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Cheating on Love




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With the divorce rate soaring, marriage as an institution is moving away from its sacred meaning. And nothing desecrates it more than those who cheat on their partner. In this pod from the Emmy-nominated documentary "Song of Songs," filmmaker Chris Brickler sets out to find whether or not monogamy is still possible for today's youth.
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20 responses // Cheating on Love

  • http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6970367.stm
    Divorce rate (in the uk) lowest for 22 years
    Divorce rate (in the uk) lowest for 22 years
    The divorce rate in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level for 22 years, official statistics reveal.. are missing more long term traditional values? This must be a temporary drop (..surely)
    Mr_Costello
  • I think that soon, life-long monogamy as basic expectation will be a thing of the past when people get married
    Then marriage will be soon to go.
    People just live too long, and we all change with each passing year.
    It IS too much to expect to be married for 70+ years [for the general populations, there are exceptions of course]
    Sad.
    And Frustrating.
    But true
    nixifer
  • The first time I knew that something was wrong, was about 7 years ago. When I started dating my bf. His dad was having an affair, and he was also abusive towards his kids and wife.
    Later his parents started sleeping in different rooms, then the dad never came home some days. And now that my bf went to college and the mom went to live with them in another country, the dad rented their old house, and made a new one for him and his gf. They have a baby and is named like my bf :(

    I think because of that reason my bf doesn't want to get married. We have been together longer than their parents have been married, but he doesn't want to get married.

    Marriage is something that has changed through generations. Sad thing but reality is a b***h
    Milu82
  • It is sad that I'm 25 and never had a relationship. So to be cheated on is some thing I've never felt. But I was on the other side doing the cheating and if I would had know that they were in a relationship I would have never done what I did. It makes it harder now to even want to be looking for a relationship.
    drearyeric
  • After almost two decades of monogamy, my relationship evaporated into a cloud of bitterness and pain. It took a long time to come to an end, and was (and still is) very painful. During the course of my breakup I confided in my three closest friends, and one other person. A woman I had been platonic friends with since the beginning of my relationship 18 years prior. I had secretly loved her all these years, and could not move on with my life without knowing if there was any chance she felt the same way as I did.

    She did.

    To make a VERY long story short, we began having an affair, and as the weeks and months went by, we realized that it was much more then two people simply unhappy with their relationships, it was the fact that we had both felt EXACTLY the same way all these years.

    I am single now and living alone, and she is in the process of leaving her husband so that we can be together. Neither of us has ever done anything of this nature before (and hopefully, never will again) and the guilt at what we are doing to our spouses is overwhelming at times. But, we are meant to be together, and as painful as it is, a worse fate would be for us to have remained in our relationships and allow them to slowly eat away at our souls and those of our partners as the years passed.

    The pain of cheating never goes away, and I have said since I was very young, I would never have an affair with someone I wouldn't leave my partner to be with. It's the reason why I hadn't done it for all those years. So, before you do it, think long and hard about it. Once the Pandora's box is open you cannot close it, so make sure you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

    But, on the other hand, you might get lucky and find the love of your life.
    gsp5645
  • I am unfortunately one of the statistics of a failed marriage...adultery slapped me into reality. Growing up, one dreams of the 'fairy tale happily ever after ending' ...what did I know! After four years of being out in the dating scene, I grow less and less hopeful that monogamy still exists.

    A tainted view on relationships!
    mel145
  • I see this and I want to say that the people that are trying to come off at Know what they talk of and well this 50% of American Marriages Are Ending in Divorce is a fiction. A myth. A tragically discouraging urban legend. look it up...

    http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/divorce.htm
    http://regbarc.newsvine.com/_news/2006/04/09/161020-div...

    If take the number of marriages in a year and look a the number of divorce in the same it does not show those marriages for tha years ending it show the number of marriages end that year...divorce stats were based more on assumptions than facts.

    CC
    CCorsair
  • I don't understand cheating exactly. While monogamy has always been easy for me, with some former lovers it hasn't been. I've been cheated on, sure, but I still maintain that relationships are easy when they are functioning properly. That is to say, one should not ask much of their other. Under no circumstances should one dictate to the other how to live their life. I will not quit smoking cigarettes, I will not buy new shoes, and I will not stop hanging out with my friends.

    Keep in mind that each and everyone of us are individuals and should still maintain the freedom as such. However, one minor stipulation applies and that is merely to maintain loyalty to one's lover. To practice sexual self-control is what one should strive for.

