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Understanding Asexuality from the Outside
Asexual Visibility and Education Network
A friend who rarely mentions sex has not had any in at least a decade. It has always seemed odd to me, but he is someone I really care for, and I accept him as he is.
When I discovered the AVEN board, I put two and two together and got asexuality. I did not want to confront my friend over something he might not be comfortable talking about, but I did want to let him know that I was asexual-friendly.
Unable to concoct a better plan, I sent a FYI e-mail to a dozen friends, letting them know that I was reading very interesting threads on the AVEN board. I even sent links to some of my favorites. My e-mail was not for the other eleven; it went to them so my friend would not think I was singling him out.
He wrote back a few days later, saying he had looked over the board and found it fascinating. He also said he wished he had been born asexual, as that would have made his life easier.
O.K., he is not asexual.
Two days later I received e-mail from a different friend, one of the eleven. He said he had always suspected he was asexual.
I was floored. Friend number two goes on and on about crushes on TV personalities, and I had long ago chalked him up as a typical heterosexual male. Of course, now that I understand asexuality, I know that asexuals may or may not be romantically oriented and may or may not fantasize about fictional characters. I should have known better than to stereotype.
I am really embarrassed to admit this, but my stereotyping goes further. My friend is a very good looking guy, and I suppose I assumed that guys who look like that have a harem of women at their beck and call. And here I pride myself on being a male feminist... Shame on me! And double shame on me for assuming that a handsome man could not be asexual, as physical appearance and asexuality have nothing to do with each other. If handsome men are by definition sexual, then what does that make asexual men? Triple shame on me.
My stereotype says a lot about my values as a sexual despite my efforts not to overvalue physical appearance. Logically speaking, why is it impossible for a Tyra Banks or a Brad Pitt to be asexual? To deny the possibility is to deny the worth of asexuals, to say that sexuality and beauty alone define who a person is.
And here, having reached the semi-ripe old age of 41, I thought myself wise. I clearly have a lot to learn, and the AVEN board is a good place to start. Asexual Visibility and Education Network ... more -
24 year old: "We're married, we just don't have sex"
As an asexual couple, Paul Cox and his wife aren't physically attracted to each other or other people yet enjoy a fulfilling partnership.
In this article, he gives a first person account of how it felt to grow up without the usual teenage lust, life without sex and how his friends and family took to the news of his asexuality. As an asexual couple, Paul Cox and his wife aren't physically attracted to each other or other people yet enjoy a fulfilling part... more -
Asexual humans?
Birds do it, bees do it. But not necessarily all of them. Among bees the sisters of queens do not engage in sex. And in certain species of birds - Florida scrub jays, for one - some individuals, known as helpers, do not breed but only help the breeders raise their offspring.
But could indifference to sex extend to humans, too? An increasing number of people say yes and offer themselves as proof. They describe themselves as asexual, and they call their condition normal, not the result of confused sexual orientation, a fear of intimacy or a temporary lapse of desire. They would like the world to understand that they can live their entire lives happily without ever having sex.
"People think they need to convert you," said Cijay Morgan, 42, a telephone saleswoman in Edmonton, Alberta, and a self-professed asexual. "They can understand if you don't like country music or onion rings or if you aren't interested in learning how to whistle, but they can't accept someone not wanting sex. What they don't understand is that a lot of asexuals don't wish to be quote-unquote fixed."
Considering the pervasive advertising for drugs to enhance sexual performance, the efforts to market a testosterone patch to boost sexual desire in women and the ubiquity of sexual references in pop culture, it is not surprising that those professing no sex drive whatever have been misunderstood, or at least overlooked. Only one scientific survey seems to have been done. And many experts in human sexuality, when told there is a growing Internet community of people calling themselves asexual, say they have not heard of it. Yet most of those experts find the concept unsurprising.
Three-fourths of the patients who go to the Center for Sexual Medicine at Boston University lack any sex drive, said Dr. Irwin Goldstein, its director, who is also the editor of The Journal of Sexual Medicine. "We call that H.S.D.D., hypoactive sexual desire disorder," he said.
