From the Jan. 30, 2013, edition of “Viewpoint.”
The Arkansas Senate voted this week to allow guns in churches. Now my first thought when I heard this was, “Great! If anybody deserves the right to protect themselves, it’s altar boys.”
But then I was told this law would allow anyone to bring a concealed handgun into a place of worship. Now I know some might disagree, but I will always fight for people of faith to prove to the rest of us that they don’t actually have any faith. For yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of church, I will fear no evil. My Glock and dwindling testosterone shall comfort me.
You see, friends, for far too long these churches have been operating out in the open as sanctuaries of unrestrained nonviolence. This ruling in Arkansas is a victory for everyone who thinks Jesus saying “Turn the other cheek” was metaphor, but the talking snake thing was real. Do you folks realize this Jesus actually said we should forgive our enemies and bless those who hurt us? You know what that means? Not only is he Middle Eastern, he’s un-American.
And that’s the whole problem with Christianity: They let this nonviolent long-haired hippie run the thing. Jesus was the prince of peace, when he should’ve been the prince of packing a piece.
So I think guns should be allowed in church. It’s the people who want to bring guns to church who should not be allowed in church.
And why would they want to? Why would they ever want to go to church? Think about it. Jesus said help the poor, pay your taxes, be nice to people in prison. He hung out with lepers and hookers and crooks, he never said a thing about abortion or gay people, and was quite clearly more than once against the death penalty. Going to church when you totally reject Jesus’ message? That’s like going to a Wu-Tang Clan concert because you hate hip-hop.
Look, gun worship is a simple religion for simple folks. You get to put all your earthly faith and trust in something you can see and hear and discreetly buy with cash from a guy named Skeeter in that truck behind the Motel 6.
Gun worshippers have their own holy text, the second part of the Second Amendment. It’s like the Bible fans who skip straight from Book of Genesis to the “Left Behind” novels. The gun worshippers have no problem forcing their religion of gun worship on the rest of us, and they’ve shown that their devotion is so unshakable, they are willing to sacrifice children to their worshipped object of choice.
So if you really think you need to bring a gun to your church, then you don’t need to change a law — you need to change your church.
Churches are private entities and it’s a free country. They can do as they want. But Jesus said those who live by the sword shall die by the sword. So maybe there ought to be a background check before some people get to call themselves Christians.