Sexting - it's not just for sassy teens

Here's a practical guide to sexting aimed at men over 30. Blogger Gladstone demonstrates how his "sexting technique" (trademarked) can be applied to every aspect of life. From job interviews to ordering food at McDonalds and going to confession, sexting has a place in the everyday.

Here's the job interview segment --

In today’s economy, job applicants need every advantage they can get to secure a job. That means learning everything you can about your interviewer: his experiences with the company, his accomplishments and, of course, his cell phone number. An applicant serious about securing a job through my Sexting Technique™ will do whatever necessary–including going through the interviewer’s old discarded billing statements–to get this vital information. Only then can you have experiences such as these:

INTERVIEWER
So I see you’ve freelanced at Cracked.com for almost three years. Tell me, what part of that qualifies you to work here at Union Carbide?

GLADSTONE
Well, hmm… I wrote an article about Jessica Simpson being fat that got a lot of Diggs.

INTERVIEWER
Yeah, that’s not really what we’re looking for in an industrial chemist. I’m sorry, I just-

*Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates*

INTERVIEWER
Excuse me, I’m expecting a call from the EPA. Hello? Oh, it’s not a phone call. It’s just a text. That’s odd.

GLADSTONE
What is?

INTERVIEWER
Oh nothing. Just a weird emoticon type thing from some unknown caller.

GLADSTONE
Is it breasts?

INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?

GLADSTONE
The text. Is it breasts? I bet it’s breasts, isn’t it?

*Interviewer looks at cell phone.*

INTERVIEWER
Well, it’s an open paren, period, closed paren, and then the series of symbols is repeated again. Oh hey! I guess that does look like breasts. Neat… But how did you know that?

GLADSTONE
Perhaps, I could answer you best in this way….

*Gladstone pushes a few buttons on his cell phone. Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates.*

INTERVIEWER
Why did you just forward me a picture of a dude in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….

GLADSTONE
(coyly)
I don’t know. Is it me? It could be….

INTERVIEWER
You realize I’m not gay, right? And even if I were, what you’re doing is wildly inappropriate.

GLADSTONE
Sir, I assure you. I’m not gay either. But that’s how serious I am about working here at Union Carbide.

INTERVIEWER
So serious that you’d pretend to be gay to straight man in a way that is unacceptable regardless of sexual orientation?

GLADSTONE
That’s one way to say it. Here’s another.

*Gladstone sexts furiously on his cell. Interviewer’s phone vibrates again.*

INTERVIEWER
(reading)
U R Hawt? What does that even mean?

GLADSTONE
It’s text-speak or sext-speak. All the kids are doing it, old timer! So do I get the job?

INTERVIEWER
Mr. Gladstone, I want you to listen closely. I’m going to do two things: First I’m going to drop my phone into the vat of hydrochloric acid we keep in Sector C. And then, I’m going to call security.

GLADSTONE
Security? I would think my job orientation would start with Human Resources?

INTERVIEWER
I didn’t offer you the job.

GLADSTONE
OK. Not yet. But call me. I know you have the number. . .

*Gladstone texts. Interviewer’s phone buzzes.*

INTERVIEWER
(reading text)
A semi colon followed by a closed parenthetical? You’re standing right there. Why didn’t you just wink at me for real?!

GLADSTONE
Would you like me to wink at you, sir? Is that what you’re saying? Sssh. Don’t answer. I’ll go. I’ll wait for your offer… by text message.