Comedy | December 02, 2011 | 10 comments

The Borowitz Report: A Farewell from Herman Cain

source: http://borowitzreport.us1.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=49de3335c30245ecd0fa291aa&id=743947b930

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EthicalVegan
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December 2, 2011

A Farewell from Herman Cain

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My Final Thoughts



Dear Friend,

And when I say “friend,” I mean it in the normal way, not “someone I’ve been sleeping with for 13 years.” Unless, of course, I have been sleeping with you for 13 years. In that case, I do mean it that way.

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to end my inspirational quest for the White House. After much reassessing and reconsidering, I have decided to spend more time being screamed at by my wife. And by “more time,” I mean 24 hours a day, stopping only for bathroom breaks.

But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign. After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair. And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me?

I mean, let’s get real. I never heard of Libya. I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz. And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain. Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me. In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants. (I have no idea what I meant by that -- I just like saying 9-9-9.)

But here’s the part that really kills me. You’re kicking me to the curb because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt Gingrich? I repeat: are you fucking kidding me? Oh, I know what you’re saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.” Well, Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.

And that leads me to my final point: you disgust me, America. Right now if I had my way, I’d up and move to another country. I really, truly would. Only I don’t know where any of them are, and my wife won’t let me leave the house.

Goodbye forever,

Herman

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10 comments // The Borowitz Report: A Farewell from Herman Cain

  • GavinTheMother
    • +2
      GavinTheMother  

    • How is it that overt, seemingly intentional (as it's hard to imagine the depth without purpose), ignorance of all things relevant to leading an entire damn country, does not disqualify you from running for office? But an extramarital affair is the end of the road? Unbelievable. Granted, being the frontrunner in the GOP race is like being a two legged man in the special olympics, but really? (I apologize to all individuals with disabilities for comparing you to Herman Cain. I realize that is harsh and unfair.)

    • 6 months ago
  • Leen61
  • EmperorThan
  • Joeydee44
  • nikonwilly
  • GENERALNATTY
  • EthicalVegan
  • nanac
  • GENERALNATTY
    • +1
      GENERALNATTY  
    • nanac:

      I never was his supporter i called a ace a ace and a spade a spade. I said barring unforseen circumstances he was a going to be a force to be reckoned with
      and he was, he was the neck and neck with romney, polling higher than obama nationally and he was carrying states like south carolina for a black person that
      was epic.

      He was focused on the economy which is what people cared about and With black unemployment at 16-18 percent, he could have taken 30 percent of the
      black vote, which would have been a huge threat to obama and he had a real shot at winning the primary and even if he didnt, as a vice presidential candidate
      he still would have been a force to reckon with, if he had has foriegn policy in line and no sexual accusations he would be the front runner right now.

      Think of what it took to take him down, a firestorm surrounding his smoking ad, 3 anonymous accusations, one of which later came out publically, 2 public accusers
      one of them with gloria allred a 13 year affair and a 4 foreign policy gaffes , thats 3 50 caliber rounds 2 cruise missles and a nuke and if somehow you survived all of that and was coughing up nuclear fallout send in 4 drones with dropping napalm all of this over a 2 month period and if you take into consideration that the first accusations actually made him go up in the polls and raise the most money he ever had in his entire campaign, it really took a hell of a lot to get him out of the race, which really bolsters my position that cain was a real contender.

      I was skeptical of the initial accusations because they were anonymous and the reaction from the liberals was to quickly convict him in the court of public opinion i am against people being railroaded, that was my objection in that situation and i stand by words.

    • 6 months ago
  • nanac
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