Lack of interest in sex is not necessarily a disorder nor even a problem, however, Dr. Goldstein quickly added, unless it causes distress, if it leads, for instance, to conflict within a marriage or romantic relationship.
Dr. John Bancroft, the recently retired director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University, said, "I think it would be very surprising if there weren't asexuals, if you look at it from a Kinseyan perspective, that there's this huge variation in human sexuality."
[more article in link] Birds do it, bees do it. But not necessarily all of them. Among bees the sisters of queens do not engage in sex. And in certain specie... more -
http://Hey,i'm asexual
detoutmoncoeur
Ok. I'm really new. I've had a live journal forever, but I rarely use it. I only decided to get on here again because I saw this group.
Recently, I have been questioning myself. I know I'm different, but I don't know if I am truly asexual. I do not want to offend anyone here by claiming I am asexual if I really am not, but I would appreciate if anyone can help me.
I have always been attracted to the opposite sex (males, for me), but whenever I have a "crush" I just have this overwhelming desire for them to care about me emotionally. It seems like the whole world revolves around finding a sexual partner. However, I find the idea of sex truly uninteresting, and I'm even disgusted by it sometimes. I have tried to talk to my friends about it, but none of them understand and most of them treat me like a child because I am not interested in sex. I'm in college, and I have never had a sexual experience. My friends all say that once I do, I'll think differently about it, but I can't even see myself getting anywhere near a sexual situation.
I never go looking for any type of sex, because I have no desire to. The only time I even came close to a physical relationship, was when I made out with my first boyfriend. I never told anyone, but it just didn't feel right. I kept telling myself I wanted to kiss him, but when I actually did, I didn't like it. Afterward, I tried to pretend it was just because it was my first time kissing, but I've never forgotten that feeling. This may sound strange or melodramatic, but it was like I had betrayed myself.
After a while, I toyed with the idea that maybe I was bisexual, and that was what was causing this. However, I quickly realized I'm not at all attracted to girls. Lately, I've been wondering if there is just something psychologically wrong with me, like if I am afraid of intimacy or that it really is just because I've never tried it. But I've been like this as long as I can remember, even when I was a little girl.
Recently, I heard about asexuality and thought that maybe I have my answer. But I have my doubts. I sometimes fantasize about semi-sexual experiences and I have been aroused. But when I actually seriously consider it, I know I do not want to have any form of sex.
Like I said, I don't want to offend anyone. I am just very confused and wonder if anyone has any input.
Thanks. detoutmoncoeur ... more -
Keeping up with The Smiths
Sometimes it’s better to be a cult legend than a stadium-filling anthem band. That’s certainly the case for The Smiths, paragons of jangly guitar rock and nonsense lyrics that dominated the indie side of the radio for much of the ’80s. Morrissey and company might just be the most perfect band of their time.
Notice that I didn’t say the best band of the Eighties. That title would belong to R.E.M., who share many things in common with the Smiths (a sexually ambiguous front man, a gifted guitarist, and a great rhythm section that often goes unnoticed). But the Smiths knew when to quit; they closed down in 1987, torn asunder by the classic “irreconcilable differences” that have ground many a career to a halt. Given 20 years have gone by since the world last twirled around with gladiolas in their back pocket and wondered if they really were miserable now their girlfriend was in a coma — why should anyone give a damn about the Smiths?
Because their fan base is still fervent and growing, that’s why. When I say I’m a Smiths fan, that doesn’t mean I bought all of their records when they came out. I was in grade school, incubated by whatever was big on the radio at the time (Huey Lewis seems to have been the soundtrack of my youth), and I didn’t know Morrissey from Morris the Cat. Not until I got to college, which was some 10 years after Morrissey and Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr last shared a stage.
