Mitt Romney, Italian Stallion

Few Americans know the real truth about Mitt Romney, an Italian national who has masqueraded as an American citizen since 1968, the year his father, George, smuggled his Italian mistress, Phoebe, into the country, along with their love child, Mitt.

The elder Romney enrolled Mitt in an intensive language and cultural absorption course so that the boy could eventually pass as a U.S. citizen, and Mitt did not disappoint his father. Before three months had passed, Mitt was cruising high school parking lots, picking up cheerleaders and regaling them with his dark, Latin good looks and newly-acquired teen slang: words such as “far out,” “right on,” and “up tight” spewed from his lips as if he had been born here.

Mitt avoided the pitfalls of marijuana, but he fell victim to an addiction to Beeman’s Gum and Nehi Orange Soda. By the time the 70s rolled around, he was as toothless as a ninety-year-old, and he started shunning friends in an attempt to hide his periodontal misery. When George Romney, then living in Somalia, found out that his son was missing out on the social scene, he jetted home and took the young man in for comprehensive dental reconstruction, which rendered Mitt’s mouth almost normal.

The emotional scars were harder to hide, however, and when Mitt flunked out of Grambling State, it was less because of his low I.Q. than the fact that he was still ashamed to let people see his gums. An extended visit with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in Calcutta proved to be just what he needed to regain his confidence and poise.

In the 1980s, Mitt rocketed to riches as the head of a large stocking manufacturing firm, where he endeared himself to his employees by walking through the plant with a pair of argyles on his hands. Romney’s hand puppet shows are still talked about in the little hamlet of Framingham, Massachusetts.

Following his loss in the presidential primaries of 2008, Mitt returned to Italy, where he renewed his love affair with Francesca de Rimini, an older woman who wears her bifocals to bed. Even though aides have urged him to break it off, Mitt stands by his soul mate, and in a recent interview reiterated his commitment to bringing decent pasta to American restaurants.

“It’s not the taste that matters,” says Romney. “It’s the texture.”

Mitt is coy about his future presidential plans, saying he prefers the languorous Italian nights to the hurly-burly of the American political scene. However, when asked, point-blank, if he plans to run in 2012, he stated, “No Italian has been elected president of the United States……yet!”

Photo Attribution (All photos obtained via Creative Commons per attribution):

Italy:
http://www.davidrumsey.com/maps5582.html

George:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mharrsch/161828261/

Fonzie:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/89927155@N00/2436027922/

Somalia:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/burningmax/2987365845/

Dentist:
http://www.fotopedia.com/items/flickr-354567555

Maharishi:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarasmile/141603992/

Socks:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gomattolson/4416342615/

Francesca:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/titounet/2765867371/

Pasta:
http://capl.washjeff.edu/browseresults.php?langID=2&photoID=4388&size=m

Mitt:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/6149216338/