    I think that one problem with modern romance, other than asking too much of your partner, is that of a superficial mindset. Instead of trying to find the "hottest" male/female you can, one should rather try to establish genuine connections with everyone they meet and strengthen their social network. If one can get to know many people on a level of friendly intimacy, the ability to find a mate suited to your personality and lifestyle will be easier to find.

    I am still in pursuit of a female I can shower with love, but I will not settle for anything other than one who will totally accept and love me for exactly me.
    ianakaeeen
  • Many times I see things and I am compelled to not say anything and just be silent however watching people suffer. But then I think that if I do not say something I would fail to help someone that is going through what he or she perceives as a painful moment in their passionate life. First the title should be "Cheating on Passion" as "Love" it is a step you still need to reach and learn about it. I feel myself fortunate to have past experiences that really opened up my eyes towards human relationships and I was able to see and learn necessary things for my personal growth because I believed in GOD then and I still believe in GOD now. I am not going to give up the whole thing here because it really depends of each one of us to find this for themselves. However I am going to leave you with this final sentence and you try to figure it out the rest in your own. Love can care less about your "Cheating" or your selfish views of relationship implanted by the system (Religious or not) in your mind in which you are a prisoner of it because you do not believe or know GOD. Love excludes no one, Love only takes people in.

    Like I said before, society developed itself so much in Technology and Sciences but still act as an under developed child when is comes to relationships.
    stopnoise
  • I find it interesting that monogamy is the first choice for everyone not having grown up with a religious backround, taught to make decisions for myself from a single parent(my mother) household. It was never taught to me that being with one person your whole life is the way things should be because it was obvious to me that it wasnt. Friends parents were getting divorced, my parents divorce as a young child influenced me to think otherwise. Also coming from a single working parent household, an only child needs to find love and companionship from others.This does not replace the love for/from the parent but it is an addendum to feel whole and fully loved and completed.Whatever happens to 'it takes a village' when the village grows up?
    I was never aware of an alternative until recently because its something that is never discussed. Proponents say "well, our parents and grandparents did it, why cant we?" Well, they didnt have a choice. They did not have the freedoms that civil and social revolutions have granted us today. Instead, they hated eachother for 50 years, slept in diffrent beds, had affairs and abused other family members.

    Why should love be different in adult relationships, why are people so selfish to think that another persons indescretions effect how that person feels about their partner.I have had such experiences and they have no bearing on the immense love and committment feel for my boyfriend. Like my mother, he travels alot so when he is gone, is it wrong for me to find love and companionship elsewhere. I also think it selfish to expect that one singular person can provide me with everything that i need regarding love. If one person cannot do that, why break that bond instead of adding to it.Love can be found in friends, in women, in men, in sex or not in sex. It comes in many forms as Dr. FIsher describes. Like for the one woman(many women in fact) who expects her beau to leave his wife..why cant she be happy with the time she does get to spend instead of asking for more. For the man who cheated on evey gf, does it mean that he hated or didnt love those girls at the time?If we as a society really had a grasp on the psychology of love and selflessness, i think we wouldnt be so let down when it seemingly isnt working.
    hawabeans
  • Is it even possible for anyone to stay 100% faithful to there partner anymore?
    I have completely lost faith in that possibility. Maybe people aren't meant to be with only one person forever.
    CarCrashHeart
  • Sure it is possible. Our society and laws are based on monogamous pre-fabricated ideologies. So you will have more chance than the other way around, since for many, I do believe that it is an unavoidable choice. Not because of "passionate" relationships but because of the risk of contracting genetic diseases. However monogamy (which does not give a choice to many) it is very good for Governments to control people because it produces in its core more isolation of individuals and the justification of selfish, jealous behavior combined with centralization of tangible property.
    stopnoise
  • It makes me so sad to know that marriage is looked upon as "hey, if it doens't work, we can get divorced." I was raised in a 2 parent household and my parents went thru ups and downs, I was a kid but I saw it. They made a lifelong committment to eachother and they are still together and they got through those tough times and stuck it out and are happier now then I have ever seen them, its like they fell in love alllll over again. I have come to terms that I live in a world where marriage and vows don't really hold much water anymore, but for me, it only drives me more and more to find that person that I CAN spend my whole life with. I will not settle, I will love someone with all that I have and its not going to be easy but I won't make that vow and that committment until I know that I can and want to go thru the good bad and the ugly with that person.
    Heres to the search!
    nfaloon
  • I think why we're seeing a lot of divorces is because a good number of people don't take the time to get to know each other before they get married. Instead, they get married for superficial reasons such as society's expectations, ie: you're 30? why aren't you married?, or family pressure, church guilt trips, ie: you've been fooling around? now it's time to marry that person! or basing one's decision on the person's looks, bank account, materialistic wealth, etc...

