tagged w/ Sad Observations Made By John Lichman
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[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="600" caption="via Wikipedia"][/caption]
In a breaking exclusive that's more like a facepalm, it turns out the Academy Awards is going to become "progressive" and add another shocker to its' new ten-films-for-best-picture-nomination: they will ask voters to vote in order of importance and weigh the numbers differently. Also, water is a liquid and the sky is above us.
The Wrap sums up this glorious development with exclusive reporting on what many would argue is obvious:
Instead of just voting for one nominee, the way Academy members have almost always done on the final ballot, voters will be asked to rank all 10 nominees in order of preference -- and the results will be tallied using the complicated preferential system, which has been used for decades during the nominating process but almost never on the final ballot.
But don't forget, this is the Academy of Motion Picture and Sciences. This only effects Best Picture, so it isn't the most ground breaking of changes as "changing the color of a carpet" or "nixing that one unfunny music number" would be. Despite sounding like a sure-fire way to be fair, one voter's number one choice can easily be a major film not seen by 3/4s of the Academy Voters who--let's be fair--don't see nearly enough movies throughout the year. Sure, they'll watch whatever is released in the October/November months.
But earlier this year? You better hope firms are enclosing cash fees with their DVD screeners.
Anyway, my favorite part of the article comes at the very end:
Academy voters, by the way, don’t know about this yet.
Chances are, they still won't notice any change and a Paul Haggis film will win because that is "deep."
[TheWrap]
-John Lichman[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="600"... more
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This is the single most illegal and horribly wrong video I have ever put on this blog. Brett and Josh have no idea they are in it. I use every transition in my editing program. I steal content. I stole music from a YouTube clip.
Everything about this video is morally and professionally bad.
And that is what Wednesdays are like: morally and professionally bad.
So go home now.
-John Lichman
This is the single most illegal and horribly wrong video I have ever put on this... more
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Now that I've properly digested and thought about the latest sugar-coated production from Stephen Sommers--and read the requisite F.A.Q. from Topless Robot--I've started thinking more about G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Sure, it made a lot of money and caused Sommers himself to renounce film critics as being uncessary.
Who needs a critic when THE PEOPLE are more than willing to pony up their hard-earned cash to see Marlon Wayans act like an idiot while wearing knock-off Iron Man armor that Sommers designed ten years ago.
So, in effect, Stephen Sommers is right: "mainstream critics [aren't] relevant here, they have criticized themselves into irrelevancy."
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="500" caption="The Yearly Averages of Stephen Sommers' Films (via RottenTomatoes.com)"][/caption]
What difference does it make that his career Tomatometer is a defiant 10 percent? It means nothing because critics cannot judge the talent and spirit needed to adapt films like The Jungle Book (94 percent) or The Adventures of Huck Finn (58 percent.) Critics can't comprehend the work that Sommers produces, such as the classic Catch me...If You Can, which has no rating. That doesn't mean that it is so awful no critic wants to watch it, rather Sommers' genius cannot be comprehended by anyone who labels themself as such a contrarian.
Sommers' (and Paramount's) ultimate goal became clear: if Critics want to give negative reviews to something, then it only makes sense if they are forced to pay for being so negative. This is only common sense in today's economic climate.
Screening for select critics generates semi-positive buzz, such as on Rotten Tomatoes, especially it's legendary drop from 100 percent to 91 and then below. And again, both Sommers and Paramount are right--the only catch is it isn't at all what they mean. In their ideal world, shitty and lazy filmmaking for a consumer so culturally dead is the goal. When I was joking with Matt Prigge on Twitter about #GIdiocracy. There is such mindless fun in this movie that indulging your inner ten-year old isn't such a bad idea. In fact, it's such a great idea that " it was already dead."
Joe has nothing of merit and a plot that's easily picked apart, but this is argued as "a kid's movie" so it can be lazy when it comes to explanations and things like making sense. But think of Jon Favreau's Zathura, Elf and Iron Man: all three are kids' films and/or designed with a fanbase firmly in mind. And of course you can make the argument that Sommers is no Favreau.
