comedy blog 385 items | updated Aug 26 2010

I was perusing Current.com, and came across a post on how to decipher and spot Jay-Z's Illuminati messages and Satan Worship 101. I wanted to learn so I read it. Its discussion of hidden meanings reminded me of my favorite TV show LOST.

"Did you notice all those references to polar bears?" "Why do those numbers keep showing up all over the island?" "What is the smoke monster?"

The questions can start to be answered, if you re-watch episodes and apply what you've learned from supplementary sites like Lostpedia. All the connections and foreshadowing have made this an excellent television program.

In fantasy it makes sense to search for hidden messages, because the world of fiction is entirely created by an author. It's problematic when you apply this same methodology to reality, because no one person gives reality inherent meaning.

When you listen for hidden messages, to find out whether or not Jay-Z is in the illuminati, you'll probably find them, because you are dedicated to finding inherent meaning, where underlying meaning doesn't exist.

Conspiracy theorists attach themselves to conspiracies, because they are looking for answers. They think they can find meaning on the back of the dollar bill, which is a lot easier than dealing with the fact that there might not be any inherent meaning.

Making that plunge, into an existential world, isn't as scary as they think. When we realize there is no essential meaning to anything, we are then free to create our own... and party to Jay-Z records without feeling like we're being brainwashed by the illuminati.

Some cool links.

Asylum lockdown Cheech and Chong (Asylum)

• - Homemade eyeball tattoos (Afro Jacks)


• - Internet bridge troll (College Humor)


• - Sleeveface (boingboing)


• - Giant dog tickles a baby (Buzzfeed)


• - MIA song inspired by three-hour Verizon tech support call (Gizmodo)


• - Cat called for jury duty (Urlesque)

These are your virals for 1/11.

the snowman



Death Metal Rooster





Old Friends - Father-in-Law



A-Team trailer



Badder Romance (Lady Gaga parody)



Make some suggestions for tomorrow’s Current Virals over at Current.com/virals! Or tweet your suggestions to Current_Comedy.

We've got a SuperNews! sneak peek for you. Everyone's favorite awkward alien is back, and he's looking to shape up, to impress the ladies.

Looking to lose 15 to 20 lbs, Gorgon hits the gym with his bro Gorgoff. Despite being a gym newbie, Gorgon tries to impress his trainer and the ladies with his awkward feats of strength.

infoMania asks: Will TV be better in 2010? Let's hope television can follow through with its resolutions this year.

How many iterations of Little People, Big World, The Little Couple, and Little Chocolatiers does TLC need to officially become TLPC?

The Biggest Loser, More to Love, One Big Happy Family, and  Dance Your Ass Off would probably be better off to drop the euphemism.

And television would be better in general if there was a network that just played the video of that lawyer who got knocked out AND had technical difficulty.

I'm a sucker for cartography, so I really love this map that NY Times and Netflix put out. It's shows what movies people rent based on neighborhood. It's interesting to compare this to the LA Times neighborhoods maps.

Adam Sandler's children film Bedtime Stories is the top 10 most rented film in some neighborhoods, and barely breaks the top 50 in others. Using the neighborhoods map, I was able to see why.





In Brentwood the film is not in the top 50. This neighborhood has a median age of 39. The percentages of residents age 65 and up and 50-64 are among the Los Angeles's highest. In Wilmington this is the 10th most rented video. On the other hand has a median age of 24. The percentages of residents age 10 or less and 11-18 are among the LA's highest.

This same idea can works with Idris Elba and Beyonce Knowles' Obsessed.




In Encino this film is not in the top 50. Encino is 80% white. The percentage of white people is among the city's highest. This is the third most rented film in Broadway-Manchester. The neighborhood is 39.3% black and 58.6% Latino. The percentages of black and Latino people are among the city's highest.

I'm not sure how to synthesize all this data, but I think it's evidence that people in different zip codes, live different lives.

Monday, here are some cool links.

Angry man at Burger King gets instant karma (Kibe Loco)

• - Fish Punchers (Atom)


• - The FATS of Life (Bottom of the Ladder)


• - Tuper Tario Brothers - Tetris / Mario mashup (boingboing)


• - Japan's pretty manholes (Urlesque)


• - White noise generator screams back at you (Gizmodo)


• - Bama to display national championship football trophy at WalMart (Buzzfeed)


• - 7 outlandish coffins (Asylum)

• links previously deemed cool

What goes through an actor's mind, during a performance? This is the type of question James Lipton asks his guests on Inside the Actor's Studio. I had a chance to sit down with one of the great background actors of our time.

You might remember his background dancing on the White Hot Top 5 and Target Women. Last night on the  Rotten Tomatoes Show, he was featured in his most prominent role to date.

Current_Comedy This video was really funny. Brett and Ellen had stellar performances. You were just in the background. What would you say to critics who don't believe that you influenced the quality of this piece?
JoshuaHeller I'd have to agree with them. I was checking out my new smartphone the whole time.

