Comedy | April 27, 2011 | 96 comments

Donald Trump: The President We Deserve

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VanFullOfCandy
We can name more Jersey Shore cast members than our state's Senators. We have commercials telling our kids to go outside and play. We are steaming into the twenty first century, powered by wheezing, poisonous 19th century technology. And the little pocket sized super computer that we bought six months ago, that tiny little thing that would have been considered nothing short of wizard class magic ten short years ago, we can't wait to throw that worthless piece of shit away the split second they let us buy the new version that's 3% slimmer and has TWO cameras in six months.

In a time when the goal is no longer to achieve anything laudable, or to contribute anything to the betterment of mankind for future generations, when to excel and be exceptional is seen as being kind of a dick move, when dignity and self respect are quaint and adorable notions of the past and the most sought after personal goal is to have one's own reality show, who better to represent this failed generation than Donald Trump?

We all know that he's probably not going to win. It seems like that would be a given. But just because he's probably not, and that he never should, and to even think about it makes the brain wet its little brain pants, doesn't mean that he couldn't. My Governor killed invisible aliens and was Danny DeVito's hilariously implausible twin for 90 minutes... So, don't talk to me about won't and shouldn't.

This is a man who builds giant, forty story, gold plated failure penises and wallpapers them with his name. This is a man who brags about supposedly fucking over a dictator in a land deal like he's waiting for you to high five him. This is a man who feuds with Rosie O'Donnell and has gotten backing from such great political titans as Bret Michaels and Gary Busey.

There was a time, I assume, when we as a people wanted to be represented in the highest halls of power by those that we believed were the best of us. When we wanted people smarter than us to be in charge of important things like, making sure the French didn't try to fondle our balls a second longer than we wanted them to, or to tell the Germans to cut it out already. The idea of choosing a leader because you think it might be cool to hang out with them and tell squirrel stompin' storries over a couple Old' Milwaukees, or because you think he might flip off the King of Arabistan, call Russia a fag and punch the United Nations in the taint, is all fucking insane.

If Donald Ulysses Trump were elected President of these God's United States, sure, it would be hilarious. I'm not about to question the entertainment value of it. The country would finally complete its transformation into one giant reality show, issuing a flip camera and a web domain to every citizen within its borders. Camera crews would follow the Trump at all times, he would have a confessional room built into the oval office, and we would no doubt all be murdered by the outrageously inappropriate actions of Secretary of State Omarosa.

But... what was I saying? I'm not sure really. The more I talk about it, the more I wonder why I was even thinking of fighting this at all. I'm sure Vice President Gene Simmons couldn't possibly be worse than Biden, and that's a man that knows how to brand a marginal franchise into, pathetic, yet unquestionable profitability. And personal pride is over rated anymore anyway.

Let's just face the facts that Abraham Lincoln isn't going to show up again. And besides, we wouldn't let him. Why would we want to? It's not about what's best for us anymore, it's about what's most ironically hilarious. This is what we get, this is what we deserve.

Trump Oh-Twelve!
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96 comments // Donald Trump: The President We Deserve

  • hoosierdaddy
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • notsure
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • extracrazykiwi2008
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • alexandrek
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • alexandrek:

      We certainly know that President Trump would never visit a Tornado or Hurricane ravaged city, at least not without a helmet, over which he would certainly comb his fluffy neck hair majestically. And we will all salute his bravery and courage, living life, representing us all, as a productive, fully capable, follically challenged American. What a proud day it will be to salute that man's hair.

    • 1 year ago
  • alexandrek
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Richard_Wyatt
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • riverratt50
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • riverratt50:

      He was running against a guy who 15 years ago looked like the only respectable politician in the world, then somehow, his soul was sucked out of his body and he became the perpetual pander machine that he is now. It's sad just how much McCain has truned in so short a time.

      But this isn't about the loss of a once great man, this is about the threat of a never great man. Oh Trump, the joys you will bring all of us humorists for the next year and a half. You are mana, your lunacy nourishes me!

    • 1 year ago
  • JStation
    • +1
      JStation  

    • Thanks for this post. The vast majority of Trump's wealth is not from his hard work but from investments. People pay him like they paid Madoff with the illusion that he will make them all their money back and then some. The richest in this country have inflated their wealth through abuse of the stock market; they've eyed the possibilities of acquiring short-term wealth quickly in lieu of providing an economically viable product that generates long-term growth. If you pulled the public holdings of Trump's corporations out from under him, his wealth would shrink to a few million.