That's fine. But don't argue these are movies made for "the common person" when they're so dumbed down that it is almost offensive in wrapping up plot details and "them vs. us" before putting your main villains behind bars to justify their "comeuppance." Critics are a necessary evil for Paramount and the Stephen Sommers of the world because without them complaining about how evil and mean a Critic can be, people will become satiate with G.I. ASS: THE MOVIE. THE EXPLOSION. THE SEQUEL in 2012.
Which really isn't all that much of a coincidence.
-John LichmanNow that I've properly digested and thought about the latest sugar-coated... more
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Video Games | G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra | Review
XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii
Apparently Paramount is a-okay with video game tie-ins to their terrible summer films be given unfavorable reviews by people in the U.S. as long as they haven't seen the film. But this tie-in game looks like it'll be an hour of fun before crushing reality sets in, like with most movie tie-in games (i.e. Iron Man, Transformers, Transformers Revenge of the Fallen and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Also, E.T.)
But still, the realization that the only actor to voice his character from the film in the game is Marlon Wayans? Depressing-er.
[Topless Robot]
-John Lichman
Video Games | G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra | Review
XBox 360 | Playstation 3 |... more
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HEY. YOU GUYS LIKE CAPITAL LETTERS, RIGHT? MAN, I LOVE CAPITAL LETTERS. IT MAKES SURE PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND THE SUBTLTIES OF MY IRONY.
LIKE THIS SHORT, HIPSTER JOB. BECAUSE, LIKE, IT'S A RE-TELLING OF THE BOOK OF JOB.
AND LIKE, THE SAME DUDE TALKS THROUGHOUT IT. AND GOD IS ZIGGY STARDUST. AND SATAN IS A DUDE WHO LIKES TO PEE IN BEER AND MAKE YOU DRINK IT.
AND THIS TAKES PLACE IN WILLIAMSBURG BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE IRONY AND BUZZFEED AND INTERNET JOKES LIVE.
CAPITAL LETTERS SURE DO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. AND YOU FEEL BETTER BECAUSE YOU GOT THIS JOKE.
ALSO YOU TOTALLY THOUGHT IT SAID "JOB" AND NOT "JOBE." FUNNY HA HA ANDREW BUJALSKI WTF LOLZ THE YOUNG.
[BUZZFEED]
-JOHN LICHMAN
HEY. YOU GUYS LIKE CAPITAL LETTERS, RIGHT? MAN, I LOVE CAPITAL LETTERS. IT MAKES... more
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The irony when you lay off a lot of people? Your product will start to suck, New York Observer.
Even with the keen, Defamer approved critical insight of Rex Reed.
[NYO]
-John Lichman
The irony when you lay off a lot of people? Your product will start to suck, New... more
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Man, do I love press junkets. They're like tiny little bastions of bat-shit crazy wrapped around a movie release. If you're not aware of how a majority of the quote-whore sausage is made, allow me to rip back the curtains like a curtain ripper. A press junket is basically a day's worth of dog and pony show where PR firms bring out talent for an upcoming film, namely a director and some actors among others, feed journalists and then have a Q&A session.
It's really quite harmless: think of it like a White House Reporter Pool but then everyone runs onto the Internet screaming "EXCLUSIVE QUOTES FROM A STAR ABOUT A MOVIE THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE MADE!"
Back in New York, the little sandwiches at The Regency were fantastic. When I was a younger man, a press junket was like a treasure trove of meals and free bottled water for me. Sure, there's a comparison to be made about struggling reporters and college students, but that's for another post.
This past Saturday, there was a junket whose horror only was hinted at. Todd Gilchrist attended the junket for Orphan. And so did two supposedly whacked-out reporters who babbled inane questions at the talent. But my favorite?
