boehner, "we are calling on all parents to surrender their kids' Sesame Street stuff. The public bonfire will happen. There's nothing Sesame Street or PBS offers that can't be accomplished without using taxpayer dollars. The fraction of a percent we'll save by taking away Sesame Street, Teletubbies, Arthur and other beloved icons of children's programming will help offset the massive cost of the Bush tax cuts that America's wealthiest so desperately need. Our children can't live in a fantasy world forever."

Boehner promised that the attack on Sesame Street is only the beginning. "We are crafting legislation at the moment that would at last strip the collective bargaining rights of workers at The Electric Company. If the babies and toddlers of America have a problem with that, fuck 'em."

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