Charlotte Bacon, Feb. 22, 2006
Daniel Barden, Sept. 25, 2005
Olivia Engel, July 18, 2006
Josephine Gay, Dec. 11, 2005
Ana M. Marquez-Greene, April 4, 2006
Dylan Hockley, March 8, 2006
Madeleine F. Hsu, July 10, 2006
Catherine V. Hubbard, June 8, 2006
Chase Kowalski, Oct. 31, 2005
Jesse Lewis, June 30, 2006
James Mattioli, March 22, 2006
Grace McDonnell, Nov. 4, 2005
Emilie Parker, May 12, 2006
Jack Pinto, May 6, 2006
Noah Pozner, Nov. 20, 2006
Caroline Previdi, Sept. 7, 2006
Jessica Rekos, May 10, 2006
Avielle Richman, Oct. 17, 2006
Benjamin Wheeler, Sept. 12, 2006
Rachel Davino, July 17, 1983
Dawn Hochsprung, June 28, 1965
Anne Marie Murphy, July 25, 1960
Lauren Rousseau, June 1982
Mary Sherlach, Feb. 11, 1956
Victoria Soto, Nov. 4, 1985

(Photo: Getty Images)

Our old friends the Koch brothers, who are together worth $62 billion, have enlisted yet another Republican governor as their ally in the fight to destroy unions and the middle class. In Michigan, they have the help of Richard “Dick” Snyder (who is himself worth $200 million) and the founder of Amway, Richard “Dick” De Vos, who is a piker compared with the Kochs — he’s worth only $3.6 billion. The two Dicks have rammed right-to-work (for less) through the Michigan House.

Mama did a little math on the back of her Chardonnay-soaked napkin and came up with the following numbers:

• Michigan teachers make $63,940 per year.
• Michigan firefighters make $49,000 per year.
• Michigan peace officers make $39,000 per year.
• Michigan janitors (despite all the right-wing talking points about their extravagant pay-packages) make a whopping $26,000 per year.

By contrast, Michigan legislators are the second-highest paid in the nation. They make $71,650 annually, second only to California. Meanwhile, back to our old friend Dick DeVos, Amway independent business owners make, on average, $202 per month. Plainly, Mama is in the wrong business.

Here’s the bottom line: Bill Clinton was right. He said it was all about the arithmetic. And Republicans don’t care about anything other than running a number on you.

(Photo: Getty Images)

The REAL Supremes — John Roberts and his eight fellow constitutional crooners will decide next June if there is still a mountain that’s too high for marriage equality to scale. In announcing last week that because of the efforts of my two personal heroes, Michele and Rob Reiner (the key organizers), they would rule on the Proposition 8 case, which affects marriage equality in California, the Supremes have jumped into the middle of the biggest civil rights issue in the country.

Mama is cautiously optimistic, but that’s because she has Michele and Rob Reiner on speed dial. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

Rob was on the show and told me not to fret. (That’s really good advice by the way — fretting gives you crow’s-feet.) He thinks the dream team of Ted Olson and David Boies will win the day when they argue the case in late March.

Since, as you know, everything is all about me, I’m already planning my June wedding. I bought the champagne (OK, I already had it), I will buy my dress at JCPenney because Ellen is its spokeswoman, and Max and Fred will be the ring bearers (unless they eat the rings, in which case we may have a slight delay in the ceremony waiting for them to come out the other end).

There’s only one problem — Mama needs a bride. The fact that I just wrote that last sentence is confirmation that I am a bitter elderly loser who will probably die alone and be eaten by my dogs (along with the rings).

I want to do my part for marriage equality, so dear reader, I’m begging you, help find Mama a gal! Let’s make herstory!

For those of us who have to work for a living talking about the wackiness in Washington, DeMint was comedy gold. He was the U.S. DeMint of crazy. I mean this is a guy who said things like:

• The hope and change the Democrats had in mind was nothing more than a retread of the failed and discredited socialist policies that have been the enemy of freedom for centuries all over the world. I fear America is teetering toward tyranny. (Well, now we’ve REALLY gone over the edge!)
• Anyone who says the Republicans have been irresponsible aren’t looking at the facts. (Didn’t you mean “isn’t,” Jim?)
• If a person wants to be publicly gay, they should not be teaching in the public schools. (So private gays are OK in private schools?)
• The Iraqi people can now take control of their government and their future by creating a society that protects the rights endowed to us by our creator — life, liberty and freedom. (Do you think he meant Allah?)

