DAVID SHUSTER: The most frustrating aspect of covering politics is watching progressive use facts and data to prove a point, only to have conservatives rebut that with yelling and fear.
In our number-one story — science today has confirmed what many of us have long suspected. Conservatives are stupid. But there is a silver lining for our conservative friends out there, for it seems that what they lack between the ears they make up between the sheets.
In a recent study published in Psychological Science, researchers administered IQ tests to children in the 1960s and '70s. Researchers then periodically checked in on the subjects as they aged into adulthood. The results showed that those who had lower IQs as children where more likely to develop prejudiced beliefs and be socially conservative. Shocking. The party that doesn't believe in science has a lower IQ than those who do.
But it's not all bad news for conservatives. While they may be lacking in intelligence, they are leading the way in, shall we say, caucusing?
According to a survey of 5,000 people conducted by Match.com, those who classified themselves as single conservatives are more likely to achieve orgasm during sex than any political party. Single, liberal Democrats came in as the least likely.
Conservative Republicans also clocked in as most sexually satisfied among married individuals.
But with conservatives' well-known tendency to lie and exaggerate about, well, everything, those numbers may not be 100 percent accurate.
With a story like this, we have to bring in the one and only Michael Musto, Village Voice columnist and author of "Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back." Michael, thanks for your time tonight.
MICHAEL MUSTO: Hi, David.
SHUSTER: We will get to the sexual satisfaction question in a moment, but should we be surprised that conservatives have a lower IQ than progressives?
MUSTO: No, I'm not surprised. I mean, these are the people that have to get naked to count to 21. They trip over cordless phones. They steal free samples. They think that "Glee" is promoting a gay agenda. Actually, there they have a point.
SHUSTER: Does this explain why conservatives don't believe in science in general? It just goes over their head.
MUSTO: Yeah, it's way too hard. I mean, to them, Chemistry is what happens between a married politician and some jail bait. I don't know — a Biology exam to them is like, "Oh, quick, let me check out your hoo-ha before my wife comes home." They don't get science at all. And let's not even get into physics.
SHUSTER: Turning to the sexual satisfaction survey. Fifty-three percent of conservative Republicans achieved orgasm during sex, versus 40 percent for Democrats. What are conservatives doing that Democrats are not doing?
MUSTO: They're cheating. The idea of having sex with a side dish and breaking all the rules of the Bible is so delicious to these conservatives. I mean, sinning is a giant aphrodisiac. And the idea of maybe getting caught and ruining your career is hotter than Spanish Fly. They do it all day long, it's very stimulating.
SHUSTER: Conservatives also reported having the least amount of sex in the last year. So, in other words, great quality, but not-so-amazing quantity.
MUSTO: No, no, no, we're going back to the IQ thing here. They actually have tons of sex, but they're bad at math. They can't count all the orgasms, they're so busy having them. And also, popping Viagra and ordering pizza from Herman Cain and he's having the orgasm. Yuck, bring in the air freshener.
SHUSTER: Republicans also, apparently, look for partners a bit differently. Democrats, apparently, look for a partner with a sense of humor and someone whom they consider an equal, whereas Republicans look for someone with the same background and same political party. Is that the key to their sexual satisfaction, to find someone exactly like themselves?
MUSTO: Yeah, they're like gay men — they look for mirror images of themselves. And they're basically shtupping themselves. And that's what brings about the quick, narcissistic release. And they're too stupid, obviously, to know about the ultimate onanistic experience, which is masturbation. Or, maybe they're just afraid that's sex between a man and a man. So dumb.
SHUSTER: Surprisingly, in this study, infidelity by a partner was deemed more acceptable than infidelity by a political candidate. Does that explain Newt Gingrich's drop in popularity?
MUSTO: Yeah, because when a politician cheats, you feel like they're cheating on you.
And frankly, I have an admission here. I was in love with Newt Gingrich and with his views that pagans bring down the fundamentals of our society. But then he betrayed me, and betrayed me, and betrayed me and frankly, with all those orgasms, I can't see him in the White House, except maybe as an intern.
SHUSTER: How would this current crop of Republican presidential candidates fare in this survey?
MUSTO: They're doing very well. I mean, when Romney heard that Trump might back Gingrich, he orgasmed. Then Gingrich heard — oh, no, no, Trump is backing Romney, he double orgasmed. And Gingrich is so dumb he called Callista and he's like "I just orgasmed, can we have an open marriage?"
SHUSTER: Obviously, not all conservatives aren't stupid, maybe just the majority of them. So let me pose a hypothetical question to you. A dumb conservative, a racist conservative and a smart conservative all walk into a bar. Who climaxes first?
MUSTO: That is so easy — Ashton Kutcher. But you know what? A smart conservative would never be in a trashy bar like that. This is all moot.
SHUSTER: What did you make of David Vitter weighing in — and he got some questioning this week on another channel about — about his use of prostitutes, and seemed somewhat defensive that somebody would actually ask him about his sexual past. As he's weighing in.
MUSTO: I don't watch other channels. But for somebody to admit that they use prostitutes, I — actually, if I saw that, I would have switched over to the Weather Channel to see if hell froze over because nobody ever admits that kind of thing.
SHUSTER: And as far as the IQ test, again. I mean, this idea that — okay, people with lower IQs develop into sort having — I don't know, maybe this sort of pathology of being more sort of racist and judgmental, and not as open to the idea of judging facts.
MUSTO: They're dumb. They're narrow-minded. They think an innuendo is an Italian suppository. These people are so stuck in the past, and with keeping the status quo with their biblical mumbo jumbo. "A marriage is between a man and a woman." I mean, why? Cooking used to be on, like, a rock in a cave, but now we have the Foreman Grill. Move forward, people.
SHUSTER: And what will it take for them to move forward? Does it take — I don't know, breeding an entire generation of smarter kids with higher IQs? Is that what it will take?
MUSTO: Yeah, but they inbreed and they create people with eyes that are too close together and ears on the back of their head.
It's never going to happen. Each generation is dumber and dumber and uses more and more prostitutes and their credit cards bounce. I don't know where this world is spiraling.
SHUSTER: Thank you, Michael Musto. Michael, thanks as always. We appreciate it.