I wanted to ask, it seems like this movie has really two incredibly stupid people in it. The shrink, who doesn't get anything and is totally clueless, she's the total opposite of what we might see on In Treatment or this Kevin Spacey movie called Shrink, and is that a conscious thing to sit there and discredit psychiatry. You talked about psychological aspects of the movie, and so you wanted to say that these people are jerks and stupid and don't get anything. And also the dumb daddy, the stupidest white person we've seen in a movie in a long time...What about that? Was that always a part of the script? Was that something you added and is it meant to be slightly humorous or campy as part of the story?
Genius. Definitely check out the rest. Between this one, Andrew O'Hehir's Lord of the Rings whirlwind and the Onion A.V. Club's Idle Hands Junket Experience, there is definite proof junkets are fantastic--at failing. Read the other four gems at Cinematical.
-John Lichman
Man, do I love press junkets. They're like tiny little bastions of bat-shit... more
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Routinely on the Internet, people comment on articles. Sometimes, they may even know how to write a sentence or two. Maybe they can even use "teh HTMLZ" and know how to run a script or two. Other times, it involves basic ettique and knowing how to use your website.
On the Movies page at Current, I like to think that we completely outline what we want submitted there. From my little bio:
[B]reaking movie news, interviews with the industry, trends in film, new trailers and film-related conversation. but just because you have a moving set of pictures, or a gaggle of gossip shots, doesn’t mean it’s right for us.
One assumes that speaks for itself. And if it doesn't fit with the format I want for the Channel, then I merely untag your article. It is that simple. So what's good? Details about the God of War movie, Natalie Portman starring in Thor, or even the 10 Deadliest Creatures in Movies. What we don't want are things that just have moving pictures, no matter how blunt your definition of "Movies" is.
What isn't applicable is something like this submission from a user that features a video presentation from a speaker. Now this is relevant for News and lord knows what else. But it isn't relevant to Movies and attempting to argue that with the following comment is why this is a GREAT MOMENT IN INTERNET COMMENTING from User IAmFree:
jlichman..actually a movie is motion picture..nothing more nothing less...just because you have your limited scope on doesnt [sic] change the fact..does the content have pictures in motion along with audio?yes adding a movie tag is not inappropriate at all...btw its just a tag man..stop abusing your little current powers douche..thanks
Remember everyone, people who use your website know more about it than you do. Also, don't abuse your little current powers douche or else something bad will happen.
-John Lichman
Routinely on the Internet, people comment on articles. Sometimes, they may even... more
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So, Michael Jackson has died. While we should all take a moment in honor of Captain EO, which Karina points out is available entirely on YouTube, I felt it was important to remember the King of Pop in his own way.
By posting the hilarious post-mortem collection of groups dancing to Thriller.
Enjoy the Zombie Dance!
[youtube LbvP7dT3Dx0]
In Prison!
[youtube hhbYxXg7p-A]
In Movies!
[youtube YT6InvLJUzA]
In Weddings!
[youtube LbvP7dT3Dx0]
In India!
-John LichmanSo, Michael Jackson has died. While we should all take a moment in honor of Captain... more
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As you've likely heard, Farrah Fawcett is dead. But the saddest thing is that she will only be remembered for two reasons.
1. Charlie's Angels.
2. Posing nude in Playboy ('95, '97) and the above poster that dominated the lives of men throughout the ages.
To feel better about yourself and her career, read Edward Copeland' retrospective on the late actress.
-John LichmanAs you've likely heard, Farrah Fawcett is dead. But the saddest thing is that she... more
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Maybe you didn't hear the news today, but The Hot Girl is reportedly cast in an undefined role in a movie!
Of course, when The Hot Girl is Oliva Munn, geek-chic goddess on Attack of the Show and the undefined role in a movie involves Iron Man, it suddenly becomes news. But let's dissect WHY this isn't important.
A) Munn is a known figure in certain circles. Picture related.
B) Do you remember who else had a role in the first Iron Man? Ghostface Killah. Didn't see him? Man, you should've bought the DVD for the deleted scene he was in.
