Heroin addicts pressure President to stay course in Afghanistan

// added November 21, 2009 // 29 comments //
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Vierotchka

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http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/heroin_addicts_pressure

As the White House considers sweeping strategic shifts in the war in Afghanistan, heroin addicts across the nation called on President Obama Monday to stick with the current U.S. policy, which has flooded the world market with low-price narcotics. "There's no need to change nothing, Joe Biden," said addict Reginald "Bones" Dillow, who, when conscious, is an outspoken proponent of the U.S. military strategy that has resulted in a nearly 40-fold increase in Afghan opium production since the end of Taliban rule in 2001. "Everything is so cheap—it's all totally fine like it is, right? Over there, I mean. Why would you want to…do the…[garbled]." Obama is reportedly looking into economic incentives that would both persuade poor Afghans to cease opium cultivation and benefit chemically dependent Americans, the most promising of which involves constructing facilities in the war-torn country for the manufacture of methadone.
  1. groups:
    News,   Comedy,   Afghanistan News
  2. tags:
    Humor,  Comedy,  Barack Obama,  War,  10 more

29 comments // Heroin addicts pressure President to stay course in Afghanistan

  • FishaHouse777
    • 0
      FishaHouse777  

    • Great story Vierotchka haha Personally though I believe the war is the reason why the afghans are growing poppies, and my belief is backed up by statistics. Before the war opium production in the area was practically little to none, and as soon as we invaded it skyrocketed. There has also been reports of the CIA funding and supporting poppy plantations.

    • 4 months ago
  • rosyjane
    • 0
      rosyjane  

    • "Hey!!! Wake Up!!!! Everything has a price nor even valuable prices!!! Why won't we try our luck to make a perfume out of that plant? Besides, those soldiers uses drugs in easing pain in time of war but does not affect their credibility even their mind."-Donabell C. De Apera

    • 4 months ago
  • EdJoyProductions
    • 0
      EdJoyProductions  

    • I love the Onion.

      If we legalized heroin just for people that were already addicted and the government sold it to the addicts for half the price that the addicts pay on the black market, we could probably pay off the national debt in a couple of months.

      Since the US government is supposed to exploring every option, there's one.

    • 4 months ago
  • TranceSendDance
    • 0
      TranceSendDance  

    • Ahh, Cebolla...

      It is said that onions and garlic keep vampires at bay.

      This satire punctures the rhetoric with truth.

      With all true comedy comes tragedy, ask the 1% of our population currently serving time.

      Ask the troops that are getting blown up by mines.

      Ask the child in the Hindu Kush mountains before some guy in Las Vegas destroys his life with a drone.

      Ask Obama, who has temporarily wrested the C.I.A. throne from the Bush and Clinton families.

    • 4 months ago
  • growdude420
    • 0
      growdude420  

    • As a former opiate addict, I can say that almost all of the Afghan heroin is shipped to europe and asia. Heroin in the US comes from central and south america, oprimarily Mexico and Columbia. The myth of Afghan heroin in the US is simply NOT TRUE.
      Remember, propaganda is the most effective weapon in war

    • 4 months ago
  • Vierotchka
  • sunray213
    • 0
      sunray213  

    • As amusing as this is, I am a little disappointed to see it in the news section on current. Looking at the link, it comes from The Onion, which is of course not real news. Funny... but not news.

    • 4 months ago
  • ras_menelik
  • BustYourFace
  • ras_menelik
    • 0
      ras_menelik  

    • The Taliban banned poppy "sales" bush's or Clinton's FDA made OXY to fight the buggy man over there

      just like MARENOL is fighting the boggy man over here

      now everyone after me DOWN WITH the BOGGY-MAN

      ...............Taliban stops the ban on Heroin NOW! it cost's less than a six pack in anywhere USA and 1/100 the cost of "street" OXY any CPA's in the house do the math..............

    • 4 months ago
  • treewolf39
  • Guyatthebusstation
  • lordsbassman
  • cccocanicola
  • grassroutes
  • HellastOne
  • twohawks
  • dragon1984
  • HellastOne
    • 0
      HellastOne  

    • if God were alive today... Hed turn over in his Grave, n Go right back to Sleep...
      Well its not Like anyOne could Ever Change anything Without the People around
      the Changed willing to Conform and Agree with the Changes being made, Otherwise...
      for Some Reason God only knows, we Tend to Start killing Everyone and everything
      for the Greater good... of Who?.. Come on People People People... Were all made of the Same S... Wake up, Breath, Embrace the Life we are so Fortunate to to be able and Experience until the day We Experience the other Side of Lifes Coin... (Naturally) let the Killing End the Helping truly Helping Begin because in this life oR the Next there is i Can GUARANTEE there is No Need for Hate... oR Money... oR W/e it is that makes us Lose sight of all the Things we as a "People" Truly look for... then One day, its Simply too late... it Could Simply be that as an Entire Race, Humanity... has Simply lost its way... "God Bless America?.." ...no... "God Bless us All..." if theres still Time

    • 4 months ago
  • CalgarC
  • bailey78
  • bailey78
    • 0
      bailey78  

    • By the way we need to pull our troops out of Afghanistan. I'm not sure why we are there unless it has to do with the pipeline that they want to put in to move the Oil that they are now having to haul by trucks.

    • 4 months ago
  • bailey78
    • 0
      bailey78  

    • Thats it give them methadone. A drug that is even harder to quit that heroin and kills the liver with a quickness. I have seen many people die over the years of heroin overdose. Some were my friends some were family. This is a war that can not be won by any body. When they stop the drugs they will drive up the price and drive down the qualty. crime rates will rise and people will suffer. Besides you can not make someone quit if they don't want to. One must look at the whole picture not just the pretty parts.

    • 4 months ago
  • growdude420
    • 0
      growdude420  
    • bailey78:

      You are mis-informed about methadone's effects on the body. The damage done to the liver often suffered by addicts is due to their infection with Hepatitis. Methadone is a miracle when used properly, and it saves far more lives than it takes away. Try educating yourself properly befor commenting next time

    • 4 months ago
  • bailey78
    • 0
      bailey78  
    • bailey78:

      So you must be strung out on methadone. Because I know what it does to the body I have lost friends and family to it. methadone does cause liver damage and is far worst when you quit taking it that heroin. I have been to rehab a couple of times and have read all about the side effects of methadone. So you go right ahead and take all you want.

    • 4 months ago
  • pjacobs51
  • Progresshiv
  • kennymotown
  • Guyatthebusstation
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