      If this man ever made it into office, we would be signing away our future to corporate interests. Trump is a business man, and the only reason he would be interested in running is if he saw the same opportunity that the Koch brothers see: The redistribution of wealth from poor to rich. He can't be rich enough, but with power he can ensure that he pays nothing into the system that he benefits from. The bailout—like every other tax break offered to large business, every grant and subsidy made available to companies more than capable of paying the costs themselves—established the idea to corporations that they are incapable of failing, and have a right to exist regardless of whether their actions pose a benefit or grave risk the stability of our nation as a whole.

      Trumps election to office would set us back over a hundred years in economic and technological growth. His election would drastically reduce economic access to the vast majority of Americans, and eventually cause the complete collapse of our existing infrastructure when the majority would have to create a new economy which would allow them to thrive.

      The fact he even considered running for President is proof enough to me that the wealthy feel entitled to power; that they feel entitled to lead the sheep, expecting us to trust that the saw blades ahead are not intended to butcher us.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • JStation:

      Really, what Trump's teasing of running for President means to me is that he's not all that powerful. After all, the folks that are really running the country know that there's no point in being a figure head when they can just pull the strings and pile up the cash without all the unnecessary attention of "having to deal with the needs or wants of the lessers". I mean, who needs that headache when you could just be swimming around in your money bin, McDuck stahl!

      These people chase after more money than they'll ever be able to spend, all of their life and contribute nothing to the greater whole of mankind. I know it's a ridiculous hippy pipe dream, but just imagine what we as a species could do if instead of focusing solely on our on personal gain at the expense of the entire human race, we instead actually put any amount of effort at all into bettering the human existence for everyone. You know what? Scratch that. The people that don't want to, don't even have to contribute. All they have to do is not obstruct at every turn and those that are trying to do good could do so much without any help from them...

      Oh, but who 'm I foolin'? That's as likely to happen as me not having to sit through another reality show about how dangerous the next guy's unnecessary job is. Yay humanity!

    • 1 year ago
  • okrugrat
    • 0
      okrugrat  

    • Trump is just a flaccid dick head with a "comb over" that needs a little attention. All of America is foolish to even entertain the thought of Trump as president.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • okrugrat:

      Of course America is foolish, we were founded on foolishness. That's how we roll. 110% bat shit crazy, 24/7, 366 in leap years and a few more numbers thrown in just for looks: 8710/2219548 * (4321-390)! U-S-A! U-S-A!

      But yeah, Americans are kinda ridiculous when we're a year and a half away from the election, but soon enough we'll all look at each other and share a knowing shake of the head and a roll of the eyes. We're crazy, but we're not THAT crazy... Hopefully...

    • 1 year ago
  • kgMA
    • 0
      kgMA  
    • okrugrat:

      True! But Americans are foolish, dumb, and stupid! My guess is, Trump would introduce Cage Fighting or World Wrestling matches at press meetings and sell tickets to get in! Fox news would probably buy up all the tickets

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • kgMA:

      You act like you wouldn't tune in if the under card to the State of the Union was Brock Lesnar vs. Kimbo Slice. The State of the Union on Pay Per View? Shit yeah I'd buy it!

      "Ladies and Gentlemen, the State of the Union is READY TO RUMBLE!"

    • 1 year ago
  • Warren_Merrill
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Saladin
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Saladin
  • Warren_Merrill
    • 0
      Warren_Merrill  
    • Saladin:

      Trump is an egomanical publicity seeker. Eventually any supporters will realize he's acting as a populist. He's using some key talking points. But he doesn't have a right wing core or a plan. He donated to Blogovich's defense. He contributed to the political campaigns of Schummer. Weiner and Emmanual. He's an opportunitist who knows how to buy what he wants.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • Warren_Merrill:

      I don't believe there's any HONEST supporters of Trump out there. I think it's all the morbid curiosity rubber necking, watching this lunatic make a mockery of himself and the entire system we so wrongly cherish and worship.

    • 1 year ago
  • GENERALNATTY
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • GENERALNATTY:

      There's no where you can go that Trump can't buy! Or say that he bought while not actually having the capital to back it up but still crowing very loudly that if he wanted to he could buy it but it doesn't want to and never did so there- you're fired.

    • 1 year ago
  • extracrazykiwi2008
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • GoodGodGuy
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • HSouixZ
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Leen61
    • +3
      Leen61  

    • I understand what you are saying here, VanFullOfCandy. This is what too many of the American people would think is OK to be president. Think W. Trump makes me think of the movie "Idiocracy" where the people have elected a former pro-wrestler. (No offense to Jesse Ventura) But it's all about name recognition, no matter how they have achieved it. No substance needed.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • +2
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • Leen61:

      Sadly substance is a thing of the past, long having been beaten in the moral arm wrestling contest by the flashy and oh so "have a beer withable" style. People don't want to think that their global affairs might be better left in the hands of those capable of holding an intelligent, thoughtful conversation. Our "betters". Because now a days, no body is better than anyone else. This is a coutnry of participation trophies and non-competative kids soft ball games where the final score is always "Fun" to "Whee"!