C) This does not effect anything and no one will believe it. For proof, see my instant interview with my friend and fellow Internet-er, Ben Joseph.
-John Lichman
Maybe you didn't hear the news today, but The Hot Girl is reportedly cast in... more
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[youtube 2T5_0AGdFic]
And we're horribly lazy today. Sorry.
I just got back from CineVegas this morning and will have one of them old-fashioned round-ups plus reviews of some movies you have to see, should see and never, ever even say the name of because if you do fire and brimstone will rain upon your head as punishment for seeing such horror.
In return, check out this clip from the Movies channel in which classic films are remade into horribly different genres.
-John Lichman[youtube 2T5_0AGdFic]
And we're horribly lazy today. Sorry.
I just got back... more
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There are no words to prepare you for this. But as a bit of background: the Wachowski Brothers' next film is Ninja Assassin, which is about CGI and doing really awesome fight sequences featuring Korean pop star Rain. They previously worked together on Speed Racer. Also, it doesn't hurt that having him in your movie suddenly promises that you'll have thousands of screaming girls flock to your movie if he's shirtless.
And apparently, at some point, Rain mentioned there were Korean Ninjas.
Let's begin:
Listen me carefully, Mr.Wachowski brothers;
I am not japanese,
I am Turkish,
I am not racist or ethnocentrist too,
but;
I am very angry about yours and your actor's(rain) descriptions about Ninja culture!
I am sorry,We never watch this movie!...Never!
let me explain it why?
Rain said in his latest interview:'Ninja is not just part of Japanese culture there is also Korean Ninjas'
'''Korean Ninjas!'''...what a shameful statement!...what a big lie!
Firstly;In Japanese history, a ninja is a warrior specially trained in a variety of unorthodox arts of war. These include assassination, illusion, espionage, and various martial arts.
There is no connection between Korean culture and Ninjas!...
do you understand that!
You have to show your respects for Japan's historicity...
Firstly;In Japanese history, a ninja is a warrior specially trained in a variety of unorthodox arts of war. These include assassination, illusion, espionage, and various martial arts.
There is no connection between Korean culture and Ninjas!...
do you understand that!
You have to show your respects for Japan's historicity...
Secondly;Mr.Waschowski brothers,your Matrix series,Speed Racer and Ninja assassin are based on the Japanese animes and mangas.
so that is why you have to respect to Japanese culture,Mr.Wachowskis,
So Tell me;why you use a Korean actor(rain) in this Japanese named movie...!!!
ok,you prefer a korean rather than a japanese actor...I did not like this choice though I accept your decision...
But Mr.Wachowskis,Why your actor RAIN explains that Ninja is not Japan culture!
did you believe that,he said 'Ninja is not japan culture',
Oh my god,
I said before,I am not japanese but I hurt so much...
I am really very angry,
Wachowski brothers know how to earn money on the Japanese culture,that is ok,but
why they could not control their actor's wrong statements!
what is this irreverence!
please,please,please
Do not touch the historical truths,
Respect the soul of Ninja,because Ninja is spirits of Japan!
and,
do not forget,Ninja is the very important part of japan culture,
there is no interest and connections between Ninja and korean culture...!
And my last words is to Mr.Rain;
'Mr.Rain,please do not speak about Japanese culture!'
SUMMARY OF THIS BOARD
1-Japanese market is one of the biggest market for Hollywood, and Japanese watch the movie illegal very rarely. So if I am the person in charge for the promotion, I'll let Rain correct his statement. With just a simple correction they can avoid the damage (nobody knows how serious or how slight it is).
2-We have strong Ninjutsu comminities and very active,impressive cinema club!
We have enough power to starting very powerful boycotting and effectual protesting action against this movie!
3-Me and all my friends will protest this movie,
we will not watch until to hearing about their correction,
if you don't care about us,
if you laugh us,
if you think that we are unimportant,
if you underestimate us,
ok,no problem...
Because we will fight for our case until the end of our abilities.
and I am not Japanese,
I just fight for that what I believe...
