From the Jan. 23, 2013, edition of “Viewpoint.”
Here’s my thing, because, y’all remember when President Obama was first sworn in back in 2009 and then we heard about that secret GOP strategy session dinner in the Caucus Room?
That’s the D.C. restaurant where major Republicans, including Eric Cantor, Jim DeMint, Jon Kyl, Tom Coburn, Minister of Propaganda Frank Luntz and a giant Weeble with plastic Fisher Price–person hair named Gingrich met to plot out exactly how they would sabotage every part of the president’s new agenda. You remember when they pulled this?
Well, this year, under heavy media scrutiny, the gang that couldn’t smear straight hasn’t been able to schedule a new meeting, and now some of the top D.C. restaurants are making their pitches to host this year’s all-you-can-obstruct dinner.
For example, the D.C. TGI Friday’s is so eager to book this year’s right-wing strategy supper that for a limited time they’re changing the name to “Thank God It’s Friday’s, and by ‘God,’ we mean one nation under God who is the one true God and not Allah, who is a false god Friday’s.” So that’s their pitch.
Or come on down to Sizzler, Republicans, and try the new 32-ounce porterhouse steak. It’s the slab of beef that’s so manly, it hates women as much as you do.
Or if the GOP agrees to meet at the D.C. Denny’s, then for one full month they pledge every time a senior orders the Grand Slam breakfast, they’ll let Paul Ryan come to their table and deny them Medicare.
Republicans, Applebee’s wants you to know that for a limited time, all chicken hawks get a free plate of chicken wings.
Or you might consider meeting at the Georgetown Chili’s, where the jalapeno poppers are so deliciously undocumented, your digestive system will self-deport.
Bonanza invites — these are all true by the way, absolutely true — Bonanza invites the Republicans to try their all-beef vegetarian platter. I know that makes no sense, but neither does opposing marriage equality while you talk about “liberty.”
And hey, for all you southern conservatives, all you patriots who still defend the Confederate flag, that patriotic symbol of quitting America to start your own country to keep people as livestock, well, the Washington, D.C., Souplantation is willing to offer table service by actual plantation slaves. It’s OK, Republicans, they’re happy slaves — like the ones you like in “Gone with the Wind.” But make sure you come with your appetite unchained.
And finally, El Pollo Loco plans to appeal to the new GOP with their new chili neo-con carne. It’ll unilaterally invade your stomach, and Republicans will like it because there’s no exit strategy.
And one more, one last thing to add: Chick-fil-A. Oh, Chick-fil-A — they really want your business, Republicans. Chick-fil-A plans to appeal to the GOP bosses by simply reminding them, “Hey, homophobes, welcome home.”