tagged w/ Lloyd Blankfein
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Rome - The most famous video game character the world has ever known has been appointed Prime Minister of Italy. In the latest attempt to get Italy’s debt crisis under control, Nintendo’s Mario has been put in charge of Europe’s third-largest economy.
A plumber by trade and an unlikely superhero by profession, Mario has an unprecedented track record in wrenching happy outcomes from world threatening disasters.
Mario has rescued the Mushroom Kingdom from certain doom countless times. And he has proven to be the only superhero who can consistently kick Donkey Kong’s ass.
But according to Italy’s Chief Finance Minister, Garibaldi Tuttsi, the Italian government is particularly interested in one of Mario’s other unique talents.
“We plan on having him hit the reset button on our $2.6 trillion in debt,” the minister said. “That way we could start the whole game over again and have Mario rack up millions of points for the future. Hey, does anyone know the exchange rate for magic mushrooms and euros?”
As expected, the lender nations are less than thrilled with the idea of having Italy zero-up what it owes. In fact, they have already announced counter strategies. Germany plans to appoint to its military characters from the video game Blitzkrieg.
“We have run down the boot of Italy before, and we will do it again if necessary,” said Germany’s defense minister Rudolf Zinster. “This time we will find the golden buckle, and remove it to the German treasury. Heil... I mean have a good day.”
In the US, that nation’s financial industry has selected the video game series Halo to counter Italy’s Mario move. “We will actually be wearing halos to seem wise and beneficent,” said Lloyd Blankfein, chairman of Goldman Sachs. “Of course, that doesn’t mean we won’t get tough.”
“You saw what we did to those Occupy Wall Street punks,” added Jamie Dimon, CEO of J.P. Morgan Chase. “We shouldn’t have any problem with that roly-poly plumber.”
Great Britain has pledged to take care of any military intelligence that may be required, placing the entire Murdoch family and the Board of Directors of News Corp. in charge.
Japan, the world’s chief exporter of nuclear radiation, just plans to send a little higher dosage Italy’s way.
Military strategists warn that such actions could set off World War III. “But on the other hand, war would help jumpstart the world’s economy,” one expert said. “That is, what’s left of it.”Rome - The most famous video game character the world has ever known has been... more
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Washington, DC - Americans are betting that they can select a better president by chance than by choice. The presidential elections, which were scheduled for next November, have been replaced by the nation’s first Presidential Lottery.
The new rules are simple. “Voters” can buy as many Presidential Lottery tickets as they can afford. Then on “Election Day.” a random drawing will be conducted, with the holder of the winning ticket named President of the United States.
“We were all set to hold elections as usual, until we saw who was running,” said Roger Flanter, Chancellor of the Electoral College. “The candidates all seem to have memory disorders and learning issues. They shouldn’t be in the White House; they belong at the short end of a Dr. Phil segment.”
The idea of gambling to select the next president ironically came from the financial sector, which bet big on the housing bubble and left the middle class to clean up the mess after it burst.
“Those Wall Street boys really know how to rig a game,” Flanter said. “They work better than loaded dice on a tilted craps table.”
Flanter is making sure his group comes out on top by charging a dollar for each presidential election lottery ticket. “The big corporations, labor unions and other special interests are going to want to buy millions, if not billions of tickets,” he said. “Meanwhile, we’re going to avoid all the expenses connected with conducting an actual national election. You can take that chad and shove it. ”
The changes are reflected in a new name for the US Board of Elections, which is now called the US Bored with Elections. The oversight panel also has a new slogan: “The Presidential Lottery: All you need is a dollar and an unreasonable demand.”
To publicize the new system, the Electoral College is soliciting testimonial endorsements from citizens in all parts of America. Here’s a sampling of the initial results:
-- Mrs. Flory Butterfield in Waco, Texas says she’s going to take Air Force One on a four-year global excursion if she wins the presidency. “I’ll be like Bill Clinton,” she said, “but without the cigar.”
-- Billitt Zacher of Columbus, Ohio plans to reinstate the death penalty on the federal level. “I have a few scores I need to settle,” he said.
-- An L. Blankfein, who works in the busy canyons of lower Manhattan, would “putter around the White House, perhaps fixing little odds and ends. Then I’d order up a massive nuclear missile strike. I want to try out as many ways to destroy a country as I can.”
Tickets for the Presidential Lottery go on sale next month. The winner will be notified by mail, if the U.S. Postal Service lasts that long.Washington, DC - Americans are betting that they can select a better president by... more
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New York - The international financial industry now controls Heaven as well as Hell. After years of behind-the-scenes maneuvering and back room deals, Wall Street officially became a major religion of the world this morning.
With a hierarchy mirroring that of the Catholic Church, Worship Wall Street now fully rules over the financial district, which has been deemed as its sovereign territory.
In a secret ceremony in which bond receipts were burned in a “bondfire of the vanities,” Lloyd Blankfein, CEO and chairman of Goldman Sachs, was elected Pope.
“This will teach those OWS punks to mess with us,” His Holiness said. “Occupy Wall Street is just a movement. Worship Wall Street is a religion with direct connections to the Almighty as well as to the almighty dollar.”
