tagged w/ Iranian National Intelligence
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To: President Ahmadinejad
From: The Iranian Ministry of Intelligence
Subject: America
We concluded that after the collapse of communism, America was on track to become the worlds sole superpower and most compelling role model for Muslim youth including our own. We were wrong. We now have high confidence that America is on a path of self-destruction, for three reasons:
First, 9/11 has made America afraid and therefore stupid. The war on terrorism is now so deeply imbedded in Americas psyche that we think it is highly likely that America will continue to export more fear than hope and will continue to defend things like torture and Guantánamo Bay prison and to favor politicians like Mr. Giuliani, who alienates the rest of the world.
Second, at a time when Americas bridges, roads, airports and Internet bandwidth have fallen behind other industrial powers, including China, we believe that the U.S. opposition to higher taxes and the fact that the primary campaigns have focused largely on gay marriage, flag-burning and whether the Christian Bible is the literal truth means it is highly unlikely that America will arrest its decline.
Third, all the U.S. presidential candidates are distancing themselves from the core values that made America such a great power and so different from us in particular Americas long commitment to free trade, open immigration and a reverence for scientific enquiry wherever it leads. Our intel analysts are baffled that the leading Democrat, Mrs. Clinton, no longer believes in globalization and the leading Republican, Mr. Huckabee, never believed in evolution.
Therefore, we conclude with high confidence that there is little likelihood that post-9/11 America will, as they say, get its groove back anytime soon.
Who needs nukes when you have this kind of America?
God is Great. Long Live the Iranian Revolution. To: President Ahmadinejad
From: The Iranian Ministry of Intelligence
Subject:... more
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