4-if they CORRECT THEIR STATEMENTS everything will be ok.
5-I think you don't have an idea about 'the box office power of Japan',
ok let me remind yo again,
did you know the box office of The Last Samurai was 140.000.000 dollar in Japan!
and,
did you know the box office of the last Samurai was 110.000.000 dollar in USA!
CAN YOU SEE THE DANGER FOR PRODUCERS OF NINJA ASSASSIN,
CAN YOU SEE THE POWER OF JAPAN AUIDENCES?
OK,let me remind you again about box office of 'speed racer'in japan,
JUST 3million dollars,
can you see big difference between the box office of 'Last Samurai' and 'Speed Racer'...Can you really see it?...are you sure?
AND,
also I have a very big boycott plan for Turkey,my country,
Turkey has very big box office potential too,
JUST,
I hope,the producers will read this message board and correct their actor's statements!...I just hope for them not for us!
[imdb]
-John Lichman
There are no words to prepare you for this. But as a bit of background: the... more
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[youtube wii34CU1n7M]
After the news broke this morning that The New York Observer would rather fire all of its' decent staff than produce a worthwhile newspaper, many on the Tweet-O-Sphere commented that Rex Reed wasn't fired. This is despite the fact that Reed is old, cankerous and horribly racist to the point of parody.
But who IS Rex Reed?
Well, gather around you unlucky few who clicked the link and I'll tell you!
He's a cankerous old man now that used to be a saucy bit of Sixties Swinger in an argyle suit. Bam. End of story. But he's notable enough for his roles in Superman, Inchon! and famously as pre-op Myron in Myra Breckinridge. The irony of the character "teaching" film history shouldn't be lost on anyone. Nor should you deny yourself the chance to see this film. But he also had a catty style that was perfect for "the old days."
He's also a long-standing film and arts critic who could be found at Vogue, GQ, Holiday, New York Daily News, New York Post, New York Observer and on the syndicated TV show, At The Movies. Reed, despite his penchant for facepalming statements, has been around long enough to matter. Unfortunately, he's never really matured or grown past being saucy. Now it's turned into being bitchy and whiny more than anything.
Reed infamously started his review of Park Chan-wook's OldBoy with:
For sewage in a cocktail shaker, there is Oldboy, a noxious helping of Korean Grand Guignol as pointless as it is shocking. What else can you expect from a nation weaned on kimchi, a mixture of raw garlic and cabbage buried underground until it rots, dug up from the grave and then served in earthenware pots sold at the Seoul airport as souvenirs?
Shockingly, the Observer does not have this review on their website. Filmbrain has done his part in tweeting #RexReed into my morning reading list.
Our favorites?
"Pure undiluted crap, this is the worst movie since Synecdoche, New York."
Reed on The Limits of Control.
"Unfortunately, all of the really great people to interview are dead--Hitler. That would be a great interview."
No idea about this context.
and finally:
"He is like the perennial child: spoiled, grumpy, and rude, precocious in some ways and deficient in others......the child who refuses to respond to potty training and is therefore destined to go through life in a catharsis of oral-anal hysteria. As a critic, he reminds me of one of those tragic people who has to open his mouth in order to move his bowels." Bob Guccione on Rex Reed
Yet once again, THE FUTURIST comes in with our favorite (fake) Rex Reed line:
"I'm up for the Glenn Kenny role in the THE BOYFRIEND EXPERIENCE, the sequel to THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE. I can act."
-John Lichman[youtube wii34CU1n7M]
After the news broke this morning that The New York Observer... more
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Really. Wonder what Duncan Jones thinks about this awesome ad placement.
(Thanks Vlad)
-John Lichman
Really. Wonder what Duncan Jones thinks about this awesome ad placement.
(Thanks... more
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My only hope: Caleb Goellner wrote this at gunpoint.
