Sh*t conservatives say: CPAC edition

The Conservative Political Action Conference is underway, giving conservatives an opportunity to compare American flag lapel pins, laugh at their own teleprompter jokes and sprinkle in a touch of hate and intolerance. 

I didn't set out today to do anything about CPAC, but after seeing some of what's coming out of this meeting of the conservative minds I couldn't resist pulling together some of the most inane things that were actually said out loud and into microphones by people at the conference.

To be clear, it can sometimes be difficult to parse which quotes by conservatives are real and which are made up by the funny folks on the Internet, but I've done my best here to keep fiction from reality -- no matter how unbelievable that reality might be...

Fox News pundit says Rachel Maddow is 'best argument in favor of her parents using contraception'
It seems conservatives believe contraception is a terrible thing -- unless it gets rid of gays and liberals. Think Progress reports that Fox News pundit and conservative columnist Cal Thomas got in a real zinger after a clip of MSNBC host Rachel Maddow discussing how conservatives are politicizing contraception, by saying, "I'm glad you played the Rachel Maddow clip because I think she is the best argument in favor of her parents using contraception. I would be all for that."

If you thought anyone on Thomas' panel or the audience would condemn the comment, think again:

Irony of the Day: Cain left race because he 'put family first'
At 0:55 in the video below, what should have been a massive laugh line was eaten up with delight by an adoring crowd. Herman Cain says he dropped out of the race for president for two reasons: "gutter politics, and I chose to put family first."

Kirk Cameron says the tree of America is rotting
Kirk Cameron, who became famous as a teen star on the sitcom "Growing Pains," and has become a popular religious and conservative voice was on hand at CPAC. Politico reports he said, "As I look around I get this sinking feeling that we’re off track, that there’s something sick in the soul of our country. I examine the fruit that’s hanging on the tree of America and I can see that it’s rotting. And that concerns me deeply."

“The family is falling apart. Divorce is at an all-time high,” he said. “Teenage pregnancy, drugs, alcohol – things that used to be shameful 50 years are now normalized in public school and celebrated on television.”

Yes, the guy who said that had a TV best friend more than 20 years ago nicknamed "Boner."