From the March 11, 2013, edition of “Viewpoint.”
Tonight’s F Bomb is a very special Eastertime bundle of good news for right-wing Christian homophobes, those hopeless romantics whose faith hinges on the belief that Jesus eats at Chick-fil-A and hates the same people they do.
And this story begins in the great state of Washington in the town of Richland. Rob Ingersoll’s a guy who just got engaged to his partner of nine years and throughout their courtship, Rob has often sent his fiance flowers from Arlene’s Flowers, where the owner, Baronelle Stutzman, has happily handled all his romantic, gay floral needs.
Because when Mr. Ingersoll asked Ms. Stutzman to do the flowers for his wedding, she said, “I am sorry, I can’t do your wedding because of my relationship with Jesus Christ.”
Now some of you might get angry at that and want to say mean things about Ms. Stutzman. After all, people opposed to same-sex marriages tend to be trapped in lame-sex marriages. But here’s the first bit of good news for all the right-wing Christian homophobes who’d love to stop discriminating if it weren’t for that meddling Messiah.
Jesus never once said a single negative thing about gay people. But some Christian homophobes have an argument they use against marriage equality from Matthew 19:4, where Jesus is written to have said: “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female?”
However, like most Bible passages used by the anti-gay Christians, it’s taken totally out of context. Because when you read the whole chapter of Matthew 19, the first thing you realize is Jesus is talking about divorce, not the gays.
See in the line before, the Pharisees — the conservative religious bosses — ask J.C. if it’s lawful for a guy to put away his wife for every cause. Might surprise you — early-first-century law in the Holy Land wasn’t exactly pro-women’s rights. Parts of the Bible are like the gospel according to Ike Turner.
In Deuteronomy it says a man can throw his wife out when he “no longer delights in her,” something Limbaugh’s apparently done three times.
So Christ reminds them marriage is supposed to be for life. Then they bring up divorce laws, and Jesus — like the long-haired, homeless rebel that he was — says if you kick out your wife for any reason other than adultery and you marry someone else, then you’ve committed adultery yourself.
What this is, is Jesus is standing up for women’s rights. So it’s really two bits of good news, right-wing Christians. Not only do you not have to hate gay people anymore, you don’t get to hate feminists, either.
So we wish Mr. Ingersoll and his partner a very long and a very happy marriage, and we wish his florist luck in finding a new name for her religion. Because, you see, according to the actual Bible verse the homophobes have been using, it’s pretty clear: If you’re a Christian who really just cares about “protecting marriage,” then it’s time to stop fighting gay weddings and start fighting straight divorce.