From the Jan. 15, 2013, edition of “Viewpoint.”
So this week Glenn Beck, here, announced that he plans to “Go Galt” and create a self-sustaining community based on the philosophy of Ayn Rand’s character John Galt in her book “Atlas Shrugged,” a book which was originally titled “Hey, It’s Totally Cool to be a Selfish Douchebag” — I think.
Independence Park, U.S.A., will be a community inspired by Disneyland but built on the principles of the free market, where families can “find happiness, inspiration, courage and hope” without any of that big-government socialism like libraries or post offices or the U.S. Army.
Glenn Beck’s community will surround a lake that is larger than all of Disneyland. It will provide its own food and energy, produce its own TV and film content in its own studio, it will house a theme park and a residential community, and create a national learning center where people can send their kids to, in Glenn’s words, “be deprogrammed.”
And I say, bring it on, Glenn. After all, man, you’ve conquered radio, TV, Internet; you have chased away more sponsors than Lindsay Lohan did at Betty Ford. America is ready for the Glenn Beck version of Disneyland, with rides like the Glenn Beck Emotional Roller Coaster, where kids can cry and scream, and cry and scream, and cry and scream, until Roger Ailes fires them.
Just imagine: A chalkboard-based community founded on the self-interest of Ayn Rand — who really hated Christianity — combined with a Christ worshipper that finally ignores his inconveniently liberal teachings.
Imagine having your kids deprogrammed by Glenn Beck, where all that annoying education can be sucked right out and your kids can be taught the things that really matter — like how the deficit’s been destroying this country since Jan. 21, 2009; how “Soros” is actually a Hungarian term for “class traitor”; and how a half-white president raised by a white mom and white grandparents with an overwhelmingly white Cabinet can still have a deep-seated hatred of all white people.
They’re gonna even have a movie studio here, where Glenn can produce films that matter. Like Ayn Rand’s “It’s a Wonderful Life,” which tells the story of free-market hero Mr. Potter vs. the bleeding-heart socialist Bailey family leeches.
Across the lake there will be a church modeled after the Alamo, where Glenn’s Christian followers can feel good about hating Mexicans.
And every day at noon, there’s the Main Street parade where immigrants are chased out of the town by an angry torch-wielding mob.
And to ensure there’s no violence in Glenn Beck’s utopian village, once a year, in a very traditional lottery system, they’ll randomly pick one person to be stoned to death. It’s literary — like Thomas Payne.
Now, plans are set to build Independence Park, U.S.A., in Texas, because Guyana didn’t test well with focus groups.
So come for the libertarian utopia — but stay for the post-apocalyptic, “Mad Max”–like, every-man-for-himself, only-Snake-Plissken-can-ever-get-you-out-of-here, buy-gold-now dystopia!