Schoolchildren in Louisiana are to be taught that the Loch Ness Monster is real and that this proves the theory of evolution is false. I know. Al-Qaida’s like, “We’re trying way too hard.”
Accelerated Christian Education, or ACE, has published a new biology textbook that will teach children that the existence of the Loch Ness Monster — which, as we all know, is completely real (here’s a photo, I have proof) — proves that man coexists with dinosaurs and that science, specifically evolution, is a myth. Like global warming, separation of church and state, and female sexual pleasure.
And get this: Thousands of students in Louisiana are eligible to receive taxpayer-funded vouchers to attend private Christian schools that teach this Loch-Ness-Monster-disproving-evolution thing, thanks to a bill pushed through by Bobby Jindal, boy governor.
Now, I like people who believe in Genesis as absolute literal fact. I love anyone who thinks God could create the heavens and the earth in six days but couldn’t find the two naked people hiding in the park. And I have no problem, folks, with creationism being taught in science class — as long as evolutionary theory is taught in Bible study.
But here’s the thing — what no one seems to have told literal fundamentalists is that creationism, whether you believe it or not, has absolutely nothing to do with Christianity. That is to say, nothing to do with the teachings of Jesus. Nor do I understand how people who follow Jesus — a guy who spoke in parable and metaphor — have such a tough time reading the Bible as parable and metaphor.
See, a lot of our far-right-wing friends like to worship Jesus as a god because that’s a whole lot easier than having to follow his extremely liberal teachings. And Jesus, as far as we know, didn’t care one bit about who believes in talking snakes. Jesus mentions talking snakes as often as he mentions gay people, premarital sex and abortion — which is to say, never.
In Matthew 25, Jesus does state his priorities in a parable. He talks about separating the flock — the sheep from the goats. And he thanks the sheep for feeding him, welcoming him even though he was a stranger, clothing him when he was poor, taking care of him when he was sick and caring for him when he was in prison.
The goats — safe to assume he means the fake Christians — all say, “Well, Jesus, when were you poor and hungry and sick and in prison?” And Christ replies, “When you didn’t do it for the least of my people, you didn’t do it for me.”
And that’s what Christianity was supposed to be about. Not calling the poor lazy, not justifying torture, not fighting for tax cuts for the wealthiest Nazarenes, not asking lepers for a bigger co-pay and not teaching kids to ignore science so they can believe in a talking snake.
A more plausible theory is that literal creationism is Satan’s nifty little plot to make Christians look very silly. It has nothing to do with the teachings of Jesus. It’s spiritually insignificant, and it’s why in 2012 America, fundamentalist Christianity is the leading cause of atheism.
That’s “My View.”