      Some people are qualified for certain things. Trump is an unquestionably qualified celebrity pretend business TV show hoster. He is not, on the other hand, the person I would want on the otherside of the table from a volatile world leader who's never heard the word no in the same room as him. Sometimes tact saves lives, and with Trump's level of personal awareness we'll all be dead before breakfast.

    • 1 year ago
  • Leen61
  • bike10
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • DeistofSurreal
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Itsbatman_Durr
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Itsbatman_Durr
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Itsbatman_Durr
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • CalPal
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • CalPal:

      But what if he built a lavish Something Star resort that looked just like a 3/5 scale replica of the landmark of your choice? Huh? C'mon, that's a hell of a deal. And you know what? First night's on the house with the purchase of a seven night emperor package and airfare.

      And why do you get such an incredible deal? Because he likes you. That's why. That's what the Trump brings to the table. You walk away and this deal doesn't exist anymore. Ya got me!?

    • 1 year ago
  • Itsbatman_Durr
  • Incredulous
    • +1
      Incredulous  
    • Itsbatman_Durr:

      nice art work...I keep wondering if he's using the same hair growth treatment on his eyebrows as his head, but clearly, something doesn't seem to match, although, ironically, the mustache seems a perfect fit. go figure....

    • 1 year ago
  • lopinjop
    • +4
      lopinjop  

    • It may be immature and a little haphazard, but all I can think is FUCK Donald Trump, I will lose all faith in this country if he wins the 2012 elections. We do, as a nation, deserve him though, good message.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • +2
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • lopinjop:

      Thanks, but don't worry, we're not quite THAT stupid as a people yet. Give it twenty years though and we can all watch President The Situation on season three of "The W HiZzle" and weep for what we once were.

    • 1 year ago
  • MizPiz
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • Incredulous
    • +2
      Incredulous  
    • MizPiz:

      Hey now, that sounds like that alien movie with Wil Smith....what the hell was it when all the believers headed up to the top of the building to welcome they didn't know what, and then....oh yeah, it was Independence Day.

    • 1 year ago
  • UrbanGypsy
    • +3
      UrbanGypsy  

    • The same little corner of my brain that was secretly wishing for McCain and Palin to win in 2008 is the same one that is secretly (very secretly) wishing that Donald Trump ends up as our president in 2012. It's the same little part of my brain that likes to entertain all the "clusterfuck" what-if scenarios of the world.

      No doubt, our country would cease to exist as a functioning entity - but perhaps that's all we have to look forward to - comedy. I'm from a country where we have been stuck with the same ruling brothers for 52 years and had to endure economic collapse, political repression and no future. We responded with laughter.

      At the end of the day laughter is the only thing we have left. If Donald Trump wins, we'll end up with a president who owned a casino and saw it go bankrupt. Is that even possible? LOL!

      Well at least we'll have a healthy supply of jokes for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Is that not worth it?

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • +2
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • UrbanGypsy:

      I personally do think that the utter collapse of our entire way of life and all sense of security and hope for the future is a small price to pay for being able to witness first hand the utter lunacy of the potential Trump presidency.

      But then again, I'm sort of not the one to ask about whether or not it's a good idea for society to be imploded by the sheer tonnage of our own stupidity. I laugh hysterically at the most uncomfortable and inapropriate things, it tickles me right where I like to be tickled... the funny balls.

    • 1 year ago
  • UrbanGypsy
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • UrbanGypsy:

      There's always that risk, but so long as we always remember to not sit down too sharply on the chair of bad decisions, the balls of funny will hopefully continue to avoid the ever present danger of our wreckless American girth...

      Is this still a metaphore?

    • 1 year ago
  • littlwarrior
  • MizPiz
    • 0
      MizPiz  
    • UrbanGypsy:

      I actually have something like that too, only it wishes for the Trump presidency solely because it wants to see the collapse of our way of life. I have nothing really malicious in mind when I think of this, I just like the idea of humanity destroying itself the more we do stuff that will make us destroy ourselves.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • +1
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • littlwarrior:

      You have a plot too? We should compare notes, you know, make sure we're not both going to be using the same doomsday weapon. That would be embarrassing... Tabloids would have a field day with that one.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • littlwarrior
    • +2
      littlwarrior  
    • VanFullOfCandy:

      Well I have no intent on distroying the world only taking over, and my most probable weapon will be either Catholics or Mormons, whomever I can convince first to take me as their leader. Though I have considered just making my own religion, ya know just winging it like whats his face and Scientology.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • -1
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • littlwarrior:

