Sometimes, the n-word says it all

"Forgive me, for I have sinned. I have reveled in the joys of the n-word. This is my testimony, the confession of a "nigger" lover.

Oh, how will I ever get my point across without that word?

When the men in my life lie, cheat and act selfishly, the n-word has been my choice weapon of verbal emasculation. When family members derail an intellectual debate, saying "you're acting white," the n-word has helped me dig down to their level (Look n - - - - -, what I'm trying to tell you is . . .) to get the discourse back on track. When I see people who want -- and expect -- so much and do so little to get it, the n-word sweetly sums up my commentary. And when that little rusty-butt boy snatched my purse outside of Magic Johnson's Starbucks after church one Sunday, guess what category he went into?

I guess the Rev. Jesse Jackson and I have this in common. In a so-now-we-know moment this week, his full controversial off-mike comments on Fox News were leaked: "He's talking down to black people . . . telling n - - - - - - how to behave," said Jackson in the same tones he used in whispering about castrating Barack Obama.

Now hypocrite-watchers are pointing fingers at Jackson because this is the same guy who implored African Americans to avoid using the word. He called it a "hate" word. I can't argue with them, so I won't. The question is: Can I, should I, overcome my addiction to the n-word?

America has a complex relationship with that word. Dead presidents like Abraham Lincoln and Lyndon Johnson peppered their language with it daily to reinforce white hegemony, according to Jabari Asim's The N Word: Who Can Say It, Who Shouldn't and Why. It has been used as a sort of rhetorical glue to uphold institutional racism. Like most weapons, the word has been turned against its original users, and is now used by some African Americans as a term of endearment, chastisement, or like Jackson, an assumption of groupthink.

Conflicted, I've gone off the n-word in long stretches (along with meat, potato chips and candy bars) only to come back to it. I signed up for that a-word-a-day e-mail to boost my vocabulary. But sometimes I don't want to use nice language. Sometimes it's not enough to say, "I have a visceral antipathy to my boss' viewpoint on X." Given that I have a small voice, I don't want folks misunderstanding that I really mean, "That's damn crazy."

Like many taboo words, the n-word is used as a cultural signifier. It's like the word "trifling," which generally means "slight," "insignificant" or "small." In black circles it means "lazy," "shiftless" and "slovenly": "Tyrone will never keep a job because that 'n-word' is trifling." I come from a religious family of teetotalers who universally eschew profanity, but they embrace the n-word. It's usually lobbed against "trifling" neighbors who don't cut their grass.

I've also been in the Chris Rock school of n-wording. "Negroes," according to Rock, are responsible, moral and ethical citizens. "N-words" always come along and destroy what Negroes are trying to build, create or cultivate.

Cultural groups have the right to use whatever signifiers that make the ties that bind even tighter. Unlike Oprah, I do think people who overhear other people's dubious cultural signifiers should be smart enough to avoid using them. But if I use it and my niece, cousin or friend overhears it, thinks it's poetry and makes a hit song with it, what have I done?

So n-word, like many dysfunctional relationships I've weathered, you must pack up and leave my mouth. We did have a lot o ffun. Like a drunken uncle, you are a great punch line. But you are hurting people I care about, so you've got to go."