My first roommate in college was a Phish fan, a pothead, and a late sleeper. I had morning classes and a penchant for stealing the newspapers my frat neighbors had delivered to their dorm room because I was passive-aggressive about getting back at them for their loud, drunken parties. When I moved out the following semester, my second roommate was a fan of everything ’80s, and the music of Manchester, England, in particular. Thanks to his influence, I picked up a used copy of “The Queen is Dead,” and it also served as a gateway drug to the other great bands that came out of England during the decade best known for narrow ties and Eddie Murphy movies.
But that’s not the whole story. Morrissey is still making music, and good music too (from what I’ve heard). Recently, he played a show in Atlanta to a packed audience, including many kids who were way too young to even know The Smiths back in the day. Hell, Morrissey (the celibate vegan who flaunts his asexuality like no other) is huge with Latino gang members in Los Angeles, according to SPIN magazine.
That’s saying something for a band that’s been off the radar since the Reagan administration. And their influence is most apparent on Belle and Sebastian (who share a penchant for weird album covers and copious singles with the indie legends). Last year, Marr became a member of Modest Mouse. How soon before a reunion, you ask? Probably never, considering the vicious battle over royalties that put the band back in the spotlight in 2001. But as long as there are misunderstood kids looking for music that speaks to them, The Smiths will never go out of fashion Sometimes it’s better to be a cult legend than a stadium-filling anthem band. That’s certainly the case for The Smiths, paragons of ja... more -
No Sex,Thanx!
In a world where sex sells everything from food and clothing to tropical holidays and real estate, sexual desire is considered a common currency.
But ever tried buying a soda pop in Mexico with Japanese Yen, or a lap dance in Las Vegas with pounds or pesos? In a world where sex sells everything from food and clothing to tropical holidays and real estate, sexual desire is considered a commo... more -
Burcu Sufi Demirturk, Turkish Asexual Beauty...
She is Founder of Turkish Asexuals. Others, such as Demirturk, take a different approach. She is beautiful and she lives in a muslim country.
For the asexual people who have not visited Turkey before, the first step should be getting familiar with the asexual culture. The asexual culture of Turkey is fairly different than the asexual culture of the western countries, as is the case with the general Turkish culture. Turkey, being situated at the intersection of Europe and Asia geographically, was effected both by the western and oriental cultures. Example,Turkey is the only Muslim country where homosexuality is not illegal. This difference might be good or bad depending on your expectations for turkish asexuals, but one thing is for sure: It is very vivacious and interesting. So being Burcu Sufi Demirturk cannot be easy in Turkey. She is Founder of Turkish Asexuals. Others, such as Demirturk, take a different approach. She is beautiful and she lives in a muslim c... more -
Asexual and Proud
short video related to asexuality, starring: david jay, founder of aven (asexual visibility and education network).
for more videos related to asexuality visit: http://pl.youtube.com/group/aventube (youtube group related to asexuality)
my youtube profile: http://pl.youtube.com/fonfeluch
for more information about asexuality visit: http://www.asexuality.org/ (growing aven community in different countries) short video related to asexuality, starring: david jay, founder of aven (asexual visibility and education network). ... more -
Asexuality, short and essential (from montel show)
short video about asexuality, asexuals, asexual couples, rlationships, asexual love...
great overview on issue of asexuality, showing that sex and love are two different things.
for more videos related to asexuality visit: http://pl.youtube.com/group/aventube (youtube group related to asexuality)
my youtube profile: http://pl.youtube.com/fonfeluch
for more information about asexuality visit: http://www.asexuality.org/ short video about asexuality, asexuals, asexual couples, rlationships, asexual love... ... more -
Asexual Love (take 2)
short video about asexual love and joy, related to asexuality and aseuxal relationships,
this video shows that love and sex are two different things, it does not contain any explicit scenes.
for more videos related to asexuality visit: http://pl.youtube.com/group/aventube (youtube group related to asexuality)
my youtube profile: http://pl.youtube.com/fonfeluch
for more information about asexuality visit: http://www.asexuality.org/ short video about asexual love and joy, related to asexuality and aseuxal relationships, ... more
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