tagged w/ Ben & Jerry
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During the winter break of my Sophomore year at the University of Nevada, Reno (go fighting Soft Sixteens!) I took a backpacking excursion through the inhospitable wilderness of the South American rainforest. I hiked for nine days with my trusty guide Tuo Uu-nu Eepchak. I was but a fool child, ill prepared for the conditions I would face in these endangered woods. Tuo became more than a guide to me, through our perilous journey he became mentor, teacher, father, lover, and the night that he boiled his freshly severed foot to provide us the nourishment we would need to see us home, I knew not to refuse the plate, and ate every last bite without once breaking eye contact.
As Tuo carried me, in an uncomfortable one footed hobble, back to civilization we collapsed, unable to journey any further. I was certain this was the end, so as to not let any of my brave friend go to waste, I began chewing on his left hand. As I drifted off into unconsciousness, suckling upon the sweet, caramel colored digit I was prepared to welcome death’s clammy embrace. But to my surprise I awoke again, laying on a straw thatch that a pungent combination of my profuse perspiration and seeping diarrhea had bedamped. Beside my bed of natural fibers sat a woman of indeterminate age and coffee complection. Her heavy, naked breast swayed gently as she reached into a loosely woven basket that sat in her lap, retrieved a single nut and carefully fed it through my cracked, blistered lips.
Over the next week I was nursed back to health by this plump, wizened woman and adopted by her tribe. I received a native name, “Kuh Naya”, which I chose to believe translated to “Brave Explorer” but which I knew was more likely to have meant “Oozer of Liquids”. My strength returned almost immediately as my diet of native legumes replenished my vitality. When I was finally well enough to resume my journey home I asked the elders for their permission to take a supply of their restorative food back to the states to offer the civilized world a chance at the restorative effect of these native people’s hidden miracle bounty. The elders refused, but I could not take no for an answer. As the tribe slept I filled my back pack and slipped off into the night.
Upon returning to Reno I packaged my ill gotten prize for presentation to a friend in the grocery business. I told him about my adventures in the jungle and my encounter with the natives and offered him a taste. The flavor assaulted his dulled western taste buds and the burst of vim and vigor shot through his body with one bite. He grasped at my collar, begging me for my secret, offering me anything in the world for this wonderful prize.
“What do you call these?” he pleaded, tears welling in his eyes.
With no small swell of pride I straightened up and smugly replied.
“These are the native nuts of the ancient and wise Haree tribe of South America.” I beamed. ”What you have in your mouth, are my Haree Nuts.”
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A group calling themselves One Million Moms is leading a boycott against Ben & Jerry’s over their new limited edition ice cream flavor based on a Saturday Night Live sketch; “Schweddy Balls”.
“The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive,” the group of humorless hags said. “Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.”
One Million Moms, a “division of the Mississippi-based American Family Association” also hates Ben & Jerry’s commemorative flavor “Hubby Hubby”, a special edition of “Chubby Hubby” celebrating gay marriage.
“It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry’s.
One Million Moms (which I am almost certain, does not consist of one million actual mothers) hate fun or gay ice creams.
People actually live their lives hating jokes, being offended by tasty frozen treats that don’t hate gays and threatening people that sell things that others rightfully don’t think are insulting them, that they’re not going to buy something that they likely weren’t buying in the first place. This is important to these people. It makes me want to punch everything, ever.
I do not know what my parents expected me to learn from the people of your planet when they launched my escape rocket only moments before my birth home exploded millions of miles from here. But what I have learned so far I do not like.
