How Jason Statham Can Make Films Better according to Patton Oswalt
In lieu of Crank: High Voltage coming out this Friday, I was reminded of a rather wondrous bit of writing from Patton Oswalt about Jason Statham from a few months ago.
Patton figured out how to make any film instantly better: add Jason Statham.
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I look forward to any new film by Ang Lee, David Gordon Green, Paul Thomas Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Paul Greengrass or Ross McElwee.
And now, Jason Statham. I don't know how much say he has in the films he makes. But I get the impression that he reads the scripts. And if the script doesn't make him want to drive a bulldozer through a cake store, I'll bet he punches the script through a wall.
In fact, my entire stack of Academy screeners would have been vastly improved by the addition of Jason Statham. Here we go:
CHANGELING: Jason Statham plays the kidnapped boy, who immediately beats his kidnappers to death, then fights female assassins on top of a blimp.
CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON: Jason Statham injects the backward-aging man-freak with a Sino/Chilean rage compound, and they fight in lava pit.
DEFIANCE: Jason Statham throws Hitler into a woodchipper, eats the entrails as they fly out the other end, and then shits out Winston Churchill.
DOUBT: Jason Statham drop-kicks the Pope through the core of the Earth, and the Pope's head goes up Meryl Streep's ass and then Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" plays.
FROST/NIXON: Jason Statham pulls off David Frost's skin, drops him into a tank of sea salt, and then Statham and Nixon rent a limo and drive across country, shotgunning hippies.
GRAN TORINO: Jason Statham glowers at Clint Eastwood, who glowers back, creating a Glower Vortex which destroys the planet.
THE READER: Statham kills the teenage kid with a lawnmower, then fucks Kate Winslet literate.
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Jason Statham drives an 18-wheeler full of nitro into the title suburb, blows everything to shit, and then spends 90 minutes hunting down absolutely everyone involved with the making of this film, beating them to death with TV trays.
THE WRESTLER: Jason Statham, Richard Nixon, the 'roided-out Benjamin Button murder-freak, the Churchill feces-baby and Mickey Rourke drive cross country in a limo, with Leo DiCaprio's severed head on the hood, where they crash the Spirit Awards and kill everyone.
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So, what film could be made infinitely better by adding in some Jason Statham?
Patton figured out how to make any film instantly better: add Jason Statham.
--
I look forward to any new film by Ang Lee, David Gordon Green, Paul Thomas Anderson, The Coen Brothers, Paul Greengrass or Ross McElwee.
And now, Jason Statham. I don't know how much say he has in the films he makes. But I get the impression that he reads the scripts. And if the script doesn't make him want to drive a bulldozer through a cake store, I'll bet he punches the script through a wall.
In fact, my entire stack of Academy screeners would have been vastly improved by the addition of Jason Statham. Here we go:
CHANGELING: Jason Statham plays the kidnapped boy, who immediately beats his kidnappers to death, then fights female assassins on top of a blimp.
CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON: Jason Statham injects the backward-aging man-freak with a Sino/Chilean rage compound, and they fight in lava pit.
DEFIANCE: Jason Statham throws Hitler into a woodchipper, eats the entrails as they fly out the other end, and then shits out Winston Churchill.
DOUBT: Jason Statham drop-kicks the Pope through the core of the Earth, and the Pope's head goes up Meryl Streep's ass and then Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" plays.
FROST/NIXON: Jason Statham pulls off David Frost's skin, drops him into a tank of sea salt, and then Statham and Nixon rent a limo and drive across country, shotgunning hippies.
GRAN TORINO: Jason Statham glowers at Clint Eastwood, who glowers back, creating a Glower Vortex which destroys the planet.
THE READER: Statham kills the teenage kid with a lawnmower, then fucks Kate Winslet literate.
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Jason Statham drives an 18-wheeler full of nitro into the title suburb, blows everything to shit, and then spends 90 minutes hunting down absolutely everyone involved with the making of this film, beating them to death with TV trays.
THE WRESTLER: Jason Statham, Richard Nixon, the 'roided-out Benjamin Button murder-freak, the Churchill feces-baby and Mickey Rourke drive cross country in a limo, with Leo DiCaprio's severed head on the hood, where they crash the Spirit Awards and kill everyone.
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So, what film could be made infinitely better by adding in some Jason Statham?
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- jlichman
- added this
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And to prove he can act (and grow hair), we present to you our favorite scene from the otherwise unremarkable film London.
aka: the "I'M A F***ING IMPOTENT MAN" speech.
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Jason's getting up to Chuck Norris status I see.
The difference is I like Statham movies.
He a bad ass and that's the character he knows he's good at playing.
Not a big fan of his acting in London. I feel like I was back in acting for the stage classes in college.
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Jason Statham glowers at Clint Eastwood, who glowers back, creating a Glower Vortex which destroys the planet.
Love that one.
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- reactionforce
- 3 months ago
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