Based on the “Pet Force” series of children’s books by Garfield creator Jim Davis, the heroic team comes from an alternate reality where Garfield’s cast members are costumed crime fighters with codenames like Odious, Abnermal and Starlene. After these heroes are banished by a villain to a kind of phantom zone, the far less heroic Garfield and friends are summoned by Emperor Jon and Sorcerer Binky to replace the lost champions and save both realities. Think “Crisis On Infinite Earths” with more cuteness and less dying.
This is not only a drastic change from a cat comic strip that was so utterly boring it inspired two parodies (GarfieldminusGarfield and <a href="www.lasagnacat.com/"Lasagna Cat) that were worlds better than it.
This is like taking Cathy and turning her into a superhero whose sole power it is to be even more annoying while wearing a mask.
This travesty is released straight to (bargain bin) DVD in a few weeks. Pray to whatever creature you worship that it gets lost en route to Wal-Mart.
-John Lichman
My only hope: Caleb Goellner wrote this at gunpoint.
Based on the “Pet... more
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Set reports aren't anything new if you're even remotely involved in reporting. They're the entertainment journalism equivalent of a press briefing or luncheon with a political candidate.
The only difference is there are occasional explosions, swag bags and lots of handshake promises that you'll never ever break the dreaded embargo. In fact, set reports were primarily the bread and butter behind old genre magazines like Starlog and Fangoria, who would send their freelancers and staff to upcoming horror films--months in advance--to prep a story for later in the year.
And then the Internet came along and made filing a set report as fast as saying "Bob's your Un--."
But what's the point? Hype, mainly. Set reports are our first look at the world of blockbuster films that won't be out for nearly another year or so. And this is no different--yesterday, Marvel and Paramount invited a bunch of online outlets to come, tour the set, do a roundtable interview, have a few words with talent and then get a swag bag for their efforts.
This is nothing new. Remember that.
But here's what is: running the fact you were at a top-secret event with a total of eight publications and then saying you can't actually talk about it--until Friday at noon. What a gyp.
And then the other seven sites decide to do the same thing. Why? Because god forbid there's a surprise left in the world of GOTJA!!! entertainment writing, or whatever absurd headline Finke uses these days. So far, my personal favorite may be Beaks from AICN who lump-sums the entire concept:
All set visits are not created equal. Sometimes, you get everything: interviews with the director and cast, an all-access tour of the sets, the opportunity to watch the shooting of a crucial scene, a cameo and a filet mignon for lunch. Other times, you're left roasting under a brutal Albuquerque sun waiting on a promised ten minutes with Corbin Bernsen that turns into a contentious phoner two weeks later.
There's the admitance that he was asked and would honor the embargo due to wanting invites to future invites, i.e. Captain America, Thor, Avengers, etc. It's completely understandable. He's also the only writer to acknowledge director of photography Matthew Libatique (Reqiuem for a Dream, Pi, The Fountain, Inside Man) and his meticulous efforts to have Robert Downey [REDACTED].
That's pretty annoying, right? JoBlo's report is too:
We were the first press allowed to step inside and see what was happening with Tony Stark. And after we arrived and sat down with Marvel’s Kevin Feige, he spoke about the future of Marvel and of course, IRON MAN. After this nice long conversation, we made way for the set. And now for the bad news… I can’t share anything that we saw until further down the road, you have to wait a little while for more details.
But it also marks the first of many allusions of the Challenge Coin:
He even shared a story with us about what they call a “challenge coin” which is bestowed on others in the name of respect. He then proceeded to honor each of us with one he had specially made for us. You will be hearing about this and much more as soon as we can expand upon our visit. But I will say that Jon is easily one of the most down to earth and friendly fellas in the business. Honestly, he makes you feel like a welcome guest as he shares with you as much as he possibly can.
MTV's Splash Page did the old fashioned trick and used singular pro-nouns instead of plural:
Favreau was about as nice a host as you could ask for, giving generously of his time and even presenting me with an Iron Man “Challenge Coin.” After touring around the world, Favs had received these coins from several men in the military as a sign of appreciation for his hard work on the first film. As a result, the director had his own limited-edition Challenge Coins created – with the “Iron Man” logo on one side and the “S.H.I.E.L.D.” logo on the other. It’s very cool — and no, I won’t sell it to you.
