Oil Companies Creating Special Packaging for $5-a-Gallon Gas (Satire)
source: http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i104732
-
-
- mbalton
- added this
“Think expensive fragrances, top-shelf liquor and premium cosmetic formulas,” said John “Wildcat” Crenshaw, Vice President of the Petroleum Marketers Association.
“They’re not pumped and purchased like raw sewage. They’re bottled in designer glass, packaged in attractive wrappings, and branded with memorable names and taglines.
“When gas reaches $5 a gallon, it joins the list of a luxury items. That means we’ve got to give it the same treatment.”
Crenshaw previewed the branding efforts of several major oil corporations. Shell Oil will be offering a faux crystal decanter that carries the brand name “Extinction” and the slogan “Refined from 100% white meat dinosaur.”
Chevron will be bottling its fuel in “futuristic/retro” containers under the “Dilithium” brand. “Warping without the whining” is the enterprising tagline here.
Exxon-Mobil’s entry into luxury gas branding is called “Tiger,” in tribute to when Exxon used to invite drivers to “put a tiger in your tank.”
The gas comes in a fiberglass tiger head vessel. And for every 100 gallons purchased, an actual tiger will be “rescued” from the wild so it can “run away” with a circus. “Exxon just loves to find ways to piss off PETA,” Crenshaw explained.
British Petroleum is taking a more realistic approach, marketing its gas in gallon metal drums that resemble the barrels in which refined oil is transported. Sold under the “Gusher” brand-name, BP’s luxury product will carry the slogan “Don’t spill. Don’t tell.”
Crenshaw finished his presentation by pointing out the cost of the proposed packaging will raise the price of gas to over $10 a gallon.
“That actually is an advantage,” he said. “The higher the price, the more luxurious the product, which justifies our luxury branding. Besides, if the oil companies are selling less gallons, they need to make higher profits on every gallon they do sell. That makes luxury a necessity.”
-
- groups:
- Community, News and Politics, Culture, Comedy, 4 more
-
-
Abbynrml
-
Yeah and the big banks are the top five speculators of oil and buy it and withhold supply until demand drives the prices up. Along with BOA, JP Morgan Chase in the top five the Koch brothers also have a large stake in speculation. It is reported they have two super tankers held held in the persian gulf until they with the banks aiding, drive up prices so they can make a profit at the peoples expense. The report has the Koch brother getting 20-40 cents off of every gallon in profits at the pump. Although President Obama has no power to affect oil prices, Why hasn't he went after the speculators who are hurting the people and make this illegal and take speculators out of the process? I guess it is the same reason he has protected the banks against prosecution from robo-signings and a sweetheart of a settlement of 26 billion given the fact that they put our mortgage industry & economy over 700 billion in the hole and millions of homeowners sh*t out of luck to really claim the meager payoff for their getting screwed between $1000-$2000 if they can come up with the mortgage paperwork and prove they were wronged. They need to break up the too big to fail banks before we foot the bill for their current illegal activities in which all observers say they are back doing.
- 3 months ago
-
Abbynrml
