UHTMILK

UHTMILK
Style: Sketch Comedy

Try to make exceptions for me...

I was abandoned at a very young age but I was rescued by the Royal Society for the Protection of Fledglings. My caring adoptive sparrowhawk family hand reared me until I could no longer savour mice, wagtails or voles.

I was then transferred to the 'Corporation' - as a 'volunteer', I would regularly have wires hanging out of my nostrils, and was constantly told it was... more…

UHTMILK
Style: Sketch Comedy

Try to make exceptions for me...

I was abandoned at a very young age but I was rescued by the Royal Society for the Protection of Fledglings. My caring adoptive sparrowhawk family hand reared me until I could no longer savour mice, wagtails or voles.

I was then transferred to the 'Corporation' - as a 'volunteer', I would regularly have wires hanging out of my nostrils, and was constantly told it was for the 'Good of mankind'.

In December 2006, being a fully formed adult male, I planned my escape to civilisation. Bob the mucus cleaner left his Citroen 2CV keys near to my cage. I picked the lock with my cunning beak, only to confront Headley the Security!

Headley could not resist my Eric Morcambe charm, and was last heard to be wetting himself in the Toxicology corridor.

I declare that I will resist all attempts to confine me into a small space, physically or mentally.

(dislikes):

long tubular, fleshy, rubbery bits - like those in a Greggs pie.

dogs who eat their owners

chewing the skin that forms on milky coffee, because your trying to hide it when with someone you're trying to impress

people who smile at you because they're in "Sales"

important people who tell you to get off the bouncy castle because of your 'age'

dog owners who say nothing when little Ritchie is doing his thing on your trousers

battery life, paper cuts, ebay fees. collapse »