Normally when you go to Cartagena and have sex with prostitutes, the only thing you come back with is a persistent itch that can be treated with antibiotics.
But our secret agents brought home a severely disappointing scandal that decimated the reputation of a band of men I once revered.
At first, my main problem was: you’re a SECRET agent, and you GOT CAUGHT doing something. You should get in and out without being noticed.
But then I realized there’s nothing secret about these guys. Look at this picture and see if you can pick out the members of the so-called “Secret Service.”
Hint: Yul Brynner 1. Yul Brynner 2. And The Principal From Back To The Future.
If these guys want to avoid sticking out like an aviator-wearing sore thumb in Cartagena, hire a 24-year-old, put him a Toms hoodie and have him tell people he’s teaching English until he finds himself.
My other disappointment was that, according to one accusation, one guy owed $800 and he offered the woman $30. As you might know, 800 and 30 aren’t the same number, which leads me to the conclusion that our secret agents are stupid. You’re our Secret Service. You’re supposed to outsmart and foil the plots of evil geniuses and you ran up an $800 tab when you only had $30 in your pocket?
The financial foible brought to mind yet another disappointment: Why are British secret agents so much cooler than American secret agents? The laser on James Bond’s watch costs $8,000, and our guys are scrimping together singles. I know the dollar is weak, but I think we can cough up a grand so Agent Johnson can afford some hey-hey.
But the most disappointing and frankly baffling aspect of this whole scandal is that these men are secret agents. And they had to PAY for sex. This single-handedly ruins my image of what it’s like to be a secret agent.
Secret Agents in heat! Try the following:
SAY: “I’m a secret agent.”
GET sexed on.
In the end, what’s done is done, and I can’t get that mad at people in a line of work so much more dangerous than my own.
These are Secret Service agents. They play Russian Roulette with terrorists and assassins. The least we can do is let them play Russian Roulette with the Ladies of Club Super.