IESB explained the point of the Challenge Coin (tl;dr: Navy used them to score free drinks;) Superhero Hype mentions the new suit; IGN made a strange comparison between entertainment journalists and directors being akin to athletes and sports reporters. This phrase is repeated in CHUD's teaser as well, making it apparent that Favreau said this to ease the tension between online outlets and the last Marvel franchise to come out this year (Wolverine). Especially since Fox notoriously lied to an outlet with the claim of reshoots being underway.
But Devin Faraci also had the most poigant thing to add to this set report teaser:
As for the movie itself: what we saw being filmed wasn't even cloe [sp] to enough to make any sort of judgment, but I definitely liked what I heard (and the little clues I picked up). There's a lot going on in Iron Man 2, and I think the bigger scope (in terms of action and in terms of character) is going to get people really excited. And I suspect that if you're going to be at Comic Con you'll want to camp out in Hall H so you can guarantee a look at what Favreau is bringing to San Diego this year.
Regardless, we'll still check back tomorrow to hear about the tease after today's tease in order to tease about stuff that won't show up until the San Diego Comic Con next month.
But we have a sneaking suspicion that those "Challenge Coins" will undoubtedly show up in real life, play a part in the movie, or forever live as a cool little press trinket.
-John Lichman
Set reports aren't anything new if you're even remotely involved in... more
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There are times in every newspaper's existence that failure simply happens. No matter how valiantly you struggle, hard you push the subject or attempt to get the scoop; you will inevitably fail.
Or if you're a small-town paper where an uninteresting/Canadian film is shooting and you're denied access on set, you let your readers know that you've failed them. In an editorial titled: DEAR READERS: WE’RE VERY, VERY SORRY
Because we’re only a small, community newspaper without as much clout as large daily newspapers run by big corporations or nightly entertainment shows, we weren’t able to bring you the full story on the movie shoot taking place west of town.
For that, we’re sorry.
It gets better.
...or that, when cameras began to roll last week, we were given a watered down media release and a photograph of Paul Gross while a provincial daily newspaper received access to the set, interviews with the director and producer and a chat with the film’s star.
Now, it’s wonderful this film is being produced on our doorstep.
Cast and crew members are giving a boost to our hospitality industry, local trades people are being employed for the production and Osoyoos is getting some well-deserved attention.
This was a good news story that the Osoyoos Times was ravenous about sharing with curious readers who now know about as much about the production as we do.
Some might say that this argument is coming across as whining in that we didn’t get the same treatment and attention from the production as other media sources.
But this is something happening in our backyard and we played by the rules to keep good relations with the people making this film.
So, this leads me to a very important question:
How in the fuck do you pronounce Osoyoos?
-John Lichman
There are times in every newspaper's existence that failure simply happens.... more
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Of course, we all know the MTV Movie Awards happened on Sunday. But mad props to Pitchfork for finding the best guide to behind-the-scenes coverage at the wank fest professionally lauded event. So who was it?
Was it MTV's hand-picked Insider Shelly? Was it one of the countless "exclusives" held by the MTV staff? Was it you?
No, silly! It was LCD Soundsystem's James Murphy and his "tv star friend." The full thing is on Murphy's Myspace, but we're blown away by the following part:
8. talking for 2 minutes with ben stiller about something totally unrelated to the mtv movie awards while at the mtv movie awards makes people audibly say "who is that talking to stiller??" in total, unselfconscious earshot of the subject (me) while said subject (still me) walks back to the bar area. they'll actually point.