Cardinal Mayor Michael Bloomberg warned that if anyone as much as raises his voice in the financial district, he will be charged with religious persecution and jailed until the Second Coming, “whatever that is.”
“It won’t be easy doing the Lord’s work while running the City of New York into the ground,” Bloomberg whined. “But they gave us these swell red dresses and crazy red hats to wear, so I couldn’t resist.”
The entire staff of the Wall Street Journal has been hired to write the Worship Wall Street Bible. The holy book is expected to contain the first understandable explanation of the 2008 Too Big to Fail Bailout.
“That, brothers and sisters, was a true Act of God,” Pope Lloyd said. “Imagine Republicans and Democrats joining together and passing history making legislation in less than a week’s time. We are going to call it The Miracle of the Campaign Contribution.”
Pope Blackfein the First went on to describe some of the other advantages of turning the financial industry into religion.
“Now no one will be going to jail for destroying the American economy through fraudulent activity and illegal actions,” he said. “They don’t investigate a church for such things. It’s not as if we diddled our altar girls, who by the way are the former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.”
But Blankfein saved the best for last: “As a religion, we are completely exempt from taxes -- Federal, state, city, and sales. Say hallelujah, America.”New York - The international financial industry now controls Heaven as well as Hell.... more
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SHOULD WE DEMAND FORFEITURE OF ALL ASSETS?
CLICK THE LINK AND VOTE
"Breaking news -- A Senate panel charged with investigating the financial crisis is laying blame right where it belongs: At the foot of the mega-banks that pushed shoddy financial products on consumers and then deceived Congress. Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein appears to have lied to Congress. It's time for a criminal investigation -- and the powerful senator who chaired the panel agrees."
"Investigators discovered that Goldman traders bragged about selling "shitty" deals to clients and the mega-bank bet against the same financial products it was selling to investors. And they've lied about it all the way to the bank."
http://act.demandprogress.org/sign/investigate_goldman/?akid=508.403945._ybMmR&rd=1&t=1
As I emailed the president and my congressman, the only effective and appropriate punishment for such institutional economic warfare against the people, is to federally sieze the assets of Goldman Sachs and permanently dissolve the corporation, banning it's CEO's from further work in the economic and financial industries!SHOULD WE DEMAND FORFEITURE OF ALL ASSETS?
CLICK THE LINK AND VOTE... more
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Lloyd Blankfein, Goldman Sachs Group Inc.’s chairman and chief executive officer, warned against raising base salaries on Wall Street under eight months before his own more than tripled to $2 million.
Goldman Sachs prefers paying compensation in bonuses that are contingent on the firm’s performance, rather than offering guarantees or high salaries, Blankfein said inside a June 16 interview with staff from the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission, a recording of which was made public this month. On Jan. 28, the New York-based firm disclosed it had raised salaries for Blankfein and four other top executives that had been $600,000.Lloyd Blankfein, Goldman Sachs Group Inc.’s chairman and chief executive... more
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Hu Jintao, the Chinese president, has been named the world’s most powerful person knocking Barack Obama off the top spot.
Barack Obama’s disastrous week was complete today when he was toppled from the number one spot as the ‘world’s most powerful man.’
Fresh from his battering in Tuesday’s mid-term elections, the President learned that Forbes magazine has named Chinese president Hu Jintao as the lead figure in the magazine’s Most Powerful People on Earth list.
President Obama came in second this year after topping the list last year, which was the first time Forbes began rating world figures on a power scale.
More: http://www.theblogismine.com/2010/11/05/barack-obama-is-no-longer-the-world-most-powerful-man/Hu Jintao, the Chinese president, has been named the world’s most powerful... more
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Several thousand demonstrators marched through the New York financial district this past week in a protest led by labor unions. They said Wall Street's biggest banks must account for record profits while average Americans still suffer financially.Several thousand demonstrators marched through the New York financial district this... more
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If there is a universal political sentiment in this country it's that there are far too many lobbyists. Some might quibble (primarily politicians and the lobbyists themselves) that lobbyists are a good thing. However, most everyone else sees them as carbuncles on the ass of society.If there is a universal political sentiment in this country it's that there are... more
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American International Group has paid another round of employee bonuses, worth about $100 million, a year after similar payments at the bailed-out insurance giant infuriated many Americans. Meanwhile, Goldman Sachs, another firm bailed out by US taxpayers, has just announced that its chief executive, Lloyd Blankfein, received a stock-based bonus of $9 million in 2009.American International Group has paid another round of employee bonuses, worth about... more
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Goldman's reputation is suddenly as toxic as the credit default swaps and other inexplicably exotic financial instruments it used to buy with glee. That's bad for the one thing it values more than anything else: business. Being the prime target for popular and political outrage could put Goldman first in line for draconian new regulation. So it has, reluctantly, decided that the time has come to speak out, to fight its corner. That's how, on one of those bright autumnal New York mornings when anything seems possible -- even an invitation to break bread with the masters of the universe -- I find myself walking past the security guard who held up Michael Moore and into the building with no name.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article6907681.eceGoldman's reputation is suddenly as toxic as the credit default swaps and other... more
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