KEITH OLBERMANN: Today is Valentine’s Day, a day when people from all walks of life, all political persuasions, come together to celebrate love and romance. Or Amanda Lay.
In our number-one story — the Republican presidential possibilities are so romantic, among the three of them they’ve had five wives.
Casanova himself, Newt Gingrich, fundraising in California this week. If you wanted to celebrate Valentine’s Day with him you’d have to pay for a $500 donation. Supporters were able to attend a breakfast this morning in a country club outside San Diego. For an extra thousand dollars, Gingrich would even pose with you for a photograph. This evening, he held a cocktail party in Fresno, where the $2,500 ticket price included champagne and, yes, another photo op.
But it seems Gingrich also has some private Valentine’s Day plans in store with his third and current wife, Callista:
(Excerpt from video clip) GINGRICH: All I can promise you is that I believe she will be quite happy. I think, for the first time in a while, we’ll have a private dinner and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit. No more details!
OLBERMANN: Oh, thank God, the first thing I’ve ever agreed with him about. Doesn’t want to give too much away. And if there’s one thing you can say about Gingrich, he is good at hiding details from his wives.
But he’s no longer keeping his wife as hidden away as he once did. Callista Gingrich’s presence on the campaign trail has been on the rise, including introducing him at last week’s CPAC Conference in Washington. Hair never moves.
Can’t be exactly sure what sort of romance any of the GOP candidates have planned for tonight, thank God. One thing is for sure, it is not likely to involve pornography. Santorum, Romney and Gingrich all recently pledged to vigorously prosecute obscene pornography if elected. I’m guessing, especially if Santorum is mentioned.
Let’s bring in Village Voice columnist Michael Musto, the author of “Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back.” Good evening, Michael.
MICHAEL MUSTO: Hello, Keith.
OLBERMANN: Let’s start with pornography. The pledge is to get rid of “hardcore, obscene pornography on the Internet.” So, they’re proposing getting rid of the Internet, are they?
MUSTO: They should, because that’s the only thing people use it for, excerpt for Angry Birds. And, to me, that is vaguely pornographic too. All that rage is so sexy. Yeah, let’s get rid of the whole Internet, because the thought of being left with tasteful, softcore porn is horrible. You’ll turn on your computer and there will be a Sharon Stone retrospective and pictures of Michelangelo’s David. I don’t have the imagination for that.
OLBERMANN: Just drop the Sharon Stone reference for a second, I think —
MUSTO: By the way, Callista needs Amanda Lay.
OLBERMANN: The pledge also targets the pornography that is available in hotels and motels. Which, again, would suggest a serious attack on the motel and hotel industry, would it not?
MUSTO: And on themselves. This is so self-defeating. Republicans are going to have to shack up with their mistress in the Comfort Inn and there will be no porn to turn them on. They’ll have to rely on the whole wrongness of the situation thing to get aroused by. And that wears thin after the 72nd time. They can always, like, steal the Bible and read about Sodom and Gomorrah, but let’s face it, they know all of that by heart. They’ve acted it out in community theater.
This is crazy. A hotel without porn is like a prostitute with crabs. You can still stay there, but what’s the point?
OLBERMANN: The other thing that somebody told me, and I don’t have the data on this, but supposedly, the Bible Belt is the leading geographical area for the purchase of pornography in this country. It’s not Southern California. It’s not New York. It’s not your house. It’s not my house. It’s the Bible Belt. Does this tell you something about what these Republican candidates are trying to do?
MUSTO: Hypocrisy, anybody? Most people with a Bible Belt tend to unhook it and drop their drawers and go for Amanda Lay.
OLBERMANN: About some of the individuals as we think about them in a Valentine’s Day context — Callista Gingrich, new presence on the campaign trail, is it a positive thing for her husband? Does it not remind voters that she’s, you know, younger than him and plus, she reminds me — she reminds me always of the old line about baseball managers, that the day they’re hired, they’re hired to be fired.
MUSTO: Anything but Newt is a positive on the campaign trail. In fact, I hear they’re going to turn it into a musical extravaganza and bring in Amy Winehouse tributes, he’s going wheel in the Beach Boys to sing “Good Vibrations,” maybe even his last wife could do a duet with Tony Bennett.
Look, Callista is a really good guest star in this musical review. Yes, she has a number three sign around her neck, along with a cow bell. Yes, she’s wearing a T-shirt that says “I’m his current wife,” but she’s better than Newt. And bring in Glen Campbell and Nikki Manaj — the whole gang.
OLBERMANN: All right. So, on Valentine’s Day, do you think that he — Mr. Gingrich — would have the chutzpah bring up the open-marriage idea that he floated past number one?
MUSTO: I actually think when he does call you and say, “Let’s have a private Valentine’s Day dinner,” it’s to bring up the open-marriage thing. I mean, a Newt wife gets a call saying,’Let’s have dinner,” and she runs for her attorney.
But Newt is actually meant for Valentine’s Day. Much more than Election Day, let’s face it. I mean, he knows from hearts. I think he left his first wife after surgery, didn’t he? He knows from chocolates. In fact, I wish Marlene Dietrich was still around to tell him what she told Orson Welles, “Lay off the candy bars.”
OLBERMANN: Lastly — and I may be taking my life in my hands with this question — but we’ll travel back in time to the Michele Bachmann candidacy. What do you think Michelle and the husband are doing for Valentine’s Day?
MUSTO: I hear they’ve had a lovely evening so far. They started at a Thai noodle restaurant — Marcus adores noodles — then they went to a Village People concert and an Ikea store, and they’ll end up at a piano bar. They’re going to sing the score from Wicked. Typical heterosexual stuff. Boring, but really sweet. And the Cains are going to join them, but they’re going to get a receipt for their taxes.
OLBERMANN: All right, good. We got away with it. Village Voice columnist Michael Musto.
MUSTO: Amanda Lay, where are you? I need you.
OLBERMANN: Thank you very, very much. Thanks, Michael.
MUSTO: Any man to lay.
OLBERMANN: We have a new hero.