The best part about DeMint is that he was an even bigger thorn in the side to his fellow Republicans than he was to Democrats. Mama has it on good authority that Mitch “Yertle” McConnell mumbled, “Don’t let the cloakroom door hit you in the ass on your way out, DeMint,” before pulling his turtle head back inside its shell. There’s joy in Washington tonight, but comedians everywhere are mourning the loss of our favorite foil.

C’mon, Sarah Palin — get back in the game! We need you more than ever!

(Photo: Getty Images)

This is not my father’s Republican Party.

All that day I heard from people with disabilities, literally in tears, telling me how hurt and angry they were by this vote. I feel their pain. Crazy conservatives ginned up the rhetoric around this issue, suggesting it would somehow require U.S. citizens to end home-schooling. I have nothing against home schooling (in fact many of my viewers and listeners are passionately in support of it), but this treaty has NOTHING to do with home schooling. The GOP invented the issue and, not having learned any lessons from Mittens’ campaign, they refused to be persuaded by “fact checkers.”

Thirty-eight Republicans walked by Bob Dole, the 1996 GOP presidential nominee, shook his hand and voted, “NAY.” These people are both clueless and heartless. When the U.S. Senate has sunk so low and become so blindly partisan, the entire country suffers for it.

I’d like to tell you that everything I’ve just written is just a joke — haha — but I can’t. It all really happened. And after 2014, it’s our responsibility to make sure that it never happens again.

(Photo: Getty Images)

Well, you were wrong. I told you I would do it — and I did. Oh, sure, the amazing grassroots Obama campaign was helpful, and so was the fact that the president saved the American auto industry, delivered national health care, lowered unemployment and generally kicked ass over the last four years.

But the truth is, he couldn’t have done any of it without me. I had his back and his front. I single-handedly carried him to victory because … well … without getting all emotional … I love America.

So now it’s time for my victory lap. On January 19, two days before the president I re-elected is sworn in for his second term, Mama will bring the “Sexy Liberal” tour to Washington, D.C. And it’s going to be one pre-inaugural ball. Actually, since there will almost certainly be a celebratory tea-bagging, there will be more than one ball involved.

Come and join us! Tickets went on sale today for the Washington, D.C., “Stephanie Miller’s Sexy Liberal Comedy Tour” at the Warner Theater. This will be our ONLY East Coast date in 2013. Here’s the link: http://sexyliberal.com.

See you there!!!

(Photo: Getty Images)

You see, Eric and Media Matters consistently expose Fox “News” as nothing more than a partisan fraud, a propaganda arm of the GOP. And they do it with the clever trick of taking transcripts from Fox programs and — wait for it — proving what they say is FACTUALLY wrong.

Not surprisingly, Fox hates this.

But for Mama, it’s just the gift that keeps on giving.

Today, for example, Eric smartly pointed out that all the Republican finger pointing at Mittens for his post-election comments about how the president won the election by giving away free government “gifts” (like Social Security and college aid) to his key constituencies is just a media distraction. As Eric astutely notes, the fact is that the Republicans “don’t have a Mitt Romney problem … they have a Fox News problem.”

If you live in a world (as my mother’s masturbating bird does) where every word spoken on Fox News is taken as gospel, then facts are not only unpopular, they’re literally threatening to their viewers’ grasp on reality.

You’d think there would be consequences for commentators and pundits who’ve been as wrong as the Fox talking heads were this year. Instead, their misstatements are either ignored or rationalized as “liberal” bias.

Take some of these beauties, for example:

“(Romney’s landslide victory) will be the biggest surprise in recent American political history. … It will rekindle the whole question on why the media played this race as a nailbiter where in fact Romney’s going to win by quite a bit.”

—Fox News contributor Dick Morris, Nov. 5, 2012

“Thanks to your bookies, this American is preparing to make a lot of money. If the British public currently think Barack Obama is coasting to victory in the Nov. 6 election, they are gravely mistaken. Mitt Romney can win this election. No doubt about it. And it will be because of the first presidential debate on October 3 — a battle of ideas and ideologies that changed American politics as we know it. That day, Romney came to fight and Obama became his punching bag.”

—Fox News analyst Frank Luntz, Oct. 29, 2012

“I’m going to be the nominee. It’s very hard not to look at the recent polls and think that the odds are very high I’m going to be the nominee.”

—(Then) Fox News contributor Newt Gingrich, Dec. 1, 2011

“(Sarah Palin) has a schedule next week that looks like that of a candidate, not a celebrity. … This is her last chance. She either gets in or gets out after this visit next week. I think she gets in.”

—Fox News contributor Karl Rove, Aug. 20, 2011

The unintentionally funny result of Fox experts continuously screwing up is that every now and then their bitterness at being ridiculed causes them to accidentally tell the truth:

“The white establishment is now the minority. The demographics are changing. It’s not a traditional America anymore.”