CC but there were certainly moments when you emoted.
JH Oh that's true. For example Brett asked the camera "Does anybody know what jump back means?" It was so easy for me to react the way I did, because I had no idea what it meant.

CC You seemed really excited when the final verdict came through and Ferris Bueller was declared cool. Was that acting or reacting?
JH Again I was reacting earnestly. Maybe I got a teency bit more excited, because the cameras were rolling.

CC What would you say to young people looking to break into the field?
JH I'd say get a job in the media industry. Sit at your desk, and if someone asks if you want to be an extra. Say yes.

Hello Internet it's Friday! These are some cool links to help you through the day.

On G4's Feedback -- they tackle the next DS, the insanity of Bayonetta, and if they believe in 3D? (G4)

• -  Michael Cera interview for Youth in Revlot (Asylum)


• -  There Are Many Simpler, Less Illegal Ways To Get A Klondike Bar (Atom)


• - Cartoon Stand-Up (College Humor)


• - In Love with the Voicemail Lady ft. DJ Steve Porter. (Barely Digital)


• - 'Seal of Approval' Is a Predictor of Failure (Urlesque)


• - 7 things you should never say through social media (Guyism)

Hey infoMania fans. I've got a recap for you, right here!

They've got it all local news snow stories, New Years Eve TV specials, getting in shape with your Wii, top songs of the decade, and snowy viral videos.

Conor Knighton takes a look in his weekly roundup of the best clips from the week. Also includes: New Year's TV specials, the dumbest debate of the decade, Jesus sightings, and 'Conveyor Belt of Love.'

Is your New Years resolution to not be such a fatty? InfoMania's Ben Hoffman grabs a Nintendo Wii and uses technology to help tighten his flabby physique!

Conor Knighton investigates in his weekly look at what's in the magazines, 'We've Got You Covered.' Also includes the best fights of 2010, China, Rihanna topless, Chris Brown's plea for forgiveness, weight-loss tips, and weight.

Don't venture out into the dangerous outdoors to get your sledding fix. Stay indoors and watch other idiots get hurt instead from the comfort of your computer! Brett Erlich shows you the best on 'Viral Video Film School.'

TV makes some New Year's resolutions on ways that it can improve itself in
2010.

It may just be the worst job in news - the 'snow reporter.'

Sergio Cilli counts down the best-selling tracks of the decade on this week's 'White Hot Top 5.' On the list: Black Eyed Peas, Nickelback, Flo Rida, Usher, and Mariah Carey.

Watch infoMania every Thursday night at 10pm on Current TV!

UPDATE

NY Times is reporting that Leno will start at 11:35 and Conan will start at 12:05.

The entire internet just told me that Jay Leno is retaking Conan's 11:30 slot. Of course, I'll probably side with Conan, as I think he is funnier than Jay Leno. But I am way more interested in the trends, jokes, and memes that will come from this event.

Both "Conan" and "Jay Leno" are trending on Twitter.

A few Facebook groups have popped up with names like Help Save "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" and Boycott Leno to Save Conan!

I wonder how this will play out on the meme front.

Yee haa! infoMania is back with their first hilarious episode of the new year! The fun starts tonight at 10pm on Current TV.

But I've got you a Tech Report sneak peek, right here! Ben Hoffman tries to stay in shape with some of the games on the Wii.

If Ben Hoffman somehow inspired you to workout, these are the games he played:

• Wii Fit Plus


• Jenny McCarthy Your Shape


• The Biggest Loser for Wii


• Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2009

New York Post is reporting that Howard Stern Show personality, Artie Lange allegdly attempted suicide by stabbing himself nine times. The comedian's mother found him with knife wounds in his Hoboken apartment. She called paramedics, and he was hospitalized. Surgeons were able to save Lange. On-air Stern said:

"Artie has given this show tremendous moments of great comedy. He's a tremendous contributor. He is a good man. Don't forget how great he is."

I find myself switching positions on "cute videos." Sometimes I think they're a great part of the internet, other times I'll suggest that they are a waste of time for our stupid culture. It's probably dependent on my mood. Right now I feel like lauding internet cuteness.

We've previously discussed our inherent mammalian appreciation for cute things. Today I'd like to talk about the narrative function of a very cute video.

Urlesque found "baby stuck behind couch."

The video instinctually draws us in with its cuteness. We are at first curious: Why is there a kid stuck behind a couch? His initial "I don't want to tell you" draws us into the story. Almost like that confrontation scene in Chinatown, the audience is confused and compelled to solve this mystery.

The parents eventually proclaim an ultimatum: "you have to tell me if you want to get out." This eventually convinces the toddler to go into a roundabout diatribe on the events leading to his entrapment. The parents continue to interrogate with questions they already know the answers to.

"Well how'd the police cars get back there?"

Matter-of-factly, realizing he has no other options the baby admits: "I throw them back there." The mother mildly reprimands the boy.

He thinks for an extended moment, then resorts back to the whimper of urgency: "I want to get out of here." The inquisition continues, then the child begins to cry. It is with this rhetorical technique that the baby is able to trick his parents into extracting him.

