Dancing In Anger

Self-help books can get a pretty bad rap. Even Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of the classic female life manual The Dance of Anger, bristles at "feverishly inspirational books that make large and silly promises." Which may be why she writes them so well.

The Dance of Anger analyzes the impact and importance of anger in intimate relationships, identifying common patterns while productively redirecting anger's path. Lerner states: "Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention." Where we often go awry is in its expression. And wow do we.

Many women (Lerner's book is specifically directed toward women, though is insightful for any reader) tend toward two distinct patterns: a) suppressing anger in the interest of propriety until it bubbles forth at a truly inappropriate time, ultimately diminishing our credibility despite our anger's rational origin, or b) expressing ourselves immediately, but in heated terms that can yield wildly unproductive labels like "crazy" and "bitch."

Good times, right? And that's just the angry iceberg tip. Lerner also delves into the balance of "I" versus "We" in relationships, and the dance between over-functioning and under-functioning partners. Generally, the more emotional responsibility one person carries, the less is required of their partner, and so goes the imbalance cycle.

So, excellent! Patterns exposed, true source of anger explored; Lerner's work is done, right? Well, if this were the brand of self-help book she derides, perhaps. But changing the pattern of our intimate relationships is more difficult and complicated than can generally be summarized, let alone accomplished, in ten easy steps.

What begins as an exploration of common patterns quickly expands to anticipate the effects of our changes on others. Resistance to change is a basic human truth, and when one person chooses to step boldly into personal growth, adjustment, and exploration, it generally follows that the surrounding people scream "Change Back!" as quickly and loudly as possible. By forcing change too soon, and creating a jarring, deeply uncomfortable dynamic, you may be first in line, begging yourself to return to pre-established patterns. Fortunately, Lerner is a step ahead of you, preaching patience and self-love as she guides us through our anger's evolution, identifying the possible responses among loved ones, and arming us with an informed perseverance.

So, is her process easy? Well, no. But sincere pattern-changing requires an exploration of perhaps decades-long emotional habits. Lerner isn't offering the psychological equivalent of a rapid weight loss diet so you can fit into that great new dress next week. She's teaching skills and awareness for lasting change. I'll dance to that.

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