SAM SEDER: We've all heard a lot about the speeches taking place this week at the Conservative Political Action Conference, but it turns out not everyone at CPAC is there for the politics. Some are there for love.
In our number-one story — it's common knowledge among college Republicans that CPAC is rife with elephant tail. And one of the highlights of this year's CPAC schedule is a conservative dating seminar, where young conservatives can get expert advice on how to bag their very own Barry Goldwater or Condoleezza Rice. While some attend CPAC to hear their own conservative views shouted back at them, or to take part in some good, old-fashioned Obama-bashing, others are apparently there searching for Mister Right. Or Mister Right Wing.
According to the CPAC schedule, today at one, convention-goers had the opportunity to attend a conservative dating seminar, and learn everything from how to avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart to whether a tea partier has a shot at compatibility with an Occupier. The event was open to all conservative singles. That's singles. Sorry, Newt.
The seminar is being run by professional dating coach Wayne Elise. Elise, seen here holding both an iPhone and a pair of scissors, is a pick-up artist, performer, and author of a chapter in The New York Times best-selling book "The Game," about the secret society of pick-up artists. And who better to take relationship advice from than the guy who once wrote on his blog, a couple months ago, "It's my belief that humans are not intended, by nature, to be with the same person for any length of time."
Talking Points Memo's Benjy Sarlin was at the event, tweeting his highlights, including, "Young participant at CPAC dating panel describes perfect girl as 5' 7", good hair, nice skin, works for Fox News."
Joining me now, "Countdown" contributor and comedienne, Maysoon Zayid. Welcome, Maysoon.
MAYSOON ZAYID: I have to be honest, I'm happy to be here, but I kind of feel like I'm cheating on Keith.
SEDER: Oh, well, then it's appropriate it's a dating segment. Not as all. He has given us permission now. And we have chaperons here.
ZAYID: Oh, that's how it works with conservatives.
SEDER: They're playing chaperons here.
ZAYID: You just need permission and you can have as many as you want? Kind of like Saudi —
SEDER: First off — okay, so are Washington bars going to be full of young conservatives tonight trying out their new tricks? What do you think?
ZAYID: I think the conservatives are known for liking tricks, and people who turn tricks, and I think that they probably do have some good advice. This man is known as The Juggler. Wayne Elise's nickname is The Juggler, so he can teach them things like how to juggle wives, or, like, if they want to be inspired by Mitt Romney — how to juggle positions.
SEDER: There you go. Now, to be fair, there are some attractive conservatives. Now, do you think young conservatives have posters on the wall of, like, Megan Fox or John Boehner instead of, like, Johnny Depp?
ZAYID: Well, I know they don't have posters of Michele Bachmann staring down at them, 'cause that's not going to do anything for their love lives. But, I'm thinking, maybe Ann Coulter? But instead of actually having Ann Coulter's picture up they use a picture of Madame, the puppet, so that they are less inspired to sin and we don't need Santorum getting involved at any point.
SEDER: Oh, gosh. Oh, there it is. Okay. All right, let me ask you this — you've got conservatives who are trying to pair off with other conservatives. Is this, essentially, trying to keep a dying breed alive?
ZAYID: They really have no choice, it's almost end game. They need to pair off, they need to get married. They need to get married now, because — if they don't — President Obama will force them into same-sex marriages with lemurs. So, this is like — this is not a joke. If he's re-elected and they're not married by then, it's same-sex marriage.
SEDER: Yeah, I think that actually happened during the French Revolution. I'm not sure. I've got to double-check that with Rick Santorum.
All right. Well — so, I would think a good tip for dating a conservative is basically to speak slowly, only use small words, make sure you mention Reagan on the first date, of course. What are some good ones that you've heard?
ZAYID: A couple of the pick-up lines I heard were, "Do you have MS or cancer," "I'm one of Mitt Romney's sons, he just doesn't know it," "Want to see me rock my Santorum sweater vest without a shirt underneath?"
SEDER: Ew, that's a little bit disturbing. All right. So, now, one of the tips from the seminar was to that, in order to make your date comfortable, you should talk about your weaknesses. So, I guess, you know, conservatives will be talking about their tax plans.
ZAYID: They could talk about their tax plans, they could talk about their foreign policy, how they're going to fix the economy. You know, if they want to talk about a weakness, they could talk about their position on Medicare — no, wait, that's murder, not weakness.
SEDER: All right. This one, really, I find stunning. Another tip was, "Don't ask questions on a date. Make statements only." Now, this seems sort typical of conservatives, not to ask any questions like, "Are you worried about global warming?" Shh, don't mention it. "Do you think there's weapons of mass destruction?" Shh, don't say anything. How is it that they don't ask questions on a date?
ZAYID: Even in situations where questions are supposed to be asked, like a debate, Newt Gingrich immediately goes angry muffin and starts yelling at people that he doesn't take questions. So, he sets the standard.
And I want to see a conversation where people don't ask any questions. How do you have that conversation? How do you just say a bunch of statements? It's like, "Fozzy is my favorite Muppet. Nancy J. Brinker ate your baby." Like, what? How do you have a conversation with no questions?
SEDER: All right. So, I have got to ask you — we don't have much time — but another tip was to bring up sex early, but not necessarily on the first date, because otherwise you're stuck in the "friend zone." Does Wayne Elise know what he's really talking about here?
ZAYID: Yeah, he does because he's been watching "Bachelor" Ben, and "Bachelor" Ben only goes for the skanks. You know you're not getting married if you don't put out. But he did tell them, "Don't talk about birth control," and I think that's more important.
SEDER: Yes, so I guess you just hold off on the birth control.
ZAYID: You hold off. The pick-up line is definitely "Forget about the pills, leave it to God."
SEDER: Well, thank you, Maysoon Zayid.