—Fox News host Bill O’Reilly, Nov. 6, 2011

If by “traditional” he means that most people no longer blindly believe his bulls**t, I think he’s absolutely right. The Fox party is as over as the tea party.

Someone needs to tell Sean Hannity it’s time to turn out the lights. But don’t worry, sweetness. You’ll always have a job with me. “Stephanie and Sean in the Morning.” That has a nice ring to it.

Of course, you’ll have to get the coffee.

(Photo: Getty Images)

• The voters of Florida – Allen West is not in Congress anymore. Alan Grayson is.
• The voters of Wisconsin – You elected the first openly gay United States Senator in Tammy Baldwin, and you spanked Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan for throwing a tantrum about the auto-plant closure in Janesville, which he falsely blamed on President Obama. Eddie didn’t even carry his hometown of Janesville after that big lie. You sent him to his room without any supper—and happily, that room is not in the Vice President’s house.
• The voters of Illinois – You sent a genuine war hero, double-amputee Tammy Duckworth to the United States House of Representatives, replacing the Tea Party’s own deadbeat dad, Joe Walsh (definitely not the Eagle).
• The voters of Maine, Minnesota, Maryland, and Washington—You affirmed marriage equality at the ballot box for the first time in any state’s history. I’m particularly grateful to Minnesota for making Marcus Bachmann cry.
• The voters of Colorado and Washington – Like, wow. Totally!
• The United States of America – You re-elected a great President, Barack Obama. This was no small feat, since Ann Romney had already sent a moving van to the White House to pack up all of his things. There’s a lot of blame going around about why Mittens lost. Mama doesn’t choose to play. Unlike the whiners at Fox News, Mama believes there were no losers here. Only one winner: USA! USA! USA!

And, finally, Mama is deeply thankful for all the Progressive Radio listeners in Portland. You’ve been incredibly loyal and supportive to KPOJ. Mama is incredibly grateful to each and every one of you, and I promise you, starting with the Stephanie Miller iPhone and IPad apps, which are being released today, and The Progressive Voices channel onTuneIn which starts next week, you’ll not miss out on a single senator or fart joke until Mama has sipped her last Chardonnay.

Happy Thanksgiving!

In Leviticus, it is written that if a man lies with another man, as he does a woman, he shall be stoned. Even though I have personally never smoked marijuana, someone decided to bring me a party favor consisting of medical grade cannabis. After shouting out to all of my party goers, “Is there a doctor in the house!?” and getting no response, I rewrapped the package and left it by the front door hoping that somebody would eventually take it home as a generous re-gift. Only later did I discover that two male friends of mine decided to take Leviticus literally and both they and the package disappeared upstairs.

The reason I didn’t know that any of this was happening at the time was because, without warning, all the power on my block suddenly went out. I didn’t panic and never for a moment (well, maybe for just a second) did I think that Ann Coulter had cut the power line to my house. I knew this was just a coincidence and not an act of tea party vengeance. But Jim Ward, conspiracy theorist that he is, still remains convinced that it was a drone sent by the Heritage Foundation.

Mama, like Eleanor Roosevelt, lit candles rather than curse the darkness. And despite all the chaos, everyone had a great time. As my new best friend, rock legend Stephen Stills put it, “It was party by Braille.” No one was really sure who was touching who, but HEY – Obama won!

So nobody asked, and even if they do, nobody will ever tell.

But Mama also has one unbreakable rule about parties: never force your guests to stay when they’re ready to leave. Find their coats, sober ‘em up and show them the door. If you need to call a cab, call a cab. It’s never any fun keeping people at a party against their will.

And that’s how Mama feels about the thousands of people who’ve signed petitions to get their state to secede from the Union because — oh, waahh! — the election didn’t turn out the way they wanted. Yesterday, Mittens proved that he would have made a great Crybaby-in-Chief. He told his supporters on a supposedly “private” call (doesn’t that man ever learn anything?!) that the reason he and Eddie Munster lost was because President Obama gave free things to all of his core constituencies in order to buy their votes. What he calls “free things,” I call policies: health care, nondeportation for the children of undocumented immigrants, the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

So Mama says, “If they wanna leave, let ‘em go.” Just think how that would play out. The Confederate states could finally have their own government. Bobby Jindal could be the new Jefferson Davis (now there’s some irony for you). I’d say we could also give Texas back to Mexico, but I don’t think Mexico would take it. Particularly not if Rick Perry were part of the deal.

I’ve even got the perfect slogan: “Nothing succeeds like secession!” Have a great weekend!

(Photo: Getty Images)