"You promise not to go behind the couch anymore." Even though the mother recognizes his "mmhmm" is insincere, she sends the father to facilitate the release. The mother notes "I'm a horrible mother to be laughing." But the baby is freed unscathed. He finally remarks "thanks for saving me, now can you get the police car out."

This is real life playing out like a sitcom. It's not the real life of reality television, mediated through multiple cameras, story editors, and executive producers. This is a glimpse into the tiny narratives we live everyday. Like television, this video was created for public consumption. This story becomes more meaningful, because more people share this experience. This shared experience make things feel more real.

I'd like to believe that this video makes others appreciate the small narratives in their own lives. Owning meaning, empowers people.

So, some people like to call things FAILs, when they aren’t FAILs at all. I try to look for the glimmer of goodness in everything, so this is another edition of some FAILs that I don’t think are really FAILs.



This isn't a FAIL, as it is the perfect space to reference my favorite meme of all time: Yo dawg, I heard you like cans, so we put a can in your can so you can can while you can.



While we're on the topic of "meta." Someone found that a purveyor of FAILs had failed at spelling. Even more devastating, the word they spell wrong was "stupidity." I don't have any claims against that FAIL, just against the way they screen capped it. Nobody cares what other tabs you have open in your browser. Let's see this cropped better next time.



Really, a FAIL? You are just so cheap sometimes. 99¢ on rabies, is a great deal. It's going to take you hours to find a better price, and by the time you do, you're only going to save like 2¢.





What part of this is a FAIL? Don't you appreciate the miracle of life? This clown is eight months pregnant. It's 2010, stop hatin'!



Every year around this time, buildings shed their awnings. So there isn't any irony, when the Lucky House sheds it's awning. It would only be a FAIL if it kept it's awning through the new year.



Prostitution as I'm sure you are aware is legal in Belgium. But there are laws prohibiting "assisting immigration for the purpose of prostitution." This is a great way to ensure human rights, but as a result prices for sex acts have skyrocketed. So this superior ass is quite a good deal.



Normally I wouldn't appreciate this trolly sort of FAIL, but I am impressed by the commentator's media literacy and deductive reasoning. This sort of adeptness is necessary to live intelligently in our post-fact society. He discovered that while this woman claims to have not seen her husband in twelve months, she appears very pregnant. As the human gestation period is nine months, he has inferred that the child, is not the returning patriot's. Even though there are dozens of reasons why this isn't really a FAIL, I truly appreciate the writer's effort.



So you've doctored a FAIL to become popular on a website. I admit it was clever that you could construct the word "butthole" like a Mad Magazine fold in, but this is to intentional to be a FAIL. Though by cheating, you did fail this test. See me after class.

Catch up on your FAILs that aren’t FAILS.

• - Some FAILs that I don’t think are FAILs #13


• - SFTIDTAF #12


• - SFTIDTAF #11


• - SFTIDTAF #10


• - More STIDTAF

There are plenty of links on the internet today, these are just the cool ones.

Humanoid sea creatures of the Antarctic (boingboing)

• - Check Out Google's Other New Phone: The Fuck-You-iPhone (Gizmodo)


• - Paper parkour (College Humor)


• - Ferret Apparel (Urlesque)


• - 30 blogs to avoid in 2010 (The Awl)


• - Tim Allen turns into a tree (Comedy.com)


• - Michael Cera in new Islands music video (Streetboners)


• - NJ Weedman Boosts the Economy Via Marijuana Parties (Asylum)

It appears 4chan's mayhem may have already begun. This screencap was taken a few minutes ago (I blacked out the most NSFW parts.) The user is "lukeywes9000," whose name is an homage to Lukeywes1234. Though this uploader didn't fully follow instructions, as it's titled Hanna Montana, but it's thumbnail is clearly not safe for work.



Right now Pornographic videos flood YouTube is the most popular story on BBC News, even though it appears to have been published in March 2009. Either way, I'm sure we can expect more up-to-date news on this current 4chan raid.

Stay tuned for more on this breaking story.

More on YouTube Porn Day...

These are your virals for 1/5.

Ship Gets Engulfed by an Atomic Bomb Wave



The Most Useless Machine EVER!





VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill



PWN'D Support Group



Ashton Kutcher's Blow Out?



Make some suggestions for tomorrow’s Current Virals over at Current.com/virals!

Prepare yourself for an invasion of NSFW all up on your youtubes. 4chan, the internet underworld responsible for so tasteless memes, is set to attack the internet tomorrow.

Protesters are instructed to cut porn into cartoons, games, and sports highlights, from fake accounts. Then upload and unhide each these videos on January 6th. TechCrunch says:

The move comes in response to one account, Lukeywes1234, being suspended by YouTube. Apparently this was just a regular YouTube user who caught the eye of 4chan and they proceeded mass follow him and make tribute videos to him.

This is reminiscent of Fight Club, where operatives of Project Mayhem insert pornographic scenes into mainstream movies. I'm not supporting this, but I am interested to see how this action plays out.