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For all your rickety, primered, windowless comedy needs, visit:
http://vanfullofcandy.comDuring the winter break of my Sophomore year at the University of Nevada, Reno (go... more
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"Bill Murray saw his shadow on Groundhog Day. That means we're in for another year of artsy-fartsy movies." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin is ready for spring February 28, 2011 at Cafe Diem Comedy Night in Richmond, VA. Andrew Pauley is the MC.
http://chrismartincomedy.com"Bill Murray saw his shadow on Groundhog Day. That means we're in for... more
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"He puts the 'ha' in 'Stendhal Syndrome.'" MC Gradt Mutge introduces stand-up comedian Chris Martin at the Midnight Suggestion, presented by Johnny Hugel and Steady Sounds February 24, 2011 in Richmond, VA.
http://chrismartincomedy.com"He puts the 'ha' in 'Stendhal Syndrome.'" MC Gradt... more
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"I'm going to read the fictional memoirs of a lovable alcoholic. I haven't decided whether it's going to be Snooki or George W. Bush." Stand-up comedian Chris Martin eases into 2011 in this set February 23 at Strange Matter in Richmond, VA.
http://chrismartincomedy.com"I'm going to read the fictional memoirs of a lovable alcoholic. I... more
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Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield wish a bill making its way through the Vermont Legislature had been law decades ago.
If they'd been allowed to set up as a benefit corporation their Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., the Vermont-based super premium ice cream maker, they might not have had to sell out to the British-Dutch conglomerate Unilever 10 years ago this week.
Benefit corporations are devoted to a triple bottom line of "people, planet and profits," said Andrea Cohen of Vermont Businesses for Social Responsibility.
Under legislation now proposed in Vermont and other states, they'd have their status as a benefit corporation — with an annual report on goals like environmental protection and community involvement — written into their charter. That would better enable them to dodge a takeover based purely on finances.
Sen. Hinda Miller, a principal sponsor of the Vermont legislation, said a benefit corporation could resist a takeover bid — and protect its social mission — even in the face of a lucrative price-per-share offer.
"It gives the board of directors the ability to say no to someone who is offering a good price for the stock," said Miller, a Democrat who represents Chittenden County. "They can say, 'Thanks for the great price, but we're not going to sell because we have obligations beyond the price of the stock.'"
To earn and maintain its status as a benefit corporation, a company would have to file an annual report, available for public review, listing and detailing progress toward goals like lowering carbon emissions, providing health care for part-time workers, or giving employees time off for community service.
Benefit corporation bills have been introduced in Maryland and Vermont, and are expected to get a hearing next year in Colorado, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Washington state, said Jay Coen Gilbert, co-founder of B Lab, a Philadelphia-area nonprofit promoting the benefit corporation idea. Similar legislation is expected to be filed in coming weeks in New York.
Maryland's has cleared both legislative houses of its Legislature and is awaiting action by the governor. Vermont's has passed the Senate and is expected to win House approval and then be signed by Gov. Jim Douglas.
Under traditional corporate law, a company's first duty is to maximize shareholder value. If Ben & Jerry's had declined the 2000 offer of $43.60 per share from Unilever — nearly 25 percent above Ben & Jerry's closing stock price a day earlier — it likely would have faced shareholder lawsuits, said Cohen and Greenfield, both now 59, in an interview.
As a benefit corporation, Cohen and Greenfield, hippie capitalists known for creating quirky flavors like Cherry Garcia and Chunky Monkey, would have been better situated legally to rebuff Unilever's offer and continue their tradition of holding a free folk-rock festival to coincide with their annual meeting.
READ MORE AT LINKBen Cohen and Jerry Greenfield wish a bill making its way through the Vermont... more
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Ben & Jerry’s is temporarily renaming popular “Chubby Hubby” ice cream “Hubby Hubby” beginning today to celebrate the start of legalized gay marriage in its home state of Vermont.
“The legalization of marriage for gay and lesbian couples in Vermont is certainly a step in the right direction, and something worth celebrating with peace, love - and plenty of ice cream,” Ben & Jerry’s CEO Walt Freese said in announcing the sugary switch.
Ben & Jerry’s, which has long backed liberal causes, plans to rebrand “Chubby Hubby” as “Hubby Hubby” for 30 days to show support for Vermont’s new law.
The move is mostly symbolic, as Burlington-based Ben & Jerry’s isn’t changing labels on “Chubby Hubby” pints sold in stores.Ben & Jerry’s is temporarily renaming popular “Chubby Hubby” ice... more
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