8b. being at an event thrown by a company called "music television" pretty much ensures that you will not be recognized by anyone at all except for the people you show up with, previously know, and danny mcbride.
and:
11. chris isaacs likes his dog.
but if James had to sum it all up into an emotional kicker about life, love and happiness? What would it be?
i think like being a largely anonymous dude in a weird band that most people don't know about. it's nice. i wouldn't want to be a movie star. i mean, i feel like i knew that, but it's good to have your feelings validated like that once in a while. because it's easy to sit back and say "i wouldn't want to be a movie star" when it's totally not a salient point... but being there, with everything seeming so easy for them, still didn't make me want any of it. except the free stuff.
-John Lichman
Of course, we all know the MTV Movie Awards happened on Sunday. But mad props to... more
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It recently came to our attention that someone in a script-writing course must really be into the number nine. Because it's showing up everywhere we look, no matter the region, the location, the story or the premise! You can't pop open a web browser these days without running into the number, whether it's written out or a part of another title. We're ready to join Twitch: Nein to Nine!
In fact, it's getting on a near-psychosis level that we're running into it. But why!? Let's take a gander at the films coming out that have decided to rally themselves around this number:
[youtube OnoJecu9e7c]
9
To Be Released: 9/9/2009
What's The Point: A post-apocalyptic thriller by way of Little Big Planet, Shane Acker's CGI film takes place after we're made aware this is a co-production between Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov (Night Watch). The cast is comprised of known names (Elijah Wood, John C. Reilly, Jennifer Connelly, Martin Landau, Crispin Glover) providing voices for our tiny, strung-together crew who are the last hope for Earth's survival after an unknown event. To counter-act their patchwork steampunk cuteness, they are chased by ROBOTS. And loud, swelling music plays a lot.
Why Use The Number: If the credits are to be seen, there are in fact nine members of the patchwork doll crew.
[youtube MJpwwdOomtY]
Nine
To Be Released: 11/25/2009
What's The Point: A Rob Marshall (Chicago) "musical" backed by The Weinstein Company as they desperately try to score a hit off the holiday season. Daniel-Day Lewis plays a fictional director based off Federico Fellini and an interpretation of 8 1/2. Then famous actresses show up. But one part of the press release had us cackling. See if you can tell:
...while balancing the numerous women in his life including his wife (Marion Cotillard), his mistress (Penelope Cruz), his film star muse (Nicole Kidman), his confidant and costume designer (Judi Dench), an American fashion journalist (Kate Hudson), the whore from his youth (Fergie) and his mother (Sophia Loren).
Why Use The Number: Seriously though, Maury Yeston, who wrote the music and lyrics for the original musical, claims that his work paired with the material he took from 8 1/2n would make...NINE.
[youtube KQiCmO7lVoA]
$9.99
To Be Released: 11/25/2009
What's The Point: Godless stop-motion puppets live as horrendous abominations against religion, wondering why their lord and creator has forsaken them. Or--it's a slice of life film as shown through stop-motion where their eyes show no emotion except for water dripped onto their clay faces. Oh, and there's a book one of the characters reads that promises the meaning of life.
Why Use The Number: The book costs $9.99. And in the end, the meaning of life is to buy a ticket to the film, realize you overpaid, curse God and become a film critic.
[current 90029810]
District 9
To Be Released: 8/14/09
What's The Deal: Neill Blomkamp made one of the more impressive looking comparisons to racism with this pseudo-documentary about a South African journalist investigating the titular district, which is made up of humans and literal aliens who came to Earth seeking sanctuary--only to find themselves forced into labor and being stripped of their technology. Originally based on his short, Alive in Joburg.
Why Use The Number: Because Districts 1-8 were taken.
[youtube nfpQGJYCQNE]
9
To Be Released: n/a
What's The Deal: Like Ju-On, The Grudge and countless other Asian horror films with soaking wet young girls with long black hair--only this time it's Thai!
Why Use The Number: Some nonsense about visiting nine shrines to get nine blessings to have overtly loud scream-gags and a creepy looking hag-child knock over your water bowl.
So remember! If you're writing a script or making a short film, just say:
NEIN TO NINE.
-John LichmanIt recently came to our attention that someone in a script-writing course must really... more
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