When the Supreme Court keeps voting five to four on all these big issues, most of the nine justices don’t really matter. And that’s why our number of the day is one.
But this time it is not the loneliest number. No, this “one” refers to one justice with one vote — the single most powerful man in America: Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, also known as AK, Mr. Five to Four, Tony Magic 8 Ball and The Least Fun Kennedy to Ever Have at Any Bachelor Party. This man is the swing vote on the divided court.
And a recent Time Magazine cover story actually called him “The Decider,” which must’ve really upset former President Bush — or whoever it was who actually decided Bush should call himself “The Decider.”
Today, the Supreme Court threw out most of Arizona’s new immigration law — except it kept the part that obliges brown Arizonans to have to have ID on them.
But then Justice Kennedy also swung and ruled that juveniles can’t get mandatory life sentences without parole. Liberals are happy. Conservatives are happy. We’re confused. And this week, he’s going to cast the deciding vote on the Affordable Care Act.
So the question is: Will Justice Kennedy uphold the mandate, which was actually designed by Republicans? Or will he find it unconstitutional, as argued and demanded by Republicans? Either way, Justice Kennedy has the only vote that matters.
So here’s my idea: Why don’t we just let the other eight people stay home? Not just this week, but all the time. I mean, this guy decides it half the time anyway.
Stay at home, Supreme Court.
More time for Clarence Thomas to fall asleep at home while his wife writes his opinions for him. More time for Antonin Scalia to give speeches about how much Jesus would’ve loved the death penalty for minors. More time for Ruth Bader Ginsburg to work on her karaoke cover of “Sexy and I Know It.”
I can just see Samuel Alito watching this at home, mouthing, “Not true.” But it is. We don’t need you. Stay home — especially Thursday, Alito.