      Ah, okay, that's a relief. I can continue work on my uncharted, hollowed out island mountain in the Pacific, developing my ultimate weapon of destruction. BEECANO! The Volcano that errupts BEES! (copyright, trademark, patent pending)

    • 1 year ago
  • UrbanGypsy
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • UrbanGypsy
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • CursingOldGoat
    • +3
      CursingOldGoat  

    • Trump is just one more example of the negativity in this Country.......Looking for problems where there are no problems. Now he is doing it again with President Obama's education......what a dip wad!!!! The President has more intelligence in his little finger than Trump will ever have.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • CursingOldGoat:

      Well, now that he's proven to Mr. Trump that he's not a super secret spy foreigner he has to next prove that he's not black. Good thing he's got a white mom, otherwise, this'd be a tough one.

      Then of course, after that, we have to get back to how he's a socialist muslim, but fortunately we've got 19 months for that.

    • 1 year ago
  • NickerBocker09
    • +1
      NickerBocker09  

    • Meh, I havent lost all hope. I was visiting a poli 100 class the other day and the professor talked about corporate run this and that and the entire class agreed and voiced their opinion of corporations need to be kicked in the butt for what they have, are, and will be doing. How the US needs to end its imperialism. How we need to raise taxes back to historic levels because obviously tax cuts in the past 30 years havent done anything. And in a class that Im actually in we had ot break work on what our careers were. Seemed like bullshit at first (the class deals with ethics and religion swo a bit unrelated) but when the prof asked what people want to do -- in a class of 150 only a couple wants to be businessmen while everyone else wanted to be doctors, engineers, teachers (whole lot of teachers), nurses, humanitarian workers, etc.... and most want to end up in the city or close to it, because they realize why suburbia is a joke and fantasy (and destructive).

      Anyways my point is that there is still hope but it will fade a way if they arent used.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • NickerBocker09:

      Sure there's hope. Until the real world beats it out of you. I hope, like every generation just ahead of another on its way to responsibility, that those behind us will somehow be able to be the ones that change things. But have you seen the slack jawed buffoons Keeping up the the Kardashians? It's hard to have too much hope, but it'd be nice to be surprised.

    • 1 year ago
  • Itsbatman_Durr
    • +1
      Itsbatman_Durr  
    • NickerBocker09:

      heres the rub, the same idealistic anti corp dreamers of class today are the corporate scum of tomorrow. the greedy pigs of today embraced all the same anti corp rhetoric when they were broke ass students. then they were offered corporate jobs with expense accounts, a company car and a way to pay off their student loans and live the miller high life like the commercials promised.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • Itsbatman_Durr:

      It's absolutely true. It's easy to be idealistic and hopeful for the future when you don't have anything. It's a hell of a lot harder to still feel the same when you've finally gotten something and don't want to lose it.

    • 1 year ago
  • bailey78
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • bailey78
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • BigAL72
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • JustZ
    • +2
      JustZ  

    • Not on your life. Not even as a joke. And certainly not as punishment for America's vacuous MSM!!

      This isn't some spoiled kid who needs to teach us all a lesson in humility. This man represents all that is wrong in the world, much less this sad excuse for a democracy.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • JustZ:

      Sure, it probably won't happen. But don't we kinda deserve it? With the game playing that politics has become, with the empty, hollow existence that the lives of most of the population now lead, if you can call sucking down Double Down sandwiches and Chocolate Milk while watching our DVRed marathon of 16 and Pregnant?

      Don't we kind of have it comin'?

      Not that I'm rooting for it... But I'm kinda almost rooting for it.

    • 1 year ago
  • mrsitssopinkjones
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • wyndesonge
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • wyndesonge:

      No, I fully expect that we'll avoid this mind boggling, nonsensical result. But if we somehow to end up skidding into this ridiculocity, I for one will feel privileged to have a front row seat to the fall of the American Empire. We'll be able to tell our irradiated, mutant fish grand children all about it some day.

    • 1 year ago
  • bluestranger
    • +3
      bluestranger  

    • If you think your generation sucks now stick around for two or three more decades. My generation was supposedly interested in making the world a better place. I see more signs of a man made apocalypse everyday. This, from people with idealistic intent.

    • 1 year ago
  • VanFullOfCandy
    • 0
      VanFullOfCandy  
    • bluestranger:

      You have to hope that at some point there's a shift in how people do things or see the world. The quest for power and fortune is the hollowest of pursuits, but it's all that anyone seems to understand. I hope there's a better future out there, but until we find it, what's mine is mine, and I'll shoot you in the god damned mother fucking face on live national television if you come too close to it!

    • 1 year ago
  • bluestranger
  • VanFullOfCandy
  • bluestranger
  • WagonMaster
  • VanFullOfCandy
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