Mittens met with his cracked (not a typo) team of advisers this weekend to discuss the selection of his vice presidential running mate. Between Eric “Etch-A-Sketch” Fehrnstrom and Rick “Kiss My Ass” Gorka, Romney has surrounded himself with some of the most brilliant minds in American political history.
“Talking Liberally” has obtained an unedited transcript of the meeting from a highly placed anonymous source. (Thanks, Harry Reid!)
Mittens: So who have we got left?
Etch-A-Sketch: Well, Governor, we’ve narrowed it down to two lists …
Kiss-My-Ass: … those who hate you and those who just can’t stand you but are willing to put that aside out of pure ambition.
Mittens: (incredulous) People hate me?
Etch-A-Sketch: Well, Governor, “hate” might be too strong a word …
Kiss-My-Ass: “Loathe” is probably better. “Despise” also works.
Mittens: (sternly) Who are they? I want their names!
Etch-A-Sketch: Governor, we only have 20 minutes for this meeting. It’s a very long list. Let’s just say it’s almost every Republican you’ve ever run against for president, all the Republican governors, particularly the ones who were in office when you were, all the Senate and House Republicans, except Ben Quayle who wishes you were his dad …
Mittens: (musing) Nice boy. Maybe we should adopt him. Send Ann a memo.
Etch-A-Sketch: The good news, Governor, is that the group that can’t stand you but might still agree to run with you has some pretty strong names on it.
Mittens: Like who?
Etch-A-Sketch: (brightly) Three exciting choices, Governor! Not bland, predictable names like Portman or Pawlenty. Real game changers.
Mittens: You mean Chris Christie?
Kiss-My-Ass: (gloomily) We can’t get him insurance. Every carrier we’ve approached says the campaign would kill him.
Mittens: You need insurance to run for vice president?
Kiss-My-Ass: You do if you’re Chris Christie.
Mittens: Come on, let’s get this over with. What are the three names?
Etch-A-Sketch: Let me give them to you in reverse order. The third, or “bronze,” candidate is Donald Trump. He’s HUGELY popular with your core constituency.
Kiss-My-Ass: No, millionaires.
Etch-A-Sketch: And he takes the Bain issue right off the table. He’s fired far more people than you ever did.
Mittens: (skeptically) I don’t know. He’s a nice guy and all, but that idea about selling naming rights to the White House seems a little bit showy to me. Who’s in second?
Kiss-My-Ass: We really think you’ll like this one, Governor. Todd Palin.
Mittens: Todd Palin?
Etch-A-Sketch: Just think about it. You’d get those crazy Palin voters totally fired up and all she gets to do is stand on the sidelines and wave. She’ll never open her mouth. It’s the best of both worlds.
Mittens: I don’t know — wasn’t he for Alaska seceding from the United States?
Etch-A-Sketch: Exactly! We can even use that as part of your platform. Privatizing the states. We bought Alaska once. Why shouldn’t we be able to sell it back? Not to the Russkies, of course. But I think Exxon Mobil would buy it in a heartbeat. Then who’s going to tell them they can’t drill on their own land?
Mittens: (wearily) So who’s your first choice?
(Silence for 30 seconds)
Mittens: You’re both grinning like Seamus at the start of a road trip. Who is it?
Etch-A-Sketch and Kiss-My-Ass: (in unison) Dick Cheney!
Mittens: Don’t be ridiculous. He can’t run again. He’s already served two terms. And he’s got a new—
Etch-A-Sketch: Heart. Exactly.
Mittens: You mean …?
Etch-A-Sketch: Technically he’s no longer the same guy who served for eight years. That makes him constitutionally eligible. We ran it by Scalia, and he says we’ve got five votes any time we need them. And he was ecstatic.
Mittens: Call Dick. Tell him he’s won the gold. Hey, I’m sorry, fellas. I’ve really got to run. Rafalca is dancing right now.
(Photo: Getty Images)