Many of you have heard me say that I go to bed at “Stupid O’Clock” and get up at “Insane O’Clock.” That’s what being the host of a morning show requires. Here’s what you don’t know about the effects of my “lifestyle choice”:
- I have never seen the moon.
- I’ve also heard that a man named Leno hosts a television program every night. Someone told me that his first name is Conan, but I wouldn’t know because I’ve never seen it.
- My cocktail hour begins at 4 p.m. In Newfoundland, that’s after dark. I take great comfort in knowing that.
- I have never been stuck in traffic. On the other hand, the waitresses at all-night truck stops all call me by my CB handle, “Big Mama.”
- My dogs howl at the sun.
- There really are vampires. (By the way, most of them work for Bain Capital.)
- I view invitations to events that begin after 7 p.m. as just plain rude.
- This Sunday’s solar eclipse is being held in my honor.
- Insomnia is nature’s way of saying “You can sleep when you’re dead.” (Or maybe that’s Nike. I don’t know, I’m sleeply. Leave me alone.)
- Everything I know, I learn from Bill Press on the way to work.
- “Midnight at the Oasis” is a song about me waking up to get a glass of water.
- Van Jones is worth losing sleep over.
