tagged w/ The Stupid Times
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Business leaders are backing the project, because it will allow them a bigger choice of flights to their holiday homes, and perhaps create a few minimum wage jobs as well.
Business Secretary Lord Mandelson denied that the decision utterly contradicted the government's commitment to environmental concerns. "It's a classic dilemma - I can't get the bloody train to Corfu, but we're also over a barrel with all the climate change bollocks. By adding a train line to the plans, we should just be able to get away with it."Business leaders are backing the project, because it will allow them a bigger choice... more
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The government has struck a deal with lenders to ensure that they only smirk at you as you beg to borrow some of your own money.
Since the credit crunch hit last year, banks and credit companies have been duty bound to shit themselves laughing whenever a hard pressed small business or homeowner comes through the door to try and sort out their finances.The government has struck a deal with lenders to ensure that they only smirk at you as... more
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A BBC investigation also discovered that employees in UK factories are actually getting paid in cash for their backbreaking shifts, not in salt and chocolate as previously thought. Even more shocking was video footage of workers for Primark's suppliers in Indonesia sitting down eating their lunch and smiling and waving at the camera, rather than weeping and howling as their fingers break off at the end of a 32 hour shift sewing on buttons.A BBC investigation also discovered that employees in UK factories are actually... more
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The Chancellor Alistair Darling dismissed the concerns and said that people would eventually get used to the anal intrusion. "Try walking a mile in my fucking shoes," he told MPs at Treasury questions in the Commons. "I've got the IMF, the World Bank, China and Gordon's finger up my jacksie from dawn until dusk. Sweet Jesus, make it stop. Will somebody please make it stop."The Chancellor Alistair Darling dismissed the concerns and said that people would... more
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Bush and Vice-President Cheney refused to attend a press conference to discuss the matter. They were said to be busy working on a plan that will ensure Israel can unload their full arsenal of weapons on Gaza before W heads back to the ranch in a fortnight.A source close to the former Secretary of Defence has said that if the Pardons are revoked and a warrant is put out for his arrest Rumsfeld may seek asylum with Osama Bin Laden in the Tora Bora caves.Bush and Vice-President Cheney refused to attend a press conference to discuss the... more
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Union representatives have been angered by profit/loss figures that show the redundancies will save less money than Take That were paid to appear in nauseating Christmas TV adverts with Twiggy. Middle class staff are particularly concerned as working in M&S allows them to suggest to friends that they are not just shop-workers, which of course they are.Union representatives have been angered by profit/loss figures that show the... more
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Speaking from Cliff Richard’s house on the sun kissed island of Barbados, the Middle East peace envoy described how repeated telephone calls and emails have been distracting him from the important business of perfecting his serve and completing a game of mixed doubles with Cliff, Cherie and Cilla Black.Speaking from Cliff Richard’s house on the sun kissed island of Barbados, the... more
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The Council of Hobos, Bums and Vagrants (CHBV) has complained that most of it members are barred from JD Wetherspoons premises and therefore unable to take advantage of the discount. They will instead be forced to drink a similarly priced warm can of beer outside in the cold, according to CHBV Chairman Angry Jack.The Council of Hobos, Bums and Vagrants (CHBV) has complained that most of it members... more
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Tom Meiner of Woodbury, Minnesota had planned to quit drinking on New Years Day 2009, but his wife Sarah had also secretly pledged to leave him and take the kids. When Tom woke up at 11am and realised they were gone, he reached for the gin and spent the rest of the day in his own alcoholic private hell.Tom Meiner of Woodbury, Minnesota had planned to quit drinking on New Years Day 2009,... more
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As his wife Janice told us, he perhaps should have stopped there. "I pleaded with him to give the cards to me, so I could check them for drivel and moronic trivia that people think we actually give a shit about, but he wouldn't listen. He insisted that he would see the funny side eventually and carried on."As his wife Janice told us, he perhaps should have stopped there. "I pleaded with... more
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Known around the world for his red face, rotund physique and penchant for whisky, brandy, beer and any other kind of liquor left out for him on Christmas Eve, it’s perhaps no surprise that Mr Claus has been caught drunk in charge of his reindeer, and some media commentators have been asking why it’s taken so long.Known around the world for his red face, rotund physique and penchant for whisky,... more
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The new Office of Vacuous Celebrity (OVC) will be a key part of Barack Obama’s White House and will ensure that the pointless activities of actors, singers, socialites and their hangers-on are at the heart of administration thinking and inform new policy from the outset. Obama has tapped world famous pop star and fruitcake Britney Spears to serve as the first director of the OVC and revealed his new ‘gossip girl’ at a press conference in Chicago.The new Office of Vacuous Celebrity (OVC) will be a key part of Barack Obama’s... more
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Truly appalling programmes like Stargate SG1, Road Wars, Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, and the 50 greatest TV endings will only have their crapness enhanced by the 3D technology as people realise that the CGI in Stargate is poor and that Ross Kemp is actually only 4 feet high.Truly appalling programmes like Stargate SG1, Road Wars, Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, and... more
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The PM is understood to be angry at the attention that outgoing US President George W Bush has received for ducking and smiling when shoes were thrown at him on Sunday, and wants to look as cool and relaxed under fire as Bush. He has let it be known he would appreciate having stuff chucked his way, and may grant a private interview to the first attacker.The PM is understood to be angry at the attention that outgoing US President George W... more
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Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks say they could be facing losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks say they could be facing losses of... more
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John Varley made the comments following the revelation that house prices were likely to fall by up to 30% over the next year, and the complete banker advised that all those dingy Victorian terraces in the southeast that we shelled out half a million quid on will now be worth a price that is within the realms of sanity.John Varley made the comments following the revelation that house prices were likely... more
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Politicians around the world have expressed shock and awe that he missed the president's grinning face, and insisted that if they had been there, there would have smashed the bastard's nose right in.Politicians around the world have expressed shock and awe that he missed the... more
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All this has greatly depressed the millions of naïve Democratic activists who worked tirelessly for Obama's election and the party's solid majorities in Congress. Terri Lewis of California admitted that her previous belief that the party was infallible was now shattered. "I never really appreciated that the Dems could use public office for their own means. With Clinton's unblemished record, we couldn't imagine that a Democrat governor would do something like this."All this has greatly depressed the millions of naïve Democratic activists who... more
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“There is also the small issue of Blair having achieved fuck all as peace envoy to the Middle East. I don’t think Tony realises that working for JP Morgan and making crappy speeches in China is not a great help to people living in the Gaza Strip.”“There is also the small issue of Blair having achieved fuck all as peace envoy... more
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A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 for two weeks during the election process with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP each night by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will inlcude drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on... more
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