Testicles // Current TV

Science Hates Your Balls: The War on Sperm

Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don't laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science'll be coming for your testicles next!

Since the invention of the penis approximately 47 billion years ago man has been desperately trying to devise ways to control them. They are godless fornication machines, guided only by impulse and an unyielding quest for personal gain and satisfaction of their unquenchable desires. Hell bent on destroying all those that possess them, whether it be through their devilish creation of distilled, fermented spirits used to bend the will of their symbiotic hosts, or their ingenious invention of the internet which they use to transmit their images around the globe to all of those who would marvel at their grandeur.

At the moment there are only two proven methods of male contraception: prayer and butt sex. And if you ask any homosexual couple trying to have a child, they'll tell you it's nigh impossible to impregnate each other, try as they might, but science still isn't sure if it's the power of the prayers of people who hate other people despite their own god telling them not to hate anyone, or just the simple fact that the homosexual uterus is located just below the left lung, too far for the penis to reach through either of the homosexual's two favorite orifices... try as they might.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on the proclivity or selfish laziness of whom you ask, heterosexual procreation is much more easily achievable. Almost anyone can do it. But that seems to be the problem. And rather than continue on as we have for the last fifty years, allowing the ladies to take almost complete responsibility for repelling the seminal onslaught on their innards, science says that gentlemen should have more contraceptive options than simply genital mutilation or specially designed poison coated miniature trash bags.

So armies of spooge hating scientists around the world are experimenting with all sorts ways to keep testicle tadpoles from getting from point A to unfertilized egg B. With experimental "solutions" including stopping and restarting sperm production in mice, bombarding scrotums with ultrasound waves, removing proteins that keep sperm cells from being able to penetrate eggs, and blocking vitamin A. You see, apparently as this article seems to suggests and I'm not interested enough to look for confirmation of, "life wigglies" as I so childishly refer to them, are composed solely of vitamin A. So just know, if you ever take any supplement that contains vitamin A, you're swallowing semen.

In India they're testing an injectable synthetic substance that "sabotages sperm as they leave the testes and lasts for years". I don't even know what that means, or have any idea of what it COULD mean. I didn't realize that a sperm cell had so many moving parts that you could simply loosen a bolt or two and it'd fly apart, slam into your urethral wall and explode in a tiny, tiny fireball.

As for what's already on the market, in addition to the customary permanent snip and latex straight jackets there's also apparently other "hormone gels and implants that can make men temporarily infertile" available in America "for other purposes". I'm going to chalk up the "for other purposes" in their description of these currently available temporary infertility gels and implants as some sort of error in translation from what ever language is native to this jizm hating propagandist, because aside from preventing unintentional impregnation, I'm not entirely sure what other purposes temporary infertility could serve. I can't even think of any ridiculous explanations for a statement as seemingly nonsensical as this one. And when I can't think of a way to properly ridicule the stupid thing that you just said, it makes me angry, and frightened, and then angry again. Because I don't know if you're the smartest person in the world or if you've just invented a new stupid that will surely kill us all.

Me, I'm a traditionalist. I don't need any fancy doodads and rigmarole to make sure I don't end up a with a miniature version of myself that only seems to take pleasure in shitting on me. I personally employ the time tested "paint the naval" technique of birth control, which, in doing actual research on the subject I have found when done properly has almost the same effectiveness as any other form of over the counter birth control. Of course, when done incorrectly the failure rate sextuples, but I just have a hard time understanding how the "thorax frosting" method could be done incorrectly. Maybe I've lived a sheltered life, but I've never been surprised by the culmination of my own pelvic efforts. At no point in my life have I ever suddenly, and without substantial forewarning experienced an eruption of mount baldy that's caught me completely unawares... But I guess I just understand how my personal workings and doings present themselves, and apparently that makes me special.

So science: leave my gonads alone! Let the ladies handle the parenthood prevention, because left in the hands of those completely ruled by their more powerful apendage, contraception will be less than pointless. I can't be trusted to not to forget to put my watch on before leaving for wok, you think I'm going to remember to spray my groin with vitamin A killing lasers every morning?

Besides, what me and my seed do is nobody's business but mine and who or what ever I decide to shellac with it.

----------------------------------------

For all of your rickety, windowless, primered comedy needs, visit:
vanfullofcandy.comScientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious... more

VanFullOfCandy
added this
12 months ago
|
16 comments

Woman ‘bites off her boyfriend's testicles’

A MAN had surgery to re-attach his testicles after his girlfriend allegedly bit them... more

bundlebear
added this
1 year ago
|
135 comments

Man maimed himself in DIY 'sex change'

A NORTH Derbyshire man who was desperate to become a woman carried out a DIY sex... more

bundlebear
added this
1 year ago
|
3 comments

Scientists Find World's Largest Balls

So, you think you have big nuts? You're not even close.... more

Progresshiv
added this
1 year ago
|
37 comments

Biggest balls in the world belong to tiny cricket

And the prize for the biggest balls in the animal kingdom goes to...the finger sized... more

sbacker
added this
1 year ago
|
0 comments

Surgeon cut off testicle 'by mistake' at Bury hospital

A patient lost a testicle during an operation because the surgeon cut it off by... more

CarolineS
added this
1 year ago
|
3 comments

Do Not Watch This Video If You Are a Proud Owner of Testicles (VIDEO) - The Daily Blender

WTF OMFG! FFffffuuuuuuu! Well I watched it. Wish I hadn't but I did. Do you... more

dryeraser
added this
1 year ago
|
1 comment

Sarah Palin talks testicles: Comparing cojones - Obama v. Brewer (Video)

Silly Sarah Palin is at it again. The dazed and confused former half term Governor and... more

unimatrix0
added this
1 year ago
|
18 comments

Brazilian waxing nearly cost UK man his nuts

GAME-for-a-laugh Joe Cooper was left in agony after a bikini waxing by mates in a PUB... more

unimatrix0
added this
1 year ago
|
4 comments

Woman Rips Off Man's Testicle

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at... more

dragon1984
added this
1 year ago
|
5 comments

Hugh Jackman Will Soon Have Testicles Under His Chin

Yeah, you read that right. Hugh Jackman will be taking on his most challenging role... more

Sexirobot
added this
2 years ago
|
13 comments

Can Obama Smash Terrorist Children Testicles? Well Actually….YES, The Administration Believes So

Rachel Maddow discusses torture and the rule of law

shanklinmike
added this
2 years ago
|
10 comments

Just When You Thought He Couldn’t Get More Offensive, John Yoo Writes Column Celebrating His “Gift” to Obama « SpeakEasy

Fresh off a news cycle that saw him define executive power as bestowing the president... more

Monkey_Films
added this
2 years ago
|
0 comments

Plastic Chemicals Feminize Boys

Chemicals in plastics alter the brains of baby boys making them "more... more

Progresshiv
added this
2 years ago
|
4 comments

Our balls are bigger than yours

Tonight on Max and Jason: Still up Our balls are bigger than yours Featuring...... more

ctv
added this
2 years ago
|
0 comments

Greek Woman Sets Man's Balls on Fire

And not in a good way.......

Progresshiv
added this
2 years ago
|
0 comments

Check out the balls on that car! [pic]

'Nuf said in the headline. Would you pimp your car with a set of dangling... more

burukku16
added this
2 years ago
|
5 comments

Horse bites off Indonesian man's testicle in freak attack

An Indonesian villager had to be rushed to hospital after a horse bit off one of his... more

TravG73
added this
3 years ago
|
3 comments

Marijuana Linked to Aggressive Testicular Cancer

Researchers found that men who smoked marijuana once a week or began to use the... more

TravG73
added this
3 years ago
|
5 comments

select your country

Community Spotlight

TAGS

tagged w/ Testicles

top videos

find current on tv

find current online

recent comments

© 2012 Current TV, LLC All Rights Reserved

the basics

follow us online

tools

stay in touch

© 2012 Current TV, LLC
All Rights Reserved