    All of these have in common of disregarding the individuals involved. It is hard enough to find someone you are truly compatible with, without the society getting all up in your business.

    Also, many people simply shack up instead of going through with the formal ceremony of marriage. Weddings today cost an average of $28,000. When you're a young couple starting out, who has that kind of money?

    As for monogamy, it's easier to stay in one if you're with someone truly compatible with you. Trust your gut instincts about a person. Not everyone else's expectations.
    phoenix_fire999
  • The key isn't whether monogamy exists, rather the question should be "are we willing to work at it anymore?". It is so much simpler to say. "Let me fuck around on this person whose relationship with has eaten away at my soul and lust for life, and get back that loving feeling" than to say "What has gone wrong and how can we fix it?". No one really tries to salvage a relationship anymore or keep it from getting to that point of needing rescue. I am not talking about the marriages or relationships that are truly fucked up from the beginning (example, girls meets boy, boy realizes girl has shitty life at home, bribes her with the romantic notion of running away together so he can have sex and blowjobs from her, and once she gets serious he gets tired of her and starts abusing her for being in a relationship he started or any other varying example). I am talking about when you find someone who gets you, not gets you like other people get you, but gets you in the sense that you know they understand because they have been there before. And they don't have to give you a life changing answer or feeling, it's just nice to know you are not being juged but rather listened to. And yes, even when this seemingly magical connection occurrs and a relationship begins, human nature offers up the common relationship pitfalls, boredom, restlessness, lust, etc for each person to overcome. It's only if we have gained a sense of true appreciation for how lonely it can be to have no one who understands or wants to understand you and a true appreciation of how our partner offers us that security, that you can muster the courage and strength to stay monogamous. It is a courageous thing too, I am not stating that lately. To say when you are 20, 25, 30, 40, etc, this is the rest of my life, this person is who I am going to be with, does take courage. It takes courage because there are so many uncertainties in taking on that committment, including the risk of infidelity by your spouse, but to make a decision to be true and mean it, does provide you with a sense of not just accomplishment, but peace. Now once boredom hits, that is the real test, and you need to reinvent yourselves and relationships many a times to keep it interesting and alive. It takes work to make it work. Really and truly honestly, it's mostly lazy and disenchanted people who choose to cut and run, and that has more to do with your environment growing up, relationships, and experiences throughout your life than with human nature to cheat.
    Mafioso
  • I come from a divorce filled family and I am gay, so this is not an opinion based on me thinking marriage is important, in fact I feel marriage is an uneccessary religious contract that just puts added pressure on relationships that already have to deal with a shit load of preconcieved notions on happiness and what it means to be happy. This opinion is based on being with someone who you love and you'd never want to hurt, no matter how big your dick gets at the sight of another human being. I love my boyfriend, and I have cheated on every other person I've been with and have come close to doing so with him, but I know I will never find someone who respects and loves me as he does and not even human nature can belittle the feelings I have when we're lying in bed at 6 A.M. and I can't stop looking at him as he sleeps.
    Mafioso
  • people are just incapable of being selfless these days. Ive been with one girl since I was 15 (I am now 27, she is 26), we're recently engaged and are just as deeply in love as we were 10 years ago, if not more. You have to be willing to put some one else before yourself. If you cant do that then you have no business using the L word, it's thrown around like it means nothing.
    pirho338
  • Amen "pirho338"!!
    KJMarie
  • i think that as society becomes less religious, the divorce rate goes up. i dont think its necessarily a bad thing either, i think that people feel more free without religion when it comes to divorce decisions. To me whats most important is that both people are HAPPY in life, divorced or married. thats why we're here!
    laprincesa81
  • This was a really interesting pod. I thought monogamy wasn't much of an issue...at least past the realms of high school and college teenage horny-ness. But I guess it's more widespread than I thought.

    My parents and everyone in my extended family that are married are still together. I guess that can be attributed to the Asian mentality of 'saving face' but I don't know. I've never been exposed to people who had fidelity issues past some high school and college friends and on TV.

    It's a little disheartening to know that monogamy is such a big concern. Not that I look down on people who do cheat--quite the contrary actually--because it's scary to be bound to just one person for your whole life. It's a lot of pressure and it's hard to deal with.
    Peewong

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