The Groundhog day conspiracy
Just kidding, this is the dumbest holiday on the American calendar. It is perpetrated by the Robber Barons of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, population: 6,271. Their only goal is to make money by convincing us that they can tell the future.
This is completely ludicrous! There are only two people who can tell the future, this fortune teller next to the freeway, and a shaman I met at Machu Picchu (he was visiting from Toronto.) The people of Punxsutawney try to convince the American public that they know when winter will happen, by parading around a "groundhog."
What's a "groundhog" anyway? I thought they were pork sausage patties. Turns out they are a large rodent. Some people call them woodchucks, whistle-pigs, and land-beavers. All distractions from what they really are: ANNOYING. I have proof...
Why would such a stupid-idiot-jerky-moron, be able to know whether or not winter was over? Did this groundhog study meteorology? Has he a degree in atmospheric science? I trust scientists, not some mystical ground squirrel.
I'm believe that Punxsutawney Phil is literally a puppet of the town's residents. He commits the community's sins, because he is a marionette. They use weather charts to figure out if winter is six weeks away, then they make it seem like a rodent is talking, when in fact it's a deceitful Punxsutawney resident.
I think this conspiracy is far reaching. Isn't it interesting that an actor in the film Groundhog's Day, was also in the only other movie to star a marmot?
I believe that Bill Murray brought the fake gopher from Caddy Shack, to Punxsutawney so they could use it to fool the masses for years to come. The townspeople benefit from a correct answer from the faux-pher, because he brings the community a steady income.
This year the town is exploiting phone bills by asking people to text 'Groundhog' to 247365. They'll supposedly "get a text from Punxsutawney Phil."
Really? A groundhog that can send text messages? This is so fake.
Despite the criminal mastery that goes into this it's actually pretty irrelevant for me. I don't know about seasons, I'm from California. I surf to school, and rollerblade with celebrities. I'm not familiar with this "Winter" you keep talking about. All I know is that some days it's a little too cold for shorts, in the morning.
If we don't stop Punxsutawney, they'll take over the world. You can quote me on that.
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POSTSCRIPT
I felt bad about dissing your favorite holiday, so I made you an e-card.
More on groundhogs:
- John Lichman and Current Movies are watching Groundhog's Day.
- Urlesque